Young Writers Society

Yo, Querencia! I'm like a steamroller today. Don't mind if I roll on in with another critique.

It had only been a few days, and Mia claimed that the nightmares had gone. Finnley was relieved, and ridiculously pleased that he had been able to do this.

Since that was the only spell he had active, he knew that had to be the one affecting it.

It felt as if someone were… pushing, testing the power of the spell. Finnley had given some more energy to the spell experimentally, and the odd force had backed off. It hadn’t come back since. Still, it made him uneasy.

Walking back from his training with Mr. Vaughn, Finnley’s eyes slid from the light sky to the dark hills of pine. Peaks of bare grey rock rose sharply above the trees, sticking out into the sky. He was studying the landscape before him absentmindedly when he felt a hand on his arm.

“Not yet,” he replied. He pulled his hood up over his ears as they turned onto a more exposed street.

“I really should tell you about—” she started.

“Don't,” Finnley interrupted. Monica looked at him in surprise, Amber eyes wide and full of life, even if she wasn't alive. “I want to know but… but not if it means you need to leave. I like you.”

“I like you too,” she said quietly. “I wish… I wish it could always be this way.” Then, even softer than before: “I wish I were still alive.”

“I know you want to forget that I'm dead, that I'm a ghost, but I can't. I want to stay as much as you want me to, but I have to tell you about your sister.”

“Well… If we don't tell Mr. Vaughn, then he doesn't have to send you back, right?”

“Alright. Don't tell me for now,” he said, the words harder to squeeze past his lips than he had anticipated. He didn't really need to know about his sister because she was dead. And there's no way of getting her back, he added firmly to himself.

“Finnley.” He sighed with relief. It was Mia. There was a strange little noise, almost like a sob. “I was so scared,” she whispered. “Your spell was working, but then —”

Hi! Here for review day. Don't have much to critique on.

Characters:

I'm sensing a possible romance between Monica and Finnley? The sad thing here is that Monica is a ghost and Finnley is not, and so nothing can really come out of this other than their own romantic feelings between them. But I think I like it, because those feelings feel natural to me and it's not as though this relationship is forced or anything. It's just the seeds, and may remain just the seeds.

I feel like Finnley is definitely changed. At the beginning, he had just moved, he felt anxious in my opinion, he had no friends. But now (and I suppose we're not near the end quite yet) he's got friends he could trust and a possible love interest. I always consider things like romances as part of growing up and finding yourself? I feel like in this character arc, Finnley is going to find himself and know who he is and gain confidence. I like it! My favorite character arc is the growing-up kind.

Monica doesn't want to be a ghost. To think about it, I think she never wanted to be a ghost. I'm kind of curious how she ended up that way? It's kind of a big step for Monica to say something that's hidden deep in her, and it convinces me more that there may be a fuzzy romance between the two? Or maybe it's possible that I'm a bit mistaken. Monica makes me think, despite of her cheerful personality outside, or a girl who's trying to smile while being lonely.

Others:

One little note I'd like to make is that you could flesh out the scene where Finnley has to break the spell a little more. After all, I don't feel like I'm really there. Maybe some elaboration on the tugging feeling would be nice, too, because it tells me how it's supposed to feel--but that's it. More detail would be nice, because I'd like to see a stronger sense of panic, like "Oh no what will happen if I give up too much of my magic". I like to use visceral details when I'm describing panic, like the character's chest knotting up or something like that. The main reason is probably, at least in my opinion, because it's too rushed for my liking.

I'm pretty curious about this mysterious tugging and Mia's nightmares. I hope Mia will later tell Finnley about it--for her own relief, she ought to tell somebody whether it's her parents or a close friend like Finnley.

Anyway, I think that's all I've got to say! Hope this helps

-Ink

Hey Querencia! This chapter has been in the green room for far too long, so I thought I'd review it! I believe I've read the previous couple of chapters, too.

The paragraph that describes the energy pull/tug on Finnley's spell was adequate, but I think the description could be better done to make it stronger. The slight hints that someone might be 'testing the power of the spell' were a little obvious and could smoothly slide into the paragraph with more ease. Whether someone actually is on the other side of the spell doing that, the sentence stuck out with awkwardness. I think you could dive into the flashback slower, to make it more natural -- which ties into my idea of adding more description for strength.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but you keep referring to Mia's nightmare spell as 'the spell' and other variations of that. It just leaves me curious as to whether there is a name for it or not? If spells have no names, that's completely the author's writing choice, but it could get confusing in certain scenarios. If there were two or more spells Finnley casts, how would we know which spell is which if they both don't have a name? I may just be completely clueless since I haven't read a majority of this novel, but maybe some of my points here are valid.

The call between Mia and Finnley felt... not random, but out of place and rushed. All of the sudden Finnley felt a pull again from the spell and then Mia immediately called. That makes somewhat sense, but I almost feel like the call was too soon? Mia talks like it happened a bit ago when in reality Finnley canceled the spell just seconds earlier. It almost makes me feel like Mia had been awake and not sleeping that entire time, as if standing right next to the phone.

The ending of the phone call was strange, in my opinion. I feel like I missed something. One moment Mia says she cannot go back to sleep, she doesn't want to face the nightmares, and then the next second she drops the conversation and says 'goodnight'. Maybe that term was also supposed to just mean 'goodbye' but something about the call needed more to it.

I think the phone call was missing some emotion, too. We got the sobbing sounds from Mia, but besides that nothing really was described. I feel like that's why the scene felt so rushed — the dialogue felt like the main focus and I didn't get an emotion-packed scene like I could have. This is an intense moment that could use some diving into. Every other description in this chapter was spot on, though! It's definitely tricky spreading dialogue and description out with each other.

Although I'm not completely familiar with this story and its characters, I found that I sometimes had to remind myself of who Monica was and who Mia was. This usually happens when character's names start with the same letter and/or sound the same. I think this mainly happened because I don't know the characters themselves, but just an observation.

The sky turned clear and pale, wisps of white clouds scooted across it, as if they were fleeing to warmer places.

Monica leaned forward and hugged him, then let herself fade away in his arms. Standing there, holding nothing, Finnley felt profoundly empty.

Everything seemed normal, although there had been a strange occurrence just the other night.

Finnley had been awoken by a strange feeling. It took him a moment to recognize it — a faint tugging on his energy stores. Since that was the only spell he had active, he knew that had to be the one effecting it. It felt as if someone were… pushing, testing the power of the spell. Finnley had given some more energy to the spell experimentally, and the odd force had backed off. It hadn’t come back since. Still, it made him uneasy. Mr. Vaughn was a little concerned, but had no definite answers for him. Unless the power returned, there was nothing to be done.

Without Finnley’s notice, October had slipped into November.

In the middle of the night, Finnley was awoken once more by the strange feeling of something tugging on his energy. He bolted upright and pressed a hand to his heart, breathing hard. It’s back, he thought, slightly panicked. It was a straining, pushing feeling, and all of a sudden Finnley found himself using far too much energy to maintain the spell. Mr. Vaughn’s words came back to him: “The spell cannot take from you any more or less than you are willing to give.” It was taking too much of Finnley’s energy to prevent this alien force — he had to cut the spell off.