Hiya, Querencia. You know the drill by now.
Then he was alone, save for the firefighters who were working to control the blaze, spraying arcs of water that seemed to glow silver in the dying light of the fire.
Man, that's a lovely bit of description.
Monica was gone. Though Finnley didn't know how she did it, not to mention why, there was no trace of her to be found. It was as if she had never been more than a breath of wind, gone as soon as someone shifted.
#ghostconfirmed
The sky was covered in the last traces of smoke, standing out against an even darker bed of clouds that seemed to be descending over the entire valley.
More lovely description! You seem to be on the ball with that in this chapter.
It was with great reluctance that he pulled himself out of the car and put his key in the lock.
On the other hand, just watch out for bits of needless telling. Don't tell us he's reluctant; show us his heavy, languid movements; show how he hesitates before opening the car door.
Finnley found himself being hugged tight by his mother, her safe, homey scent enveloping- and only doubling his guilt.
Same sort of thing here. Show his guilt rather than just telling us about it. This kid's just been through the mill; I reckon that a warm hug from his mum would be enough so set him off crying, combined with the shock and the fear of the whole evening crashing down on him. Still, that's your call. Just try and think of a way to show his emotions a bit more.
...but they went off to the hospital. She should be fine."
I understand that you can buy them at the door, but you said you'd gotten yours this week." Finnley felt the blood drain from his face as his mother rounded on him. "You two didn't go to homecoming, did you?"
Oh, Finnley. Mothers always find out the truth one way or another.
"There's something else going on here, something that you're in on. I couldn't find you one night, and you turned up at Mia's house at some inhuman hour? You went to find Mia's uncle and her house ended up on fire? You'd better sit down, because it's high time you explained things to me."
To be honest, Mrs Bale strikes me as someone you'd want onside in a fight against a demon. She seems to know her stuff. I think this is a potentially interesting end, as well, because it's a chance to bring Allie back into the foreground of the story. I assume that Finnley's going to have to explain how the whole thing started, so it would be good to see Allie discussed again after so long - and maybe to get a hint of his mother's grief. Considering how recent Allie's death is, I actually do find it quite strange that she isn't mentioned more in the narrative, at least in relation to Finnley's thoughts. I feel like I barely know anything about her. I had to actually go back to earlier chapters to double-check her name.
Still, this chapter feels a lot more assured than the last few. The description is a lot more evocative and the pacing is far better. There's obviously bits of telling to look out for, but that's just one of those First Draft Things. Other than that, this was a pretty solid instalment. I'm looking forward to seeing how Finnley's mum reacts to the truth.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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