Wish I could remember the nights,
(Oh, those old days, those old nights!)
The nights I cried and moaned out loud,
Little as I was, newborn child.
Through imagination I see
That baby, I, little baby
Fearful, maybe, of the unknown;
Hopeless, he feels, and so alone.
Then his eyes cry, a whole tears’ sea
And his shout wakes deads and neighbors.
“Somebody, (so he thinks, I guess)
Please come, anybody, attend my plea!”
So I imagine, perhaps it happened,
I, the baby lying, crying.
In the middle of his own hell
And, just as in Dante’s tale,
The baby is losing all his hopes,
But there she comes! There she comes!
She… she is the one who is always there,
The one who hugs, the one who loves,
The one who dares
To come to him, to me, at all hours
All seven days.
The baby, the little baby,
I, while lying beneath blankets,
Can only see her narrow eyes,
Eyes so deep, deep and wise,
Ebony, telling me no lies
And though red, her sleep they disguise
And come to me, to cease the cries.
“Hush, my baby, my love, my dear”
“Hush”, she says, “hush”.
From his cradle, his two arms rise
Asking for the warmth she never denies.
“Hush”, she says, “hush”.
So I imagine, perhaps it happened,
I, the baby; she, my mother.
Poetry is a really abstract, and so it is hard to review, but I will do my best. Amazing poem and awesome idea. The flow is great and it is just so soothing. The only thing that I might fix is in line 2 of stanza 1. Where it says (Oh, those old days, those old nights!) I might remove the second old. I think that would improve the flow of that line. Though, like I said, poetry is abstract and open to interpretation, so maybe you like it as is, and that's fine. Thank you for posting this, it is really cool.
Thanks for your review, Zephion! I hope you have enjoyed it, and I'll see if it can be changed. I do know that line mess a little bit with the flow, but I also think it gives a sense of time to the poem. Still, I'll see if I can change it for something new.
I really enjoyed this poem. That being said, I didn't see much you could edit or any errors in grammar. I do agree with BlueAfrica, though, about the rhyming scheme.
Besides this, I really enjoyed it. The theme is truly beautiful and it gives me an image with the description. Truly amazing, so thank you.
Thanks, Hiccup! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Maybe it's just because I've been feeling sentimental lately (what with seeing "Brave" and my own mother being 90 miles away), but I really liked this. The only criticism I have at all is that, in the penultimate verse, you suddenly go into a rhyme scheme, which wasn't present at all in the rest of the poem. It's fine to have a rhyme scheme, and it's fine not to have one - but you have to decide which you want and then hold that throughout the poem. Otherwise it's a little jarring to the reader.
Out of curiosity, what language does your mother speak? And are you planning on translating this into it? (I assume you're also fluent, otherwise how would you communicate? Well, okay, obviously there are plenty of other ways to communicate, especially with a mother, but I still assume that you're fluent in whatever language it is.)
~Blue
Thanks for your review! The thing with the scheme... I'm aware of it, and it's a long story why is it there. Still, I wanted to try out how it would fit in such short poem.
And, by the way, my mother speaks spanish, and so do I. I translated it for her, but I like the english version a lot more.