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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 22.2

by Que


Finnley waited outside Mia’s house early that day. He was worried after the phone call from the night before. Mia bounced out of the house, nearly as spunky as always. Finnley stared her down, though. He wasn't going to let her get away with brushing off serious issues.

“Hey,” he said, catching her by the shoulder. “Are you okay after last night? I know the nightmare was really bad…”

“I'm fine,” Mia insisted, squeezing Finnley’s hand. “It's just a dream, right?”

“Right.” He didn't tell her about the strange force; it would only worry her more.

“Well then,” Mia said with a smile. “Race you to the school!”

“What! More running?” But Mia was already pounding down the sidewalk. It was good to see her running, it meant that something was right. Finnley trailed behind slowly, and when he rounded the corner, he saw that she hadn't waited up for him. She was still running towards the school. He sighed. It's probably doing her good.

Finnley wasn't entirely sure if he believed Mia, but he didn't get a chance to question her that day. Monica popped into school as she promised, and discussions between the three of them were kept to a meaningless chatter. Not meaningless, Finnley corrected himself, just irrelevant to the important matters at hand. Still, Finnley was determined to do something. He wasn't about to give up any time soon.

After school, he walked decisively to Mr. Vaughn’s ready to spill everything about the force, about letting go of the spell. But when he got to the shop, it was the young man, Henry, at the desk.

“Where's Mr. Vaughn?” Finnley asked, though it may have sounded more like a demand.

“Sorry I'm not the one you were looking for,” Henry replied with a light smile. Finnley didn't return the smile, and Henry sighed. “Mr. Vaughn’s sister asked him to do something for her. They're working together on something, apparently rather urgent. He left me here to manage the store, told me you might come in. I think he left some practice for you…”

Despite his curiosity about magic, Finnley wasn't interested in workbook lessons right now. Irritated, he asked, “Is there any way you can get a message to him? It's important.”

“I can try,” the older boy said, his smile finally fading away. “What is it? Maybe I can help.”

Finnley opened his book to the page with the sleeping spell. “I laid this spell several days ago, on the pillow of my friend. She's been having nightmares,” he explained. He went on to describe the mysterious force that he had felt twice now, and what had happened.

Henry leaned forward in concern. “That's not good.” Stating the obvious, Finnley thought, but he wouldn't say it out loud. “The force itself… it’s not exactly uncommon. It means something is trying to break through the spell.”

Finnley frowned. “You mean the nightmare itself? The bad dreams have a presence?”

“Not exactly.” Henry rubbed a hand across his chin, staring up at the ceiling in thought. “It's like this: if you put a spell against rain on a jacket, then rain would roll off. That's the normal way a spell works. The rain itself is not trying to break through the spell. No, your strange force means there's something sentient trying to tamper with the spell, to cut it off.”

Finnley felt as if the room was sliding out from under his feet and sat down heavily across from Henry. The chair cushion let out a small puff of air in protest. “I don't understand. Why would someone want to break that spell? Why target Mia?”

Henry shook his head. “I don't know. Those are questions for Mr. Vaughn—you're right to have come looking for him. I'll do what I can to reach him, and at the latest he’ll be back next week.”

“I can stand the wait, but I'm not sure she can.” Finnley tried to push down the fear that was threatening to break through his calm appearance. He only wanted to help Mia. “I'm worried about her. She's so terrified of this recurring nightmare… I'm not sure she’s going to sleep.”

Henry looked just as helpless as Finnley felt. “I don't know, Finnley. Magic would be my solution, but in a situation where that won't work… keep a close eye on her. Make sure she doesn't push herself too hard, that she knows her own limits. Help to calm her fear.”

“Thanks.” Finnley was surprised to find that his thanks was genuine. The advice hadn't been much, but the visit had comforted him nevertheless. Henry was watching out for him, and somehow that thought made him feel better, despite the man’s lack of experience compared to Mr. Vaughn.

“Good luck,” Henry said, and Finnley could read the sincerity in his eyes. “Let me know if anything changes, okay? I'll be here.”

Finnley shouldered his backpack and left the shop, the bell above the door ringing dully. If it weren't for Henry’s advice about watching Mia closely, he wouldn't have noticed the changes over the next few days.

He was fairly sure he spotted dark circles under her eyes, and that they were deepening. Her usually sharp and attentive brown eyes seemed to glaze over in classes Finnley knew she adored. And most of all, Mia no longer ran like her life depended on it in gym. Her enthusiasm for the sports they played guttered like a flame, then died.

When Finnley tried to approach her about it, she shrugged him off. He even asked Monica if she couldn't just check in on Mia that night and see if she was sleeping.

“You're asking me to be a spy,” Monica had replied indignantly, folding her arms over a ruffled yellow scarf. “You're asking me to spy on my closest friend because I'm a ghost.”

“Well… yeah,” Finnley had replied. That was essentially what it was, but both of them knew that he was right to be so concerned about Mia.

Monica had sniffed and walked off, but came back the next day with a report: Monica had peeked in on Mia several times during the night, and Mia had not been sleeping once. She had sat on the floor, bedside lamp on and a pitcher of water close at hand. Neither Finnley nor Monica could make any sense of it.

Still, Mr. Vaughn was away. There was nothing that they could do besides give Mia their full support. They thought they were keeping things together until a note showed up in Finnley’s locker at school, and Mia didn't show up at all. 


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Mon Feb 26, 2018 8:12 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Querencia. Pan dropping in for another review!

“Are you okay after last night? I know the nightmare was really bad…”


I continue to be confused that Finnley still hasn't asked or even wondered about what the nightmare is about. If it's so distressing and it's plagued her for so long, you'd think he'd be curious.

He didn't tell her about the strange force; it would only worry her more.


Something tells me that this is going to come back to bite him.

It was good to see her running, it meant that something was right.


There's a comma splice here.

She was still running towards the school. He sighed. It's probably doing her good.


Tense slippage.

No, your strange force means there's something sentient trying to tamper with the spell, to cut it off.”


Ahh, I wondered if it was something like this. But who or what is tampering with the spell? And why? I'm still edging towards the belief that the content of the nightmare is important in some way - that it might be more real than it seems. I feel like there has to be a reason that you've held back on telling us what it's about...

I'm also wondering why Mr Vaughn didn't tell Finnley about this possibility sooner, when Finnley first mentioned the strange force to him. It seems like a bit of an oversight to not explain it. Unless he didn't want Finnley to worry, but Mr Vaughn doesn't seem like the kind of person who would keep things from someone to spare them anxiety.

“I'm worried about her. She's so terrified of this recurring nightmare… I'm not sure she’s going to sleep.”


In future drafts, you definitely need to ease in the idea of the recurring nightmare a lot more gradually. At the minute, it feels like it really pops up out of nowhere, so we're being told that it's this massive, crippling fear of Mia's even though she never even mentioned it until a few chapters ago. I'm not saying it has to be there right from the start, but if you foreshadowed it more prior to the moment where she actually calls Finnley in the night (she could look more washed-out and tired in the weeks after the fire, or mention in passing that she's not been sleeping too well), I think the plot development would feel less abrupt.

Monica had sniffed and walked off, but came back the next day with a report: Monica had peeked in on Mia several times during the night, and Mia had not been sleeping once. She had sat on the floor, bedside lamp on and a pitcher of water close at hand. Neither Finnley nor Monica could make any sense of it.


Yes, this definitely seems very extreme. If the nightmare is so bad that Mia won't even let herself sleep, why isn't Finnley more curious about what the content of it is? To reiterate my last point, it does sort of feel like it's escalated really quickly. She's gone from not having nightmares to having an old nightmare once to having it every night to having it so consistently that she won't dare sleep. It's all rather sudden. If her condition is supposed to be drastically deteriorating, you need to make that clearer and show Finnley being confused by it.

They thought they were keeping things together until a note showed up in Finnley’s locker at school, and Mia didn't show up at all.


Oh man, what an end. This is a great cliffhanger to leave it on. What is going on with Mia? Has someone taken her? Has she run away herself? I'm going to have to get straight on with reading the next chapter to find out. It feels like we're really racing towards something dramatic.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Sun Feb 25, 2018 4:06 am
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hey Que! Here again.

One thing I noticed was about Mia's behavior. I think that if she was not sleeping at all for several days, by the end, her symptoms might be more severe than just dark circles and eyes glazing over? Though the inattentiveness makes sense to me. I ever read You Wouldn't Want to Live Without Sleep by Jim Pipe, and I remember that no sleep for several days is going to impact people's mental and physical state. I'm not sure because I'm no expert on this sleep thing but maybe you'd like to later do a little research on it. I don't want to give false information, so definitely take this with a tubful of salt. I might be wrong. And maybe those emotional tolls there, but I haven't noticed. Just something to maybe think about.

Also, I'm wondering if Mia's parents will notice something odd. Maybe I missed something in earlier chapters but I'm sure her parents will be VERY worried if Mia is going without sleep for a long time. But to think about it, Mia is definitely rather closed up about this nightmare thing so perhaps her parents don't know?? But I think they'd see it at mealtimes or something.

I also agree with Blue that the emotional punch'd be stronger if you fleshed out the part about Mia's sleep-deprived state, I think we'd all be feeling horrible for Mia, who was so tough and strong. And now, this nightmare thing is really ruining her life. I wonder what is it that scares her so much. I must know and I wish Mia wouldn't have to deal with this anymore . It must be so awful.

The cliffhanger at the end makes me think something bad has happened to Mia, really bad, and I'm worried so I'll head off to the next chapter as soon as I can I believe.

-Ink




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Sat Feb 03, 2018 7:47 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Querencia,

Shady here with a review to rescue your work from the Green Room! I haven't read the previous chapters, but I'll do my best to offer helpful feedback anyhow. :)

Still, Finnley was determined to do something. He wasn't about to give up any time soon.


I really like Finnley, already. Obviously I haven't been around to see the character development, but my gut reaction is to instantly like him. He seems like a really good friend, and an overall decent character.

“I laid this spell several days ago, on the pillow of my friend. She's been having nightmares,” he explained.


Oh... well, I didn't know that it was his fault in the first place when I complimented him lol But I still like him for trying to own up to his mistake and fix it.

~ ~ ~

Oooh, that ending. Such a cliffhanger. I really like your characters -- they seem very real and likable, even though I am jumping into the story so late. Typically it takes me a bit to warm up to characters, but as I already mentioned I liked Finnley basically instantly and Henry also seems like a really decent guy.

I don't really have any critiques for you so I'll end the review here, but you did an excellent job. I believe this is the first of your writing I've read, but I really enjoy it. You're definitely a talented author from what I can see.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Mon Jan 08, 2018 11:04 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



It was good to see her running, it meant that something was right.


Or it means she's running to distract herself.

OMG WHAT DOES THE NOTE SAY. MIA BETTER BE OKAY.

So I'm sort of suspicious of Henry even though I think he's probably 100% trustworthy and you aren't going to have some plot twist where he's actually bad news. He probably just seems suspicious because he happens to be alone at the shop the one time Finn desperately needs Mr. Vaughn. That would make anyone seem suspicious.

I'd like to see more of Mia acting weird and looking tired than just the quick paragraph summary we get in this chapter. Once again - likely because of LMS, since I know I keep doing this sort of thing as well - you kind of skim past some important information. In this case, mostly it's important for emotional weight and suspense. Like, if you really think about it, it's tragic: happy, upbeat, zany Mia, suffering from nightmares, to the point where she's afraid to sleep. She sits on her bedroom floor with a lamp and a pitcher of water, which really makes it seem like her lack of sleep is making her brain do funny things. She's inattentive and listless during the school day.

That is sad and really worrying. But you zip over it in two paragraphs - one about Mia's exhaustion during the day and one about what Monica finds when she checks up on Mia - so it lacks the emotional depth it deserves.

YOU BETTER NOT HURT MY BABY





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