Hiiya, Querencia. Just dropping in for a quick review.
It was still Mia, his brave, beautiful friend, but a light had gone out of her. She was different, and it was hard for Finnley to look at her. It was hard for him to look away.
Man, what has happened to this girl? I initially thought that she'd just be a bit shaken up and sleep-deprived, but it feels like it's much more serious than that. I'm quite glad, actually, worried as I am for her. I'm glad things haven't just gone back to normal, because I felt like you struggled with that following the demon attack earlier in the novel.
The way they sat around the table in the kitchen seemed almost fake, as if some outsider had just propped them all up there.
I get what you're trying to describe (the metaphor of them being 'propped' up is great) but I don't feel like 'fake' is quite the right adjective. Maybe 'mechanical'? Or 'poised' or 'sculpted' or 'stilted'? I don't know. I just feel like you should draw the best out of the almost dolls-moulded-into-place kind of metaphor you're hinting at.
All of it — venturing in, finding Mia standing up to a fiery nightmare horse, the terrifying, wild flight through the forest on motorcycle, the fear of waiting for his mom and Mia to make it out — crunched into a few short sentences, devoid of care.
'Crunched into a few short sentences' - I love that line!
It felt likeThere had to be something more. There had to be.
The repetition will come through much more strongly without that pesky filler word 'felt'.
Finnley peered out the edge of his window and saw a police car in his driveway. Simple, he reminded himself, our story is simple. It’s almost the truth. But it wasn’t. It hardly touched the real thing. Trying to compose himself, he descended the stairs to open the door. It’s alright.
I still can't quite clarify in my head why the police want to talk to Finnley. If Mia was still missing, I'd absolutely see the reason, but she's been found and brought back home now. I don't see that much reason for them to be suspicious about the story the family gave them, at least not to a degree that they would need to speak to Finnley himself.
If Mia was in a much worse state, then it would make more sense. If she was burned and hurt and in hospital and the police wanted to know how the heck it happened, I could see that they'd take the case further and want another perspective on things. But I'm not quite clear on exactly what state Mia is in. She's obviously not quite right, but she's not in hospital, which means there's probably little reason for the police to suspect foul play.
So really, this is just a continuation of my concerns in the previous chapter. I'm not fully convinced that the police would still be involved, not when the case has more or less wrapped itself up. The way Finnley's acting, you'd think he was guilty of something, or that an inconsistency in his story could land him in serious trouble, but I don't really buy the risk.
In general, this chapter has been a bit aimless so far. There's some nice bits of writing in it and I think you handle the awkwardness among the Harts well, but I can't really tell where the story is going anymore. I've lost my sense of the overriding threat. I'd prefer if you leaned harder on that comment you made a few chapters back, the one about the nightmare horse potentially being the work of another magician. I don't know if you intend to go down that path, but I think we need something to wonder about, one way or another.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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