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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hiya R0nnie! Here to review as requested.
I actually really liked this poem, and after listening to the audio of it I liked it even more. I'm the furthest thing from an expert on spoken word poetry, but I just really enjoyed it. I like the idea that we all think we're tethered down my the fear of being judged, but maybe we're not. It's something pretty much everyone can relate to.
So the thing about the ending is, it's not bad, but the whole tone of them poem changes. I feel like by the end it has turned into a motivational piece as a message to everyone to stand up for themselves. I'm not sure if that's what you're going for, but you say you don't like how you ended it, if you want to change that you could make it less like it's directly being said to the readers. I personally quite like it, but if you want to change it, then maybe keep in the sort of dark tone you had before.
The other thing I have to say is I feel like this poem is missing some imagery. I don't think it needs loads, however I thought the 'buzzing of bees' was really good as it made me actually picture something in my mind. When you think of this topic, some images must come to your head, so you can talk about them in your poem, so it becomes more personal to you. Also, maybe you can use a metaphor to try and show what you mean by 'floating' because I don't think everyone will understand. When I read this, I thought of an out of body experience or something.
All in all, I really liked this! I think 'float' is a good title, because you really put emphasis on it in the rest of the poem, you could change it to something like 'trapped', because I feel like that's what the message was, but to be honest, I like 'float'. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Hi R0nnie.
I'm Solvy and I'm here to review for you. I enjoyed the tone of this poem; I felt that despite the topic, it also sounds very calmed and I like that. To me, the whole poem sounded like this line: "clear your thoughts to wash away the cold" (I love the line, truly). And this is why I have to agree with you about the ending. I don't really like it, and it's mostly because I think it sounds different from the actual poem; it makes it sound like any other poem, when it really isn't (there's a different tone to it). This isn't good, because the last impression counts too. xD My suggestion would be to bend your words a bit:
That's just my suggestion! I think your message is still there without the "cliché", as they call it. I hope it helps or gives you some other idea.
On a second note, I think this poem would look nicer if it had stanzas. Maybe you could experiment with those and see how it works out for you. Perhaps you could try with Tercets, which are stanzas of three lines, or perhaps with Quatrains, which have four lines. Some pauses would give your readers some time to stop and reflect on what you're sharing.
That's all I've got to say. Thanks for sharing~ :]
Your friendly neighbor,
GeeLyria
Hey GeeLyria, thanks for the review! I really liked your suggestion for the ending, it just sounds a lot better. The thing about this poem is that I wrote it to be spoken, so I don't think the stanza's really matter (correct me if im just being stubborn
) Could you let me know if it is well spoken
I posted it on youtube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5gQTYe ... e=youtu.be
I really appreciate the help!
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