Hi, Querencia. Dropping in yet again.
"Monica," Finnley said after several minutes had passed
As I mentioned in a previous review, people don't just stand in silence for whole minutes. The awkwardness is too much. You could change it so that they were walking round the park or otherwise doing something else that might occupy their attention for a few minutes. My point being that they'd have to be doing something else for a silence to last this long.
"I know. I thought I could pretend, but I can't. If I told you, you'd see me differently, you wouldn't understand..."
This seems pretty sudden. I don't get why Finnley's suddenly decided to raise the issue again, and I don't really get why Monica is suddenly so ready to admit that she's hiding something.
"Okay. I'll go with you, but tomorrow. I'll meet you after school. I just- I need a little more time, okay? I want to be free for just a little longer. I want to stay normal."
I think this dialogue tips over into overly-telling territory with the red. It would be a lot more mysterious if you kept it a bit briefer.
"Stopped at a park to enjoy the fall day and found my friend Monica. We talked for a bit and I lost track of time. Heading home now."
Good Finnley, telling his mam where he's been.
"How was your day?" Mrs. Bale asked
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, it's the title!!
"Hm," his mom replied dubiously, hand on one hip and fingers tapping. It clearly wasn't good enough for her. "I'd very much like to talk to him about this. Know what the dangers are. I don't want you wrapped up in this even more than you already are. But... you did tell me about it. I'd hate to punish you for that. And I can see you're genuinely interested. You go to work every day this week like normal, but give me a good report on it, you hear? I want details, and then we can make a good decision together."
The whole idea of Finnley's mum being involved in what he's doing is quite a novelty, to be honest. It's so common in teen fiction for the parents to be completely clueless about what their kids are doing, so the dynamic of Finnley and his mum negotiating about what to do is both interesting and oddly humorous. The whole concept of asking your mum whether it's okay to learn magic just makes me giggle.
three musketeers, three legs to make a table stand
I love that he chooses one epic and dramatic example and then just compares the three of them to the legs on a table stand. It might not be intentionally funny, but I like it.
Okie-dokie, that's it for specific comments. This was slightly bumpier than the first half of the chapter. The conversation with Monica changed tone a bit too quickly, though I am excited to find out what's going on with her. Also, even though it does make for a refreshing change to see your characters talking to each other and communicating properly, it does...significantly reduce the conflict as well. When people have things to hide from each other, there's automatic tension. When everyone is open and communicating, things become almost too easy. It's hard to pitch the right balance. You don't want there to be so much character conflict that it steps into melodrama, but when everyone's making the right decisions and being kind to each other and trying to be their best self, it can seem a bit unrealistic. Because people make bad decisions all the time, even if they're trying to do the right thing.
I'll leave the review here. Still a pretty enjoyable chapter, but as always there are a handful of things to iron out.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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