Love is deep as the ocean,
And bright as the sun,
You’ll get burned without lotion,
And weighted down by a ton.
Love is wide as a valley,
As high as the clouds,
Dirty as the dingy alley,
And dark as thunderclouds.
Love is like a sonnet,
Love is like the sea,
Love locks you into debt,
And throws away the key.
Is our love truly worth it?
This crime you’ve forced me to commit?
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hi there! This is quite a nice poem, I like the variety of images you use and the rhyme and rhythm makes it a flowing, easy read. However, this feels more like a listing of descriptions of love than a continuous poem about love's downsides, as the last few lines seem to suggest. That's a really neat and unexpected message, but the rest of the poem before those lines doesn't quite back up that thought as well as it could. For example, you say that
but I don't know why it's like a sonnet, and you never go back to this idea to prove it. I would recommend picking only two or three of your comparisons (I like the ocean/sea and debt/crime/lock/key lines of thought particularly), and expanding more on the meaning and depth in those metaphors. For example, I really like the question you end on,
I really like the idea here, but I'd love to hear more about why love is a crime to you in this situation.
I would also recommend adding more concrete imagery. This article is quite helpful on that subject.
Alright, I hope this is helpful!
Great job!
This poem really gave me goosebumps; you perfectly convey how love can have a dark side as well.
However, I noticed two lines that didn’t really match the overall character of the rest:the lines where you wrote ‘Love is wide as a valley,’ and ‘As high as the clouds’. Well, the reason I felt the character in these lines were thrown off balance is because right after that, you write ‘Dirty as a dingy valley’. In my opinion, I thought you were describing the positive side of Love in the two lines before that, and it was was a bit of a shock when I saw this line. I think it needs some tweaking, but it should be fine after that.
The rest of the poem was rather excellent, and I hope you’ll continue to write some more!
Cheers,
secretrose29
This poem really gave me goosebumps; you perfectly convey how love can have a dark side as well.
However, I noticed two lines that didn’t really match the overall character of the rest:the lines where you wrote ‘Love is wide as a valley,’ and ‘As high as the clouds’. Well, the reason I felt the character in these lines were thrown off balance is because right after that, you write ‘Dirty as a dingy valley’. In my opinion, I thought you were describing the positive side of Love in the two lines before that, and it was was a bit of a shock when I saw this line. I think it needs some tweaking, but it should be fine after that.
The rest of the poem was rather excellent, and I hope you’ll continue to write some more!
Cheers,
secretrose29
This poem really gave me goosebumps; you perfectly convey how love can have a dark side as well.
However, I noticed two lines that didn’t really match the overall character of the rest:the lines where you wrote ‘Love is wide as a valley,’ and ‘As high as the clouds’. Well, the reason I felt the character in these lines were thrown off balance is because right after that, you write ‘Dirty as a dingy valley’. In my opinion, I thought you were describing the positive side of Love in the two lines before that, and it was was a bit of a shock when I saw this line. I think it needs some tweaking, but it should be fine after that.
The rest of the poem was rather excellent, and I hope you’ll continue to write some more!
Cheers,
secretrose29
The words used are intense and give a strong vibe.I enjoyed it. You have used the words cleverly. Looking forward of more like this from you
I actually love how some end words end, love is compared all to great things and for me it did in the poem, you convey the feelings in these structures in a puzzling way at the same time it is also direct idk if that made sense, love the grammar structure and adjectives used here, keep up!
Let me know what you think of my poem! More pieces will be coming soon!