(not completed, just trying something new-ish)
The light, it hurts my eyes as I open them up to the sun. Turning my head away from the window, Mr. Brown is teaching in the front of the classroom, moving his arms in some oddly and hilarious fashion like a bird.
Crazy teacher, ha ha . . . .
I have no idea what he’s talking about up there, even though I've already completed today’s’ assignment.
Sometimes, I think the world has stopped for just a brief second--then it starts up again, faster than before. I can’t feel it. It doesn't hurt me, but it scares me…
That’s normal, right?
“. . . and that is how you determine if the value or answer is true.”
Huh? How do you determine what is true and what is not?
I look down at my paper. Then my eyes follow the board’s daily agenda…
UNIT 3: Chapter 1 Absolute Value is written on the board, but . . . I . . have . . . .
Crap.
I have a little sister who is six years old; she has long black hair, just like me, and she has big green eyes, like mine. But my eyes are not as big as hers.
My mom is nothing like us, my sister and I. She has dark milk chocolate skin and short brown hair with light amber eyes. Mom’s rather shorter than I am; a bit more graceful I think.
But the thing was I wasn't looking for my mom, I was there for her. I loved grandma. I took care of her . . . and after a while she left me, too.
I am the one who took care of her.
When I was younger, I would ask myself why she’d had to leave. I asked that question until I got over it and faced the facts.
People leave and there is nothing anyone can do to stop, or keep them.
It was that simple and I, unwillingly, accepted it.
“ECHO! Echo!” the woman yelled, pounding on my bedroom door,
"Get your lazy butt up! You’re going to be late for school,” I can hear her swearing to herself about bed, but I’m not in bed. I’m fully dressed and ready hearing the retreating footsteps down the hall.
I wouldn't be late for school, I’m never late.
Then I hear a quiet rapping on the door, “Echo . . . “a small voice peeked in.
“Mommy says t-to take me to s-school,” Autumn’s small voice as clear as small sliver bells comes as she creaks in to my room. I hold my arms out for a hug and she darts into me, hugging me tight. After she has her small red shoes and Barbie backpack; I grab my gray shoulder bag and my keys to the house.
Walking down the hall I hear mom’s voice, “It’s about time you’d gotten up, you brat,” she says, smirking, “Well, don’t stand there lookin’ at me! Get my baby to school,” she comes over and gives Autumn a kiss on the lips. I hate that, it’s like her innocent mouth has been contaminated.
“Come on, Autumn. Let’s go,” I said to my sister.
As we walk outside mom calls to me, “Watch your sister tonight I’m going to be working late at Greendale!”
I sigh.
I guest I should be glad today went fairly well. In fact, it would have been one of the best if she’d put breakfast on the table for Autumn. I’d have to buy her a muffin when we past the bakery.
“Echo,” Autumn’s voice came from my side, “can we get some ice cream on the way home ta-day?” she asked as we walk, hand in hand, turning her head to look up at me. She has a very big smile on her face I feel a tiny pang in my chest. I can’t help it.
I smile, “Sure, but we’re not going home this afternoon. Okay?”
“Yaaayyyyy! Okay,” she says, “Where are we going, ‘Coe?”
“To a friend’s house.”
“James?” she asked smiling brightly. I nodded, and she squealed with joy.
James was my best friend and he had a little brother named Jake. Autumn loves to play with Jake, and I go over often to see James. When Mom wants me to take care of Autumn I sometimes bring her with me to James’ house to play with Jake.
Jake is best friends with Autumn, and James and I are proud we can both get along good - even better than good, I think.
“I can’t wait to see Jake,” Autumn announced. I smile. We’re coming up onto the bakery now and I hear Autumn’s stomach. She tries to laugh it off and walk straight, but I caught her eying the store as we neared it. “Come on,” I said as I pulled her into the heavenly smelling store. She looks at me; a question in her eyes. I give a small nod and a smile breaks across her face.
“You can get one thing only. Okay?”
She nodded. Autumn’s eyes traced the sweet pastries through the glass display.
“Good morning, Coe.”
Hearing the female voice, I swirl around; not watching my own two feet I more or less doubled over. I would have landed flat on my face, but then Jason appeared. He caught me by my arm, slightly swinging it around so I landed, not on the white dusty floor but onto him. More like into his chest with a soft thump.
Jason is a junior in high school compared to my sophomore year at River Creast High. Jason and I have met on other occasions and he’s a nice guy, but I don’t really know him. Jason has the gray eyes and blond hair profile. He’s broad, but he’s not built. He is every girls dream guy. So I wouldn’t have minded falling into his chest.
In my everyday life I don’t worry about guys and their, um . . . complications.
Even so I felt my face getting warm, if it was from Jason or the embarrassment?
I know not.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hey there!
Budding writer here for a review. Ok lets get started:
"The light, it hurts my eyes as I open them up to the sun. "
It would be better if you separate them into two sentences.
"Turning my head away from the window, Mr. Brown is teaching in the front of the classroom, moving his arms in some oddly and hilarious fashion like a bird."
Same here
"I have a little sister who is six years old; she has long black hair, just like me, and she has big green eyes, like mine. But my eyes are not as big as hers.
My mom is nothing like us, my sister and I. She has dark milk chocolate skin and short brown hair with light amber eyes. Mom’s rather shorter than I am; a bit more graceful I think."
Nice description here. I like the way you brought out the contrast here.
"Then I hear a quiet rapping on the door, “Echo . . . “a small voice peeked in."
It should be "face"
"“Mommy says t-to take me to s-school,” Autumn’s small voice as clear as small sliver bells comes as she creaks in to my room."
You cant describe this as clear cause she is clearly stammering. Use another word instead of "creaks". Maybe use "tiptoed"
"I’d have to buy her a muffin when we past the bakery."
It should be "passed"
"She has a very big smile on her face I feel a tiny pang in my chest. I can’t help it."
There should be a full stop after "face"
Well i noticed only the few that I mentioned above. The rest seems okay. I liked your story and I'm looking forward to reading more!
-Budding writer
Hey, QQ! Here for a quick review~
The opening sentence could use a little work. It felt a little disjointed as I read it, and it flowed awkwardly. Beginnings are always a crucial part of your novel; it's a "to hook, or not to hook?" philosophy, and this is where you're supposed to grip your readers by the shoulders, steer them to a chair and make. them. read. Since this is teen-fiction, I'd be expecting a more natural, thoughts-on-paper tone. Not so formal, or poet-speak, okay? This might just be me, but I don't think this style is particularly suited to teen-fiction. You don't carry this style throughout the entire piece either, but it just slinks in a couple of places. That's nothing that time won't solve though, as I've often found that as you go on writing a novel, you eventually adopt a voice, and words come naturally.
Uhm, moving on -- nitpicks!
Consider adding in the words in red?
Okay, another thing I noticed about this sentence was the fact that it's kinda running away with itself. In fact, these sentences are called run-away sentences because they combine several actions/descriptions together without the appropriate coordinating conjunctions and/or punctuation. In short, the reader is left completely and utterly baffled, and often as not has to struggle in order to understand what's going on. How do you solve the problem? It's an easy fix, really: divide your sentences up. You can do this by adding periods, semi-colons or colons. Here's how I would edit this sentence. You, of course, are free to edit it however you please!
That apostrophe doesn't belong there. Cut it out.
I had two issues with this bit: 1) If the main character hasn't understood/hasn't been listening to their teacher, how come they managed to complete their assignment? Something you might want to think about. 2) I was actually pretty surprised when I read this sentence, following the one about the MC opening their eyes to the light. It felt ... abrupt, and the shift in tone was very noticeable. The first sentence felt almost dreamlike, and then you switch to a lighthearted and teenager-ish description. All in all, this might be why it felt sort of vague and undeveloped. I understand that you're trying something new and possibly playing around with the idea, but do work on it! And let me know whenever you rewrite and put it up because I will definitely be reading it, okay??
Alright, so I notice that this chapter is basically divided up into two parts, and the only reason I can tell -- I'm actually assuming this -- is because of your sudden switch from class-room scene to description, and then a completely different scene altogether. I'd suggest you use as asterisk (*) to divide this into two parts so the division is obvious and it isn't grating to read.
Are you sure you didn't mean "face"?
Hrm, nearing the end, your tense gets a bit botched up. Either keep in present-tense or in past-tense, but don't use them together because it's just confusing. You can always take a look at this.
Alright, so when it comes to content, I'm not really fond of chick lit. but if it works for you, then by all means go for it!
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. I'm always happy to help!
Keep writing! Keep it up!
Hope this helped.
~Pompadour
I'm not sure what I'm reading at some parts as far as dialogue. I'm not sure if someone is speaking or if it's just more story. There are a lot of single sentences that I'm not sure if they should be dialogue or not. There are also some missed quotation marks. I feel like it's interesting, but it would be more interesting if it was more understandable.
~Isa Moore