I remember the day I flew. Most everyone does. It's the crowning achievement in anyone's life. Mine was no different.
It was bright and sunny out, with only the smallest suggestions of clouds floating above. The sky was a wonderful, rich blue, and the breeze was warm and soft. The fields below me rippled and warped, a golden ocean. The leaves on my tree were just losing their majestic green for the spectacular oranges and reds of the season.
Mother and Father were both watching carefully. I never really paid much attention to the world until that day. They provided everything I needed. But today... today was different. The fuzzy down of chick-hood had finally been shed completely, and my new feathers were as splendid as anything.
I remember standing on the edge of the nest, not sure what to do. For the longest time I stood there, not wanting to do anything but feel the winds fill my wings, the sun shining on my beak.
Then, it happened. Most chicks get the luxury of branch-hopping. I never got to jump from limb to limb in my tree. You see, it was an old tree, and the nest must've been even older, because just as I was going to back out and save my lessons for the next day, the ancient thing broke up underneath me!
Ah, how terrified I was! The pull of the fall, the rushing wind. Surely my parents cried out, but I couldn't hear anything over the coursing energy in my veins. I fell for what seemed like days, weeks, years! The rushing wind, my pounding heart, every instinct saying, FLY!
I closed my eyes, and with a final squawk, opened my wings, filling them with wind. And up I went! I flapped with no direction, no destination but up.
I opened my eyes to the glorious brightness of the sun. Oh, how it shone that day, as if it had come up just for me. Looking down, my old tree was but a spot on the distant ground.
Oh, the view! Everything was golden and blue, like the sky had fallen down and covered up the flame-colored landscape! I'd never realized how colorful the world was. Swooping higher to warm my feathers, swooping low to shriek and cry with joy, and to the sides to brush against the chilly clouds, I was more alive than ever! I was king of the sky, and no one could challenge my throne.
Oh, I came back down eventually. Weeks later I was a good enough hunter to find my own territory, a beautiful field with a pond and the most spectacular trees you've ever seen.
And that is where I lived the rest of my life. Within the blue. Amongst the clouds. Second only to the sun, and the moon, and the stars.
As king of the sky.
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Hey there! I'm Onyx and I will be reviewing your short story today!
Comments
Very good story! I love it! You did a wonderful job!
This sounds weird as well, don't know why. Maybe read that out loud and see if there is anything you can add there to make it sound more natural?
This sounds a little weird to me when you add the last part after the comma. Maybe add "like" between it and take out the comma? Just reads weird.
Love the ending!
Over all
As I said before, you did a wonderful job! I like how you made the story flow and though it was fast due to it being a short story. You can still understand the story without any problems. Very good job, I like it a lot. If you need anything else reviewed, feel free to send me a message on my profile and I will be more than happy. Thank you for your time and keep on writing!
~Onyx
The Knight Messenger here to review for the Knights of the Green Room.
so, I had read a poem about flying, as well s one short story, and I loved them both. But your beginning lines killed me. It was no different than any other hawks first day to fly? Doesn't catch the reader t all. Now I feel like: "Oh, this won't be any different than any other story like this."
His tree? Isn't he a young hawk, so if it was anybody's wouldn't it be an older hawk's?
So besides those things i really liked it a lot. Very well written, and I thought you described the sensation of flying very well. Also the colorful description of the landscape was really well done. I could see everything very clearly.
Keep it up!