Hiya, Querencia! Happy Review Day! At the very least, I'm going to use today to get up to date with your lovely novel.
Still, the after-school punishment was more tedious than anything else. It made Finnley restless, but every time he shifted in his seat, the ancient desk let out a pitiful squeak of protest that sounded loudly in the quiet of the room.
You don't actually mention what the punishment is. Are they just sitting in the room, silent? Do they have to write lines? You're rather unspecific. Then again, maybe it's just because I was a massive goody-two-shoes at school so I don't have a good grasp of what the typical detention involves.
Finnley had called her that morning and agreed to meet in her hotel room.
Yeah, I agree with BlueAfrica that this is strange. I find the whole notion of Dr Lark travelling all the way out to Finnley's new town a bit hard to believe in the first place, given that she's probably got other clients to see back in her own town. That aside, it seems so much more appropriate to meet a therapist in their actual office rather than the client's home or a random hotel room.
he tugged the door open and was assaulted with a blast of heat from the interior of the building.
The general rule of thumb is to avoid passive constructions. They're less immediate and seem to put more distance between the reader and the action. Something like 'he tugged the door open and heat blasted over him, rushing out from the interior' might make a good alternative.
It wasn't bad for a hotel room, and Dr. Lark kept her few things tidy.
'It wasn't bad' tells me very little about the room. You can still be brief, but be specific. How is it coloured? Are there generic paintings on the walls? Does it have a particular smell?
I've not got any other specific comments about this chapter, but a final note on Dr Lark's approach right at the end. Put frankly, I don't really like it. Again, maybe she is just a bad therapist, but it seems such a terrible idea to just dismiss the memories he's written down and just jump straight into talking about Allie's death. I get that she might be concerned about Finnley detaching himself from Allie by just writing about her, but there are subtler and more effective ways to get around that. She could comment on parts of the memories that he's recalling, ask him questions about them, encourage him to elaborate. Considering that he's had a hard time talking about her at all until now, it seems dumb that she wouldn't gently encourage him with his positive memories. Jumping straight to the source of the pain just runs the risk of making him clam up again.
I don't think she shouldn't raise that question, but I'd like to her build up to it more gradually. I think the reader should hear Finnley read out the memories he's written - I was surprised that you skimmed over them. Then Dr Lark could ask him more specific questions about Allie and they could start having more of a proper conversation about it. Then, perhaps, she could raise the question of the night Allie died. If she eased Finnley into the topic more gradually, I can't help but think it would be more suspenseful. I'd also love the opportunity to hear Finnley's memories first-hand, because Allie still feels like a huge mystery to me for the most part.
That's about all. A few realism hiccups and I think the chapter could be better paced, but it's not far off where it needs to be. I confess, I am curious to hear about the night Allie died, because I've been wondering about that since the beginning of the novel.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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Reviews: 641
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