Hi, Querencia. Pan dropping in for another review!
“Are you okay after last night? I know the nightmare was really bad…”
I continue to be confused that Finnley still hasn't asked or even wondered about what the nightmare is about. If it's so distressing and it's plagued her for so long, you'd think he'd be curious.
He didn't tell her about the strange force; it would only worry her more.
Something tells me that this is going to come back to bite him.
It was good to see her running, it meant that something was right.
There's a comma splice here.
She was still running towards the school. He sighed. It's probably doing her good.
Tense slippage.
No, your strange force means there's something sentient trying to tamper with the spell, to cut it off.”
Ahh, I wondered if it was something like this. But who or what is tampering with the spell? And why? I'm still edging towards the belief that the content of the nightmare is important in some way - that it might be more real than it seems. I feel like there has to be a reason that you've held back on telling us what it's about...
I'm also wondering why Mr Vaughn didn't tell Finnley about this possibility sooner, when Finnley first mentioned the strange force to him. It seems like a bit of an oversight to not explain it. Unless he didn't want Finnley to worry, but Mr Vaughn doesn't seem like the kind of person who would keep things from someone to spare them anxiety.
“I'm worried about her. She's so terrified of this recurring nightmare… I'm not sure she’s going to sleep.”
In future drafts, you definitely need to ease in the idea of the recurring nightmare a lot more gradually. At the minute, it feels like it really pops up out of nowhere, so we're being told that it's this massive, crippling fear of Mia's even though she never even mentioned it until a few chapters ago. I'm not saying it has to be there right from the start, but if you foreshadowed it more prior to the moment where she actually calls Finnley in the night (she could look more washed-out and tired in the weeks after the fire, or mention in passing that she's not been sleeping too well), I think the plot development would feel less abrupt.
Monica had sniffed and walked off, but came back the next day with a report: Monica had peeked in on Mia several times during the night, and Mia had not been sleeping once. She had sat on the floor, bedside lamp on and a pitcher of water close at hand. Neither Finnley nor Monica could make any sense of it.
Yes, this definitely seems very extreme. If the nightmare is so bad that Mia won't even let herself sleep, why isn't Finnley more curious about what the content of it is? To reiterate my last point, it does sort of feel like it's escalated really quickly. She's gone from not having nightmares to having an old nightmare once to having it every night to having it so consistently that she won't dare sleep. It's all rather sudden. If her condition is supposed to be drastically deteriorating, you need to make that clearer and show Finnley being confused by it.
They thought they were keeping things together until a note showed up in Finnley’s locker at school, and Mia didn't show up at all.
Oh man, what an end. This is a great cliffhanger to leave it on. What is going on with Mia? Has someone taken her? Has she run away herself? I'm going to have to get straight on with reading the next chapter to find out. It feels like we're really racing towards something dramatic.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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