Hold on. This was the first story you wrote in English? Seriously? This is just... wow.
Nitpicks:
It tinkled the whole time, whilehe carried it in the subway, making that sound that only metalscando.
It tinkled? I don’t think a gun would tinkle. We’re talking one piece of metal, not little bits of metal hitting each other. I don’t think a gun would make any sound in a briefcase, actually.
He was sittingrightthere, in Ferrera’s office, eating nuts in his expensiveandblack suit, looking calm, relaxed, and confident, nothing like a guy who, only a couple of hours earlier, was facing the death penalty.
So, the semicolon was wrong because “nothing like a guy who, a couple of hours earlier, was facing the death penalty” couldn’t be a complete sentence. I always put a comma after the penultimate item in a list, just a habit. And, “eating nuts in his expensive and black suit” seems a little random. The nuts part. Because it comes first. I would either put it in its own sentence, with some description, or, I feel like just saying “mixed nuts” would help a lot, for some reason. A more specific details makes a more convincing lie, that kind of thing.
He served himself a glass
So this was a fragment as it was. I don’t think adding a “he” changed the feel at all.
Then he took another one, and another one, and another one... all while Mr. Shutz patiently waited and watched, without knowing that Ferrera had never been the kind of guy that liked silence… or even scotch.
I don’t like this sentence. I don’t know. The “another one, and another one” is just… really? It feels contrived or something. And “all while” and “waited and watched” have this clichéd feel. Then the silence part seems useless, because we don’t know that he had never been the kind of guy that liked silence. We don’t know anything about anybody! And those ellipses, huh? They could easily be commas, I’d say.
so strong and clear:
“I went to your house for the trial papers.”
Why don’t you make this one line with a comma instead of a colon? It’s more traditional, and I don’t see a reason to do it this way.
throatat the timeas he drank a fifth glass.
repeated Ferrera, like he hadn’t heardany comment or any questionanything.
“You asked me to do it,
Why the line break here? Should be one line.
and, in this sentence,Mr. Shultz’s voice
“In this sentence” seems unnecessary. Besides, people don’t think about speaking in sentences. Writers think about writing in sentences.
smileinon his face
likeifhe didn’t recognize who or what he had in front of him.
After minutes that felt like hours
Cliché…
Ferrera put the bottle and the glassagainback in the minibar.
Ferrera was tired, exhausted, and a little bit drunk.
I added a comma. But, do you really need to tell us this? I think you’ve already shown it.
a childforcompared to other lawyers,
He knew that,by the time he said
No comma here.
Ferrera took a deep breath…and puttedin Mr. Shutz’s hand
No ellipses, “putted” isn’t a word, and you missed an apostrophe s.
but itsurelywas surely important by the way the eyes of his client opened.
“Opened” suggests they were closed before. You could say “bulged” or something.
In the blink of an eye
You already said this once, and it’s quite the cliché too.
those little eyes ofhimhis
and it wasn’t other than the one of his video recorder.
Huh ? I think you meant “it was none other.” But, I don’t know how necessary this part is anyway.
sadness, fear, and a complete disgust
he had in front of him
You’ve already described Shutz as the person in front of him.
Mr. Shutz had a face white and red and some little sweat drops all around
I would say something like, “Mr. Shutz’s face was blotched white and red and beaded in sweat.”
you sworeonin court, swore to God, and swore to me
done!” The rage
This isn’t a speech tag, said “said, “shouted,” etc, so it gets a capital letter.
You said it yourself:
“No, I’m sure it is not.
But I would say “No, it’s not.” The “sure” part actually makes it seem like he’s not sure, but he is.
Two shots were heard:
So if they were heard, why were the bodies found a whole hour later? You could just say, “There were two shots,” and I would use a semicolon instead of a colon.
hate and despite
Wrong word. I think you mean “hate and spite.”
there was blood…, and peace.
Comma here.
General:
So except for a few grammar issues, this is really, really good. I mean, I guess the idea is not that original, but I don't know, I think you pulled it off really well. It has a very dramatic, old-movie feel.
The only real problem I can think of is the beginning. A gun isn't going to make that much noise, or even really be that heavy. You don't have to change it that much, though. I might start out with "Ferrera's briefcase was heavier than usual that day." Skip the noise part. You could talk about how he thinks about what's in it on the subway. Something like that.
Was that torn apart sufficiently for you?
Prolix
Points: 3465
Reviews: 45
Donate