Gotta find a worm, gotta find a worm, gotta find a—oh! A crumb! Lucky day! It’s mine, it’s mine, it’s—oh. Jerry got it first. Darn. I wonder if there are any worms around! I flutter on little wings along the ground, hopping on my little feet. I am a sparrow! I am trying to find a worm because I am hungry. That is nothing new though because I am always hungry. Except when I am not hungry, but that only happens when I go to the park. I love the park! There are lots of big trees to roost in and fluff my feathers. I like to watch the humans, but they are big and scary—watch out!! Oh, okay, it is okay because I flew away from the big, scary human and into a tree. Humans have big feet. I do not know why I am scared of humans, but if they get too close, my friends always fly away, so I do too. They are not very smart birds, like me, but they are good. Except when they steal my food—I see you, Jerry. I will fly back to the ground to look for worms. I am hungry.
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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
First of all, I think it was really well written. It is very light and playful, and you can certainly see your writing style in this. When I think of what a bird's mind is like, this personifies it perfectly, scattered, cluttered, and busy. I liked the way that one point kept coming up, no matter what the previous thought was. It was comical and I certainly enjoyed it. Keep on writing!
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
I really enjoyed reading this story concerning the mind of a bird as it seeks food. If birds had language and could think in language hypothesis is a very charming approach. This would be a great addition to an anthology of stories for children as well. The vocabulary is certainly kept within the range of very young readers.
It reminded me of the times I spent on park benches in Miami observing birds and squirrels in their seemingly endless effort to find food. I also like the story because it teaches a moral lesson that in order to survive we must never be too trustful of others lest they take what we need to survive as the other birds did in this story. One must remain focused.
Looking forward to reading more of your stories.
Just a quick review....
This is so cute! This story is adorable and your grammar is pretty good as well. I love how you make this story seem like the bird has a scattered brain and is just rattling out everything on his mind. I think it's really cute that he keeps saying he's hungry and I relate to that on a personal level.
Okay, this isn't really a big deal but....
"Oh, ok, it is okay because I flew away from the big, scary human and into a tree."
You use two different versions of "ok" and I just think it would look better if you just stick with one. Either "okay" or "ok".
I really enjoyed reading this! Keep up the good work!
-Banana25
Thank you so much for your review! I've been looking at that line for a while for the same reason.