By the time a week had passed, Finnley relaxed. He no longer watched Mia like a hawk, as if waiting for her to run wild into the forest. He no longer checked to make sure his pocket knife was secure in his backpack. But he didn't stop waiting for Monica to come back.
He'd been looking out for her for a while now, but to no avail. She'd said she'd be a week, but maybe it would take longer. Maybe she was just hiding.
The days were getting shorter and the shadows longer, stretching towards Halloween. Finnley tried not to think of what would happen on that day; he didn't look forward to seeing children dressed as monsters when he had already seen two real monsters this fall. Instead, he focused on his training with Mr. Vaughn, which he found oddly comforting.
The inside of the shop was always warmly lit, and Finnley would sit on the couch upstairs and work with Mr. Vaughn. He couldn't do any real spells yet, but he was building up to it. He was learning how to properly draw out the spells, what the symbols meant. He had to learn the magical language a bit, which took most of his time. In addition to writing it, to activate the spell he would have to state his intention in the language.
Finnley was good with the theory and liked learning it, and Mr. Vaughn was pleased with his progress. Every once in a while, Henry, one of Mr. Vaughn's old apprentices, would come for a visit and show Finnley his unique way of doing things. When his spells were activated, they turned neon yellow-green, a far cry from Mr. Vaughn's calm blue.
One afternoon while coming back from Mr. Vaughn's, Mia ran up to him excitedly.
"Woah, Mia!" Finnley said, startled but happy it was her. "Where did you come from?"
"Was waiting for you," she panted. "Maybe got a little sidetracked and had to get here quick."
Finnley had to smile at that. It was so like her to get caught up in something. She was always on the run. "Your house is almost done, right? Aren't you moving back in this weekend?"
"Yeah," Mia replied. Her impatient tone and agitated body language told Finnley that she had other things on her mind. Her jacket was tied around her waist and she kept fidgeting with the sleeves. "But Finnley, I've got something to show you, I think I'm onto something!"
"Alright, what is it?"
"Come on, I'll show you. Let's go!" Mia started off at a run and Finnley panicked slightly, remembering how athletic she was and how long it had been since he'd actively participated in his gym class. Luckily, she remembered too, and slowed to an intense speed walk, which was a little bit easier to match paces with. Finnley has long enough legs that he didn't have to walk so aggressively fast.
"What is it?" Finnley tried to ask again, but Mia would only walk purposefully forward. When the turned the corner and his friend headed straight for the forest, Finnley stopped. "Mia," he said, "I thought you weren't going to go into the forest? It could be dangerous!"
"I wasn't going to, but the other day I thought I saw something..." she replied, glancing between him and the dark eves of the forest. "I just took a few steps in. I swear I didn't go looking for a monster!"
"But you found one?" Finnley asked, deadly quiet.
"I-- I don't know what I found," she admitted. "Come on, just a few steps. I just want to see what you think."
"Fine," Finnley sighed and walked forward. He didn't want to tell her, but the curiosity was getting to him. A few steps wouldn't hurt -- besides, the pocket knife was still there, safe and sound.
He checked both ways, even though no one was driving down the quiet neighborhood street, then darted across the road with Mia. There was the forest, menacing yet beckoning them in.
Mia lead him inside and, true to her word, it was just a few steps on the light soil littered with pine needles. She stooped to the ground and pulled out a flashlight -- it was getting dark, though Finnley tried not to notice that.
"Look, just there." She indicated a spot on the ground. Finnley studied the imprint for a moment.
"A deer footprint?" he asked, then corrected himself. "No, deer have cloven hooves. A horse, then?"
"Exactly," said Mia, expectant.
"And what did you see? Was it a horse?"
"Well... I suppose... At least it looked like one," Mia said, playing with her jacket's sleeve again.
Finnley had to hold himself back from sighing. It was Wyoming. Horses weren't hard to come by. A black horse in the forest in the evening seen by a girl looking for monsters... It was an understandable mistake. He couldn't tell if he was relieved or disappointed.
"Come on, let's go home," Finnley said, pulling Mia up by the elbow. She didn't protest, and the two walked back to her neighbor's house in silence. He couldn't help but notice how many times she glanced back at the forest. In all honesty, he wanted to look back too, but he forced himself to keep his eyes forward.
She still looked anxious when he dropped her off at home, but her father pulled her into a hug and her shoulders drooped. Finnley knew she was fine, just looking too much for things that weren't there.
He headed off to his own home after that, no more worries about the forest. He did his homework, Rory at his side (much to Mrs. Bale's chagrin) and worked on his magic theory. His mother was very interested in that, both for his own safety and because it was a strange new thing, but eventually even she got bored. Stressed out from another hard day at work, she headed for bed and Finnley trudged upstairs shortly after her, sneaking his rabbit up to his room with him.
He went to sleep in a heartbeat, and everything was fine until he was awakened in the middle of the night by his phone ringing.
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Hi, Querencia. Back again!
Yay! Details about magic. I'm glad you've stuck with the idea of spells having to be drawn out. It makes it feel like a proper academic practice. It sounds like something I'd nerd out about, to be honest.
I wholeheartedly believe that it would be worth dedicating a chapter to this kind of thing in future drafts. We know so little about Henry that it'd be good to see him again properly. I'd like to actually witness his 'unique way of doing things', as well, because it feels like something that would be stronger if it was shown than told.
It'd be exciting to see Finnley's first lesson, as well. I'm kind of surprised that you skipped that!
Less of the 'could be'. It is dangerous!
Why wouldn't she at least give him some information about what she'd found? To at least reassure him? It just seems weird that she's being so mysterious about it.
FINNLEY. A POCKET KNIFE. IS NOT. A SUITABLE WEAPON.
...my unicorn senses are tingling.
Ah, a very intriguing end. The chapter was quite pedestrian on the whole but this ending piqued my interest.
Okay, so let me gather my overall thoughts. I find it weird that Mia was so secretive about what she'd seen, especially given that it was literally just a hoof print. Why did she have to drag Finnley all the way out to the forest for something that small? I mean, I know it's obviously going to the print of something a lot stranger than a horse, but they don't know that. I don't really get why Mia was so shifty about it as well. She's usually very forthright with her opinions.
I'm really excited by Finnley's magic studies, but I kind of wish they were getting more attention. I find it strange that they're not the main focus of the chapter, and that we only find out about everything he's learnt via some expository paragraphs at the beginning. His first proper introduction to magic feels like something we should've seen for ourselves, even if it turned out to be very mundane. It'd be funny to see Finnley getting all excited about his first lesson only for it to feel like a geometry lesson.
Still, this is a stronger chapter than the previous one. I'm especially intrigued by the end. I imagine that it's Mia on the phone (or maybe Monica)? I wonder if she's calling about something to do with the hoof print.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hello, there! I've got to say, this is written really well, so I may not have much to say. Also, I haven't read any other parts of this story, so excuse me if I make a mistake about something and sound like a goofball.

Okay, so this isn't something I typically bring up, but why the title? I'm sure you have a reason of course, but from this section alone, I have no idea how it's relevant to the story. This isn't me critiquing that, I'm honestly just curious, lol. Although, I do have to say, and I don't mean this is a bad way, that I personally think there could be a better title for this. Something interesting, more fitting, something that might give a little idea about the genre/tone of the story, maybe. I hope that doesn't offend you.
As for the actual *writing* of the story, it's really good. There's not much for me to mention there. I saw maybe one or two grammar mistakes, but not much, and they weren't repeated mistakes either. Something you'll probably find in an edit. The sentences flowed together smoothly, I could tell easily what you trying to say, words were used correctly, POV was consistent, etc., etc. There is quite a few adverbs for how short this part is, but to be honest, I probably use more than you do, so I'm being a hypocrite right now, lol. But that is something I've heard from a lot of published authors--to try lessening the amount of adverbs we use in stories.
Even though this is a short part, I was still able to pick out a few character traits from it and am able to understand what some of your characters are like, so that's good.
Since i don't know much of what's going on, the only thing I really have to say about the plot or this chapter is that it would've been nice to see some of the magic Finnley's working on. Of course, maybe you've had that in another chapter, so ignore that if so.
And that's really about it. I hope this helped somehow, and I hope that I didn't offend you any. If you ever want me to review something else, just want to talk, need help with something, whatever, just let me know and I'd be happy to. Have a good day!
Oh suuuuuuuuure, leave off just when it's getting good, why don't you.
ignoring the fact that that's like the best spot to leave off, usuallySo first of all: I don't think it was mentioned that it was a black horse? But then more than that, I'd want to hear what Mia thought she saw here. Whether or not she's right about it. Like she says "it looked like a horse," and then they just leave without Finn even voicing his thoughts about the fact that horses are all over the dang place. I'd want to see him speak those thoughts so Mia can then let us know what interested her so much about this horse (beyond there being a horse in the middle of the forest). It can't have merely been the fact that there was a horse running around the forest, although I admit that's a little odd unless a) it's fenced in or b) there are wild horses around.
Like she just got so excited about it, but then it was abandoned without a second thought.
Other than that, I don't have a ton to say about this chapter; it's mostly a connector chapter, so there's a lot of time-skipping. Which is fine and sometimes necessary but doesn't leave me with much to critique. Although I probably also wouldn't mind seeing a little more dramatization of Finn's magic training, which is almost entirely skipped over in this chapter even though it's the first we're seeing of it. I assume his ability to do magic is going to be important later in the story, so I want to see more of it! Plus magic is so different in different fantasy stories that it's worth showing us a bit when a character is learning, because I don't know if this is more Harry Potter magic or LotR magic or Artemis Fowl magic or magic in a story where magic is elemental or very technical or or or...
says the person who tries not to write magic very much at all because she doesn't actually ever bother figuring out those details about itI think I was going to have Finnley say those thoughts out loud, but I kind of wrote that part out of order so that%u2019s probably why I forgot about it. XD There was a little break between and I forgot to see what I actually wrote when I came back to it, thanks for letting me know.
Also, that%u2019s pretty much the reason I haven%u2019t written the magic, also I want to get to the fun stuff? I sort of figured out the magic a little when Mr. Vaughn spoke to Mrs. Bale, but that was about it. Okay yeah I was mostly excited for new stuff and wasn%u2019t ready to figure out all the magic stuff I should%u2019ve already figured out. Maybe I%u2019ll dedicate some chapters to it in between or later or something? Magic systems are hard for me since I%u2019m trying to figure out how it all works.
Like I said, "says the person who never bothers to figure out her magic..." I'm such a hypocrite lol. Buuuuuut even if you don't want to get into how it all actually works, a little more visuals/physical feelings of what Finnley is experiencing during their lessons would be cool without getting all technical about how it actually works (plus I feel like that's a lot easier).
Okay, that actually sounds really good haha. Thanks!