A/N: This is my personal statement for admission to a graduate school for education. I am applying for a Master of Arts in Teaching to become a middle/high school language arts/English/writing teacher. As you all are part of the reason I am inspired to become a teacher, I thought it appropriate you could help me edit this beast of a thing.
For the Love of the Underdog
We called her Turtle. She was a one-year-old blue nose pit bull, and she was so scared she hunkered down into the concrete like she was withdrawing into a shell. Despite the heavy odds against her—pit bull, cripplingly shy—Turtle made it out of the animal shelter alive. Tipping the odds in her favor were myself and a colleague, fearless and compassionate crusaders against an unjust world.
Championing literal underdogs like Turtle is a relatively new passion of mine. What started as a way to get some puppy love in college quickly became an obsession and eventually a job. Metaphorical underdogs, though, have been my passion for as long as I can remember. My favorite characters, my favorite teams, my favorite people, and now even my favorite dogs, have always been the outcasts, the outsiders, the ones unlikely to succeed.
In that spirit, I now want to be a champion for students with the odds against them. The students in high-risk, high-poverty, low-funded schools. The students for whom English is a new and overwhelming language. Why? Because it's the right thing to do, because they deserve a chance, because they matter in this world. Because someone has to take a stand and do something about the achievement gap and social inequity. It occurred to me a mere month ago that that someone was me.
When it comes to upsetting the social order by giving the underdogs equal footing, my education prepares me uniquely for the task. With a degree in Linguistics and German, my knowledge of language goes deeper than any English degree alone, and in fact provides me with an entirely different, more egalitarian, perspective. I know the so-called "standard English" is just the language of the Elite and in no way better than any other variety. I know English's writing system is positively ridiculous with only 5 vowel letters for 16-18 vowel sounds and a tendency to stubbornly adhere to a word's source spelling while inevitably changing the word's pronunciation. Linguistics changed my world, and through me it can change the worlds of my students.
Then there is writing. I have written creatively since I was eight years old and gained the sort of writing skills that currently help me save underdogs like Turtle. Words have that power, and I cannot wait to help my students unleash their own words. Over the last decade I have helped young writers do precisely that on various online forums. Armed with patience, metaphors, and a good dose of humor, I have mentored fellow writers through creative blocks, the noose of perfectionism, and the grip of cliche plotlines. The fledgling writers are my favorite mentees, for their enthusiasm gives their work a magic--a magic that gets stamped out all too often. My students and I will embark on a quest to reclaim that magic and then we will nurture it.
For those who are learning English, especially those learning after the close of the sensitive acquisition period, I have deep empathy and an even greater sense of duty. I am no stranger to the isolation and frustration of not being fluent in the dominant language or havig an accent. This is all due to my experiences studying abroad as well as my work on Native American language reclamation, in addition to my ever ongoing attempt to acquire German at a native speaker level.
Ultimately, though, I believe my most valuable asset as a teacher will be who I am as a person and human being. I am not cut from any of the usual teacher cloths, and I haven’t always wanted to be a teacher, either. I am eccentric, adaptive, creative, mischievous, industrious, clever, and kind. My operative verb is not “teach” or “impart knowledge onto” but “inspire.” I believe respect is earned, that trust is precious, that honesty and creativity are the essential core.
I strongly believe in the power of humanistic, innovative, student-centered learning. In my graduate studies, I want to learn more about its methodology. I want to apply the latest research and be a forerunner in the education revolution.
Specifically speaking, in addition to acquiring practical skills in areas such as classroom management and lesson planning, I plan to test my own theories on how Linguistics can develop better writers, readers, and thinkers. I believe the descriptivist, egalitarian, and analytical principles guiding modern Linguistics—principles such as all languages are equally complex and all native speakers are experts in their language—are directly in line with the student-centered approach, and that a better understanding of how language works will lead to students' "better" utilization of language. I also plan to throw myself into the Oregon Writing Project as deeply as I can go so I might expand my repertoire of skills for inspiring and nurturing fearless, expressive writers.
All of these interests—student-centered learning, social justice, linguistics, writing—bring me to pursue a career as an educator and to apply to College Name Here in particular. I believe College Name Here will bring out the best in me and provide me with the skills and knowledge to become an incredible teacher who constantly improves and who positively impacts the lives of her students. I believe that in partnership with mentor teachers, my fellow classmates, professors, and other researchers, I can take my passion for language and my knowledge of it to become a one-of-a-kind champion for the underdog.
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Canary word: Present
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HI. I love you. Can I bludgeon you with my love?
I hated this awkward, transitory paragraph. Instead of starting off with your passion of taking care of puppies and then going to people, start off with a generic championing and then go to people. Plus, it makes it seem like you think that taking care of animals is going to be the same as kids... a big no no. Even this would be better:
Who doesn't love an underdog? For all my life, my heroes have always been the underdog. From my favorite characters, my favorite teams, my favorite people, and now even my favorite dogs, have always been the outcasts, the outsiders, the ones unlikely to succeed. And yet, it is such a joyous, triumphant moment when they finally do succeed. When they stand up for themselves and triumph against all odds. But, to succeed, they need plenty of support along the way. In that spirit, I want to be a champion for students with the odds against them. The students in high-risk, high-poverty, low-funded schools. The students for whom English is a new and overwhelming language. The non-white students, the LGBTQA students, the students whose home lives are more difficult than I could ever imagine.
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
As it reads now, I hate it.
(And yes, I totally merged that paragraph and the one below it together. :p)
I am going to hit you. You started off the paragraph with a boring, generic phrase and didn't expand at all with what I thought was most important...
Due to my experiences studying abroad as well as my work on Native American language reclamation, I also have strong cross-cultural awareness and strong empathy for any language-learner.
Writing creatively since you were a child? That's nice, but while it's an interesting bit of knowledge, unless you've been published, I don't think I would take up that space. Knowing linguistics very well? That's nice... but that's not your selling point, is it? Instead, you might want to portray yourself as an advocate for the underdog... and that ability to be able to look into English as an outsider looking in is invaluable. Because, let's just face it... hay muchas personas latinas en California, no? This is your selling point. Use it.
You can cut most of that paragraph out. It's just fat. Stick the last two sentences on the next paragraph...
So, it would read:
Best paragraph yet.
How many times do you want to say believe?
This beginning sounds strange and grammatically wrong. It might not be, but I would change it to be less awkward anyway.
GOOD LUCK! Also... uh... we should probably talk more. Just sayin'. The Christmas card I mailed to you returned. Clearly, we have been woefully out of touch with each other.
Snoinkus is full of wisdom! Thank you darling %u2661%u2661%u2661
Yay! When it looks better, let me know!
Also, this might be helpful. You are guilty of 3, 4, 5, and 10 currently.
Ahhhhh yes. That is me.
Thanks for that linkeh Snoink!
Rache! <3
So, this statement inspires me; and having been (and will be) in the same boat(s), I am holding onto your creative process here.
It's really nice - shows a strong sense of who you are and why you fit in with your life's goals. Let me try to do a nitpicky thing:
" Despite the heavy odds against her—pit bull, cripplingly shy—Turtle made it out of the animal shelter alive. " I think this part could be reworked - right now it seems a little redundant and I can't think of how, but I'm sure if you put your awesome mind to it, you can.
I have only been involved in animal welfare and rescue for three years." Here my first thought is do we need this sentence? Is it on your resume? Maybe you could work i nthe time frame along with the following sentences (which imply a timeframe anyway). Also, to me, usage of only in this context makes me think in terms of you wanting to work with shelters than teach kids? I'm just saying, this sort of shifts the frame of reading? (ETA: lol, I'm using scientific terms)
I think you could state something along the lines why you would like to work with the underdogs? What delights you in that? Where's your reward point? I think this would be a good way of circling it back to something tangible to you as well?
And maybe I would caution you against using 'non-white'? It would also sort of unbalance the base of your essay.
So, I'm not sure how your apps require statements, and whether you have a separate stement for the tutoring aspect, but if not, I think you could highlight a little more on how (even if informal) tutoring was /language teaching has been? I mean this is up to you, and I'm just thinking along thew lines of college essays.
I LOVE the part about your personality and verbs thing. I absolutely do. Because, I've had one amazing high school teacher who inspired and I'm always thankful to her. Someday I want to teach kids and inspire them.
Also like how you tie in your previous education.
"Specifically speaking, .... expressive writers."
I thinbk this is a good structured para showing your scientific reasoning and logical writing skills.
As for the end, it's nice. I think it's not amazing, but not bad either. I always struggle with my [Uni name] paras and I think you've managed it well. As always, there's always room for improvement and when you come back to this a week or so later, you may have cool ideas.
In all, I liked it. I think you have a good draft here; and you can always ping me to look at the next draft(s)! I would love to read through it (even if not critique) it.
Cheers!
- Lava
Thank you lovey Lava dearest. Made several of the suggested changes already!
Clean, well done. The structure is right and sound, good job relating a personal experience with the focus of the piece