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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 16.2

by Que


"Monica," Finnley said after several minutes had passed, "look. I know there's something you're hiding; even in talking about seemingly unrelated things we're dancing around something here, and it needs to stop."

Monica looked down at her lap, where her hands were neatly folded. "I know. I thought I could pretend, but I can't. If I told you, you'd see me differently, you wouldn't understand..." Here she trailed off, as if there were even reasons for hiding that she wouldn't tell him.

"I think we should go back and talk with Mr. Vaughn," Finnley said. He was worried about Monica, and he wanted to know what she was hiding, but at the same time he didn't want her to run away again. Her eyes were already darting from side to side, and Finnley got the distinct impression that she was looking for an escape.

Finnley laid a hand on top of hers, and that seemed to pull her back to the moment. Monica sighed a bit, as if she had resigned herself to something. "Okay. I'll go with you, but tomorrow. I'll meet you after school. I just- I need a little more time, okay? I want to be free for just a little longer. I want to stay normal."

Finnley didn't ask her to clarify, nor did he point out that she seemed far from normal to him. He just said "okay", and after a few more minutes in silence, they parted ways. Finnley didn't know what to think, but while he was mulling over Monica's complicated mystery, he no longer felt afraid of telling his mother about Mr. Vaughn. Well, that wasn't entirely true. She might forbid him from going to back, a prospect which made his pulse quicken, but it would be good tell someone else.

At that very moment, Finnley's phone buzzed. It was a text from his mom, wondering where he was. The time was later than he expected, and he anxiously replied, "Stopped at a park to enjoy the fall day and found my friend Monica. We talked for a bit and I lost track of time. Heading home now." Tucking his phone back into his pocket, he took longer, quick strides back towards his house. This late in the year, it began to get dark early, and the air was turning cold.

When Finnley came in the front door, he saw his mom in the kitchen making dinner. Though she only smiled and waved with a green oven mitt when she saw him, he thought he saw her shoulders relax with relief. Finnley set down his bag and went over to feed Rory. He found the rabbit already chewing on a carrot, and he knew that his mother had slipped him some extra food again. Finnley smiled and shook his head.

"How was your day?" Mrs. Bale asked, peering around the corner to look at him. Finished with the food, Finnley straightened up and faced his mother.

"Actually, more than you would expect," he said with a short little laugh. His mom raised an eyebrow and he continued to tell her about Mr. Vaughn and magic, leaning against the kitchen counter.

Mrs. Bale kept on making dinner with a sort of decided firmness, as if she would continue on with cooking even if the rest of the world went to pieces. Finnley imagined she would.

"You know I don't like this," she began, holding up a hand to silence Finnley's unformed protest, "and you shouldn't go rushing into it. But it's different from these... monsters. Do you think it could maybe help you defend yourself against them?"

Finnley considered this. "I'd imagine so," he said after a moment. "I'll have to ask Mr. Vaughn."

"Hm," his mom replied dubiously, hand on one hip and fingers tapping. It clearly wasn't good enough for her. "I'd very much like to talk to him about this. Know what the dangers are. I don't want you wrapped up in this even more than you already are. But... you did tell me about it. I'd hate to punish you for that. And I can see you're genuinely interested. You go to work every day this week like normal, but give me a good report on it, you hear? I want details, and then we can make a good decision together."

"Good idea," Finnley said, readily agreeing. This was an offer he wasn't going to get twice. He sat down at the table and ate dinner with his mom. The two of them hadn't been this honest with each other about their days in who knew how long, and it felt better than he could have imagined. Still, when he went upstairs to do his homework, Finnley felt as if he was missing something. He decided to call up Mia and see how she was faring.

The phone rang four times before Mia picked up. "Hellooooo Finnley," she said in a sing-song voice.

"Mia?" Finnley said tentatively, a little concerned for his friend. "Are you all good?"

"Feeling quite fine!" she said, which didn't make Finnley feel much better. "We're trying to have a girls' night here, so was that all you wanted to say?"

Finnley was a bit taken back. "Excuse me?" A girls' night? What did that even mean?

"Monica and I are doing important things. Board games. Movies. So, if you just wanted to hear my most beautiful voice, then you can stop now," Mia proclaimed, and there was a burst of giggles, presumably from Monica.

"Oh. Um, bye," Finnley said, and quickly hung up. Monica and Mia. He hadn't realized that they'd really hit it off so much. Well. He was glad of it, anyhow. Mia needed something to keep her mind off her mother, and maybe this was what Monica had meant by being normal.

As Finnley finished up his homework, he thought about himself and Mia. For a while now, he'd though of them as a duo. Just recently, he'd even thought of them as a monster-fighting duo, although that did make him worry there were more to come. Was their duo becoming a trio now? It seemed kind of fitting. Three had always been a good number- three musketeers, three legs to make a table stand- who knew what good things were in store for the three of them?


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Tue Feb 13, 2018 9:02 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Querencia. Dropping in yet again.

"Monica," Finnley said after several minutes had passed


As I mentioned in a previous review, people don't just stand in silence for whole minutes. The awkwardness is too much. You could change it so that they were walking round the park or otherwise doing something else that might occupy their attention for a few minutes. My point being that they'd have to be doing something else for a silence to last this long.

"I know. I thought I could pretend, but I can't. If I told you, you'd see me differently, you wouldn't understand..."


This seems pretty sudden. I don't get why Finnley's suddenly decided to raise the issue again, and I don't really get why Monica is suddenly so ready to admit that she's hiding something.

"Okay. I'll go with you, but tomorrow. I'll meet you after school. I just- I need a little more time, okay? I want to be free for just a little longer. I want to stay normal."


I think this dialogue tips over into overly-telling territory with the red. It would be a lot more mysterious if you kept it a bit briefer.

"Stopped at a park to enjoy the fall day and found my friend Monica. We talked for a bit and I lost track of time. Heading home now."


Good Finnley, telling his mam where he's been.

"How was your day?" Mrs. Bale asked


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, it's the title!!

"Hm," his mom replied dubiously, hand on one hip and fingers tapping. It clearly wasn't good enough for her. "I'd very much like to talk to him about this. Know what the dangers are. I don't want you wrapped up in this even more than you already are. But... you did tell me about it. I'd hate to punish you for that. And I can see you're genuinely interested. You go to work every day this week like normal, but give me a good report on it, you hear? I want details, and then we can make a good decision together."


The whole idea of Finnley's mum being involved in what he's doing is quite a novelty, to be honest. It's so common in teen fiction for the parents to be completely clueless about what their kids are doing, so the dynamic of Finnley and his mum negotiating about what to do is both interesting and oddly humorous. The whole concept of asking your mum whether it's okay to learn magic just makes me giggle.

three musketeers, three legs to make a table stand


I love that he chooses one epic and dramatic example and then just compares the three of them to the legs on a table stand. It might not be intentionally funny, but I like it.

Okie-dokie, that's it for specific comments. This was slightly bumpier than the first half of the chapter. The conversation with Monica changed tone a bit too quickly, though I am excited to find out what's going on with her. Also, even though it does make for a refreshing change to see your characters talking to each other and communicating properly, it does...significantly reduce the conflict as well. When people have things to hide from each other, there's automatic tension. When everyone is open and communicating, things become almost too easy. It's hard to pitch the right balance. You don't want there to be so much character conflict that it steps into melodrama, but when everyone's making the right decisions and being kind to each other and trying to be their best self, it can seem a bit unrealistic. Because people make bad decisions all the time, even if they're trying to do the right thing.

I'll leave the review here. Still a pretty enjoyable chapter, but as always there are a handful of things to iron out.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Sun Oct 29, 2017 5:09 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there Querencia and happy review day. I haven't read any of the other parts of your story so let's see how badly this goes.

"Monica," Finnley said after several minutes had passed, "look. I know there's something you're hiding; even in talking about seemingly unrelated things we're dancing around something here, and it needs to stop."

Having no prior knowledge about what issue they're referring to, I'm really interested in what happened to spawn this conversation. I have faith in the fact it was probably something well written and I'm even tempted to go back and read through the other chapters, maybe if I get the chance to later on in RD. I always like having a novel to switch over to when the times get tough but hopefully I'm not admitting defeat so soon.

The plot within this chapter was fairly interesting, enough to keep me from staring off into space at regular intervals, so I appreciate that aspect of this. There's little mentions of a bigger mystery within the plot and one of the characters wanting to remain 'normal', which I guess is where the supernatural part of this comes in.

The title also tripped me up for a bit but then I saw it relate back to something in the text. I'm guessing this is some sort of pattern and habit or tradition or something, that takes place between the main character and his mom. Not really sure what direction I'm heading off with that theory but it just kind of sticks as one of those things that I've got to question you about.

I actually don't have any comments outside of that, so my apologies, but I didn't find much else to comment on.




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Mon Oct 16, 2017 11:43 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



"How was your day?"


BOOM title of the story right there ladies and gentlemen.

*is trying not to ship Monica and Finn because it's okay not to have romance sometimes but...*
*is seriously happy about the Monica/Mia friendship*

Okay, more curious than ever about Monica! I know I said that after the last chapter with Mr. Vaughn, but even more so now because she talked about wanting to be normal one more time and thinking Finnley will judge her or feel differently (presumably negatively) about her. POOR MONICA and it doesn't even have anything to do with the fact that that was my grandma's name okay maybe a little

Lol I love seeing a parent actually involved in stuff for once - usually they're only involved if they're deeply involved, like they're the ones who have known about this all along and tried to protect their kids from it (more like Fred if he was a dad instead of an uncle), but Mrs. Bale is just a normal mom who wants to make sure she knows where her kid is and what he's doing, even if it's weird magicky/supernatural stuff.

Some of the writing was a little awkward, but that's all minor stuff. Like

"Good idea," Finnley said, readily agreeing.


Duh. "Readily agreeing." Silly.

And then I was just thinking: I like the way the story has gone, but I remember early on it tended more toward horror/creepiness and I feel like we've mostly lost that. (Although the chapter with the fire and the demon was really good.) I don't know if you wanted to keep the story in that mood, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.

Image




Que says...


Thank you!
I kind of also ship Monica and Finnley shh
I%u2019m super excited about Monica as well, I%u2019ve kind of been planning this for a while. Hopefully it will come out right!
I hadn%u2019t originally intended it to be all that creepy, just like real life stuff with supernatural things. When I wrote about the first monster scene, it got a lot creepier than I expected, but then in between I guess I got back to normality? I%u2019m not sure yet if I want creepiness throughout.



BluesClues says...


Okay! Just something to consider in later drafts so it can just be more consistent. I mean, obviously a bit of creepiness is fine but probably toned down more in the first scenes if you decide you don't want creepiness overall.




The moral of Snow White is never eat apples.
— Lemony Snicket