An ambulance and the fire department were called from their firm defense of the school dance to Mia's house before long, and all the Harts went with Mia's mother to the hospital. "Family only," Mia told Finnley sadly, still trying to hold back her tears. She gave a great sniff and hugged Finnley, then turned back towards the ambulance. Finnley thought he caught the whisper of, "Good luck" before she walked away. Then he was alone, save for the firefighters who were working to control the blaze, spraying arcs of water that seemed to glow silver in the dying light of the fire. Those last bits of light were enough to illuminate the painful truth: Monica was gone. Though Finnley didn't know how she did it, not to mention why, there was no trace of her to be found. It was as if she had never been more than a breath of wind, gone as soon as someone shifted.
Finnley sighed and looked up towards the stars, only there were none. The sky was covered in the last traces of smoke, standing out against an even darker bed of clouds that seemed to be descending over the entire valley. There was something about this that just felt so wrong- how could all of this have just happened, and then it was suddenly over, and ended so completely? Whatever it was, this betrayal of the sky made Finnley desperately sad, and lonely, and oh so cold.
Though he walked quietly, the street was quieter, and each of his slow, aimless footsteps echoed off the buildings and came right back to him. When Finnley came to the car, the keys were still inside, and he sat down and turned the lights on, not because he needed them for a drive of a few blocks, but just to know that they were still there. He drove home slowly, as if the car was tired out from all its driving adventures of the day, or maybe it was just Finnley's heavy heart, sinking down from his chest into his stomach the closer he got to home.
The lights were all on in his house, by far the brightest house on the block, and yet these did not comfort him. It was with great reluctance that he pulled himself out of the car and put his key in the lock. Finnley realized with a start that he had left his jacket in Mia's burning house. Another thing lost. Another lie. His stomach gave a violent twist at the thought, in perfect coordination with Finnley's hand twisting open the door handle.
"Mom?" he called into the well-lit but empty house. His voice came out thin and exhausted, and his throat still burned with the smoke he'd inhaled at Mia's. He couldn't seem to get the feel of it out of his lungs, couldn't seem to get the scent out of his skin. Finnley cleared his throat and tried again: "Mom? Are you home?"
"Finnley!" she cried, running into the foyer. "Are you alright? Oh, look at you- covered in ash?- what happened?" Despite being covered in a layer of grime, Finnley found himself being hugged tight by his mother, her safe, homey scent enveloping- and only doubling his guilt.
"It was Mia's house- it was on fire," he started, swallowing the lump in his throat and trying to smile reassuringly. It wasn't a lie yet. But... "We were at the dance when Mia's parents called and we just had to drive over. The fire department hadn't gotten there yet, and Mia's mom was burned pretty bad, but they went off to the hospital, she should be fine."
Mrs. Bale held a hand to her mouth to stifle a gasp, but she too swallowed, as if preparing for what she was about to say as much as her son just had. "That's horrible! I'm glad she's safe now. But, Finnley? You left your phone. I wanted you to have it just in case something happened."
"Oh," Finnley replied awkwardly. He wasn't sure if she was just worried or getting at something bigger, but it had him on edge. His eyes darted around the room, lingering on the windows and the darkness outside, as if secretly longing for an escape to appear.
"I walked over to the school before the dance began, figuring that I would intercept you there and give it to you," she continued, growing more confident. She looked Finnley directly in the eye, and her gaze had more steel in it than he had ever seen. Though she was often worried, this time things had gone too far and she was determined to find an end. "More and more kids started to come, but I didn't see you. Probably taking your time with dinner, enjoying yourselves. I asked the person collecting tickets to hold it for you, only he said you didn't have a ticket. I understand that you can buy them at the door, but you said you'd gotten yours this week." Finnley felt the blood drain from his face as his mother rounded on him. "You two didn't go to homecoming, did you?"
It wasn't a question to be answered, but Finnley breathed the faintest "No." His mother's lips were drawn into a thin, furious line that made him want to shrink back from her. She raised a single eyebrow and folded her arms, not even deigning to voice her question. "We... we went to go find Mia's uncle, Fred," he whispered.
Mrs. Bale shook her head and sighed. "I believe it," she said, "I certainly believe it, but I know that's not all." She paced back and forth for a moment, then stopped and faced Finnley again, and he gulped silently. "There's something else going on here, something that you're in on. I couldn't find you one night, and you turned up at Mia's house at some inhuman hour? You went to find Mia's uncle and her house ended up on fire? You'd better sit down, because it's high time you explained things to me."
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Hiya, Querencia. You know the drill by now.
Man, that's a lovely bit of description.
#ghostconfirmed
More lovely description! You seem to be on the ball with that in this chapter.
On the other hand, just watch out for bits of needless telling. Don't tell us he's reluctant; show us his heavy, languid movements; show how he hesitates before opening the car door.
Same sort of thing here. Show his guilt rather than just telling us about it. This kid's just been through the mill; I reckon that a warm hug from his mum would be enough so set him off crying, combined with the shock and the fear of the whole evening crashing down on him. Still, that's your call. Just try and think of a way to show his emotions a bit more.
Oh, Finnley. Mothers always find out the truth one way or another.
To be honest, Mrs Bale strikes me as someone you'd want onside in a fight against a demon. She seems to know her stuff. I think this is a potentially interesting end, as well, because it's a chance to bring Allie back into the foreground of the story. I assume that Finnley's going to have to explain how the whole thing started, so it would be good to see Allie discussed again after so long - and maybe to get a hint of his mother's grief. Considering how recent Allie's death is, I actually do find it quite strange that she isn't mentioned more in the narrative, at least in relation to Finnley's thoughts. I feel like I barely know anything about her. I had to actually go back to earlier chapters to double-check her name.
Still, this chapter feels a lot more assured than the last few. The description is a lot more evocative and the pacing is far better. There's obviously bits of telling to look out for, but that's just one of those First Draft Things. Other than that, this was a pretty solid instalment. I'm looking forward to seeing how Finnley's mum reacts to the truth.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hello again!
So it's great to see that Mrs. Bale *might* be somehow involved in this whole demon business, because often, parents don't involve in the dangerous adventures young and courageous protagonists go on. And I'm quite sure that she might play a supportive rather than an antagonistic role, but she might put her foot down on any goings-on if they become dangerous. /prediction
I don't know if it's only me, but would Mrs. Bale ask Finnley to explain to her first, or settle him down to make him comfortable? He's all grimy so I think a quick bath for him would be good first...or maybe that'll just slow down the pacing of this chapter. I don't know. And again, great for Mrs. Bale's astuteness--she knows her son well, and guessed that he wasn't at homecoming. And then they're going to have that talk!
I thought your description was done nicely: it highlighted the atmosphere of the scene pretty well, because somehow I got a lonely feel from it. I think this is good because adding a sense of emotion to the description can make it more vivid and also show things through the character's PoV, at least in my opinion. That slow pace in the beginning matched the mood of the scene very well and I really liked it.
One last thing: is it possible that she might be also a little angry with him for running off without her notice--he's technically breaking a promise to go to homecoming, isn't he? I wonder if even though Mrs. Bale understands, there will be consequences for deceiving her, wouldn't there?
Hope this helped and I'll be looking forward for the next chapter~
-Ink
Thanks for the review!
I figured since Mrs. Bale didn't know the full story (aka how much danger Finnley was REALLY in), she made the quick assessment that he was unharmed and needed an explanation. Plus, knowing Finnley, if she let him slip off he might never get around to telling her! I'll keep it in mind that she might be more concerned about her son's cleanliness. XD
I'm glad the description and mood were good, I tried hard to make them better! And yes, she's definitely angry. I tried to show it in a few places, but she's not "blowing up" mad, and anger isn't going to help her get to the bottom of things, which is what she really wants right now. She's not entirely sure what she needs to be angry about yet, but definitely lying to her is not cool. And yep, there will definitely be real-life consequences, such as grounding. XD Poor Finn.
Thanks!
YAY.
Cool, I'm glad Finnley's mom is proving to be one smart cookie and that she's going to finally learn about what's going on. At least, I assume she's going to - considering the moment she realized Finnley was okay, she immediately let him know she saw right through his lies. I'm curious to see if he'll tell her the real truth, considering it's pretty unbelievable.
re: description, I think you did a much better job in this chapter!
Those are some of my favorite lines. Between the description and Finnley's thoughts, you did a great job really getting his emotions across in this chapter, along with the tone of the story. I liked the balance between his feeling exhausted/drained, his concern for Mia and Monica, and his guilt for lying to his mom for so long.
Yay, thanks for the review! And wow it was kind of a relief to write like this again, honestly. I felt a bit like I was overdoing it, but at least I made Finnley's emotions better!
Also, I could never stand to make Mrs. Bale a "dumb mom" or anything- she totally knows something's up. 