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Young Writers Society



How Was Your Day? - Chapter 13.1

by Que


The four of them in the car, Mia, Monica, Finnley, and Uncle Fred were racing the impossible: a demon. In the backseat, Monica had gone hard as steel with determination, and Finnley would stick his head out the open window to keep an eye on the demon. Mia was helping her uncle out with the fastest way back home, and he was flooring the gas pedal. Somehow, amongst all this, Uncle Fred told them, in bits and pieces, about the monstrous shadow they had let loose.

"Ever since your grandfather died, see, I've been studying in the forest, studying our history, tracking down and hunting what creatures I could," he started, speaking mostly to Mia, but about things that concerned them all.

"How do you find them?" Monica asked quietly, staring at the headrest of the seat in front of her. She refused to meet anyone's eye. Her shoulders were thrown back, and she looked for all the world like she was ready to face that demon. She was different from Mia, however, who was leaning forward in her seat with an almost hungry look in her eye. Her shoulders were loose and, despite her dressed up appearance, she didn't like she would even remove a single piece of jewelry, let alone her heels.

"I go out into the forest," Fred explained, glancing over his shoulder at Monica and Finnley in the back, "and I set out traps. Some go for human scents, and I would cover up mine as best I could and put some sweat covered smelly clothes in a clearing and watch and wait. I do all sorts of things like that, with little drops of blood or specific foods and other such things. I don't catch them all, and I certainly don't kill them all, but I'm able to observe a bit and catalogue them.

"For the demon, it was the same process. When it came down into the clearing, I was able to temporarily bind it into a small jar I had on hand. I had looked into some ancient spells, and I wasn't entirely sure they would work, but the books I was reading claimed that the demon would be able to fit in whatever container you bound it in and would not be able to come out unless someone let it out."

"Hard left!" Mia exclaimed suddenly, interrupting. "There's a shortcut this way." Uncle Fred did as she said, the car tires squeaking in protest as they took the turn. Finnley made a grab for the handle on the ceiling; they had turned on a rough gravel road.

"I think we'd be able to go faster on pavement-" Finnley began, but cut himself off when he caught sight of the speedometer. "I guess it is a shortcut, if you drive that fast," he murmured to himself.

Fred continued on as if nothing had occurred to interrupt him. "I took the jar into the house and set up the house with the same sorts of spells. I'd be in there with the dang thing, but it wouldn't be able to hurt me. I thought I'd have a chance at killing it. I'd only just released it from its jar, though, when you three came knocking at my door." He squinted at them again, turning around briefly to look them all in the face.

"You said earlier that you needed information, that things were happening in the forest," he said, and he heaved a great sigh. "I've been noticing as much. I've no doubts that you tried to find out more about it, with Mia hanging out with you." She straightened a little in pride at that. "I suspect her parents weren't too happy about it, though. And that's why you... snuck off? Your parents don't know that you're here, do they?" It was more an accusation than a question.

Finnley slowly shook his head, and Mia grinned a little bit sheepishly. Monica said nothing at all, though she looked at the others with interest. Finnley was curious about her- he really wanted to talk with her about all this once it was over.

Fred grinned ruefully at them all, one corner of his mouth pulling up more than the other. "It was just the same with me when I was of that age," he said, "sneaking out and the like. But I've never heard of dressing up to sneak out!"

"It's homecoming," Mia explained. "Finnley and I pretended that we were going as a couple, but came here instead. We found Monica hiding in the car and she came with."

"Excellent plan," Fred said, smiling at Mia. "But did you by chance bring a change of clothes?"

"I think I'm fine," Mia said airily, but she turned back to Finnley and mouthed the word 'Shoes?', looking at him imploringly. Finnley unbuckled his seatbelt and turned around, kneeling on his seat so he could reach all the way in the trunk. At that moment, the car hit a large pothole, and Finnley's head cracked against the ceiling. His vision went black for a moment, and when it came back, Monica was leaning towards him, seeing if he was alright. Finnley almost cried out, for she was as white as a ghost. She wasn't pale, she was just... white. As if all the color had been sucked out of her, as if the essence of Monica had disappeared. He blinked rapidly and shook his head, then it was gone. Everything was back to normal.

"Are you alright?" Mia asked, turned around in her seat with concern. She reached a hand back to him, but he gently pushed it away.

"I'm fine, it was just a bump," he replied, rubbing his head. He reached all the way in the back and grabbed Mia's tennis shoes, which she took gratefully. But Monica was staring at him, like she knew what he had seen. He gave her a look that meant, 'We'll talk later', and she gave him one in return which meant, 'I know.' Whatever had happened, it didn't give him a bad feeling. It didn't frighten him. There was something about it, though, which made him very, very sad.

"Mia, there's one last thing you need to know," Fred said, looking directly at his niece. "And the rest of you can hear it, since you're all wrapped up in this too, somehow, but this isn't really about you. It's about us. Mia: you, me, our family, we have a destiny, a fate. I know you've felt it tugging at you; I can see it."

"We're not an ordinary family, are we," Mia whispered.

"No, Mia," Uncle Fred replied, equally softly but with a spark of something in his voice. "We're monster hunters."


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Sun Feb 04, 2018 9:08 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Querencia. Pan back for another critique. Same drill as usual; comments as I go along and small grammatical suggestions in blue.

The four of them in the car - Mia, Monica, Finnley, and Uncle Fred - were racing the impossible


In the backseat, Monica had gone hard as steel with determination


How so? What's she actually doing to show her determination?

"Ever since your grandfather died, see, I've been studying in the forest, studying our history, tracking down and hunting what creatures I could," he started, speaking mostly to Mia, but about things that concerned them all.


No need to tell us that. From the dialogue alone, we can tell that this concerns them all.

She was different from Mia, however, who was leaning forward in her seat with an almost hungry look in her eye.


Just one eye. The other eye isn't hungry at all. It ate a bit of pizza earlier. :P

"I go out into the forest," Fred explained, glancing over his shoulder at Monica and Finnley in the back, "and I set out traps. Some go for human scents, and I would cover up mine as best I could and put some sweat covered smelly clothes in a clearing and watch and wait. I do all sorts of things like that, with little drops of blood or specific foods and other such things. I don't catch them all, and I certainly don't kill them all, but I'm able to observe a bit and catalogue them.

"For the demon, it was the same process. When it came down into the clearing, I was able to temporarily bind it into a small jar I had on hand. I had looked into some ancient spells, and I wasn't entirely sure they would work, but the books I was reading claimed that the demon would be able to fit in whatever container you bound it in and would not be able to come out unless someone let it out."


This is cool. You do a great job at summarising it and making it feel like a natural explanation - it doesn't come across like an info-dump or anything, and it does a lot to flesh out the ins and outs of how magic and monsters work in this world.

"I think we'd be able to go faster on pavement-" Finnley began, but cut himself off when he caught sight of the speedometer. "I guess it is a shortcut, if you drive that fast," he murmured to himself.


Hah. Still worried about road safety even when there's a demon on the loose.

His vision went black for a moment, and when it came back, Monica was leaning towards him, seeing if he was alright. Finnley almost cried out, for she was as white as a ghost. She wasn't pale, she was just... white. As if all the color had been sucked out of her, as if the essence of Monica had disappeared. He blinked rapidly and shook his head, then it was gone. Everything was back to normal.


Okay, that is weird. What the heck is up with Monica? I'm beginning to wonder if she's some kind of ghost.

I feel like you are being a bit heavy with the hints when it comes to Monica's oddities. I don't know what is going on with her, but I feel like the eventual reveal would be much more surprising if you were less obvious about it now.

"No, Mia," Uncle Fred replied, equally softly but with a spark of something in his voice. "We're monster hunters."


*Carry On My Wayward Son plays in the distance*

Okay, so, general thoughts about the chapter. It's decent, but it feels like there's still quite a lot going on at once, so I can't really absorb things that easily. It's hard to get to know Fred's character when we're simultaneously adjusting to Mia's presence and dealing with the matter of the demon. The revelation that Mia's family is one of monster hunters is potentially interesting, but you're going to have to make sure you put an original spin on it, because it's a concept that does show up a lot in fiction - like in the aforementioned Supernatural, for example. At the moment, everything seems quite fit to type. Demons are classically evil predators, they hang about in forests, humans kill them. Apart from Mr Vaughn's shop, nothing in this story has really stood out to me as a unique magical concept yet.

Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to seeing what actually happens when they confront the demon. It'll be interesting to see how this tag team clubs together and fights as a group, and I do wonder when the truth about Monica is going to come to light. And how will Mia's family react when they find out that Uncle Fred has told her the truth? I have to assume her parents were never involved in the monster hunting themselves.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:42 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



"No, Mia," Uncle Fred replied, equally softly but with a spark of something in his voice. "We're monster hunters."


*queue Supernatural theme song*

I probably would've liked Uncle Fred to get to this faster and fill in the details later, since they're literally chasing a demon right this minute. Looking back, there's not even that much backstory, but it felt like a lot to me when I was reading it, just because I wanted there to be more of a feeling of suspense and immediate danger.

I forgot I hadn't reviewed this yet, but that's part of what I was talking about in my review of the next installment, where that chapter did have that real feeling of danger and suspense. The problem with this bit is, I think the truck barreling down the road at them in the next chapter was more intense than this demon chase in this chapter. Which, like, it's good that the truck scene was so intense, but I'd expect a supernatural thing to be more so, especially since that's not a thing we'd experience in real life.

I also have to agree with Light: the whole "fate" thing, "we hunt monsters because it's our destiny" is a little eye-rolly. I don't know Uncle Fred that well, so it didn't necessarily seem out of character for him, but for him to be talking about it in the middle of a chase scene, plus the fact that it's kind of cliched...it just didn't do much for me.

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Que says...


Thank you for the review!



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Tue Aug 15, 2017 2:59 pm
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review! :D

He squinted at them again, turning around briefly to look them all in the face.


I would prefer him to look through the mirror to see them (excluding Mia, who is of course by his side). That would be less dangerous than turning your head around when you're already pushing the car's speed to the limit. As a side note, I like how you intersperse Uncle Freddy's storytelling with Mia's instruction, and how the former isn't interrupted by the later and continues the story smoothly. It makes for a nice break here and a while, giving us information while providing us actions too.

His vision went black for a moment, and when it came back, Monica was leaning towards him, seeing if he was alright. Finnley almost cried out, for she was as white as a ghost. She wasn't pale, she was just... white. As if all the color had been sucked out of her, as if the essence of Monica had disappeared. He blinked rapidly and shook his head, then it was gone. Everything was back to normal.


I think the description of Monica at that moment succeeds in pulling my attention to her. It seems like you're building a mystery around her, what with her being quite and Finny wanting to know more about her by talking to once this all is done with. I'm pretty sure she's some sort of supernatural creature at this point based on this description alone and I'm pretty curious if that's the case. Mia did say the found Monica hiding, so I'm pretty sure not much is not known about her. Maybe she's a vampire. o:

I think the part about Uncle Fred talking about Mia and him being monster hunters can be lessen down in terms of cheesiness because of the fate talking. In fact, I think it would suit his personality to cut to the chase and say they're monster hunters. If you want to build up the tension, then perhaps you can deliver that by how his body language changes, and how the others wait in anticipation of what he's going to say.

Also, I think you focus on how different each character here quite well. I still haven't figured out Finny, but he seems to be the cautious yet adventurous guy, Monica is the quite one while Mia is the fiery one. Uncle Fred seems to be the favourite uncle (at least to me) given how honest, understanding, and approachable he is. While you don't focus on the demon, the information about how Uncle Fred comes to be the monster hunter and the mystery around Monica as well as the big reveal make the chapter solid.

And that is all! I'm interested to know what exactly is the deal with Monica. Keep up the good job! :D




Que says...


Thank you so much for the review!
I wanted Fred to look in the mirror as well, but I felt as if I'd already used that too much in the last few sections and I didn't want to mention it again, but I'll see if I can change up some of the others.
And yes, Monica is a spoooooky mystery! ;)
I can see how the bit about the monster hunting is a bit cheesy, though I didn't originally intend it to come through like that. I'll try to follow your suggestions!
And wow, you got most of the characters pretty spot on for only (I'm assuming?) reading one chapter. But I'm glad you liked it! :)




Daddy Long Legs are more closely related to crabs than spiders and somehow the idea of crablike creatures with spider legs that have escaped the entrappings of the primordial sea and now crawl over land and can walk up and down walls and ceilings creeps me more than I can adequately describe.
— Snoink