Hiya, Querencia. Pan back for another critique. Same drill as usual; comments as I go along and small grammatical suggestions in blue.
The four of them in the car - Mia, Monica, Finnley, and Uncle Fred - were racing the impossible
In the backseat, Monica had gone hard as steel with determination
How so? What's she actually doing to show her determination?
"Ever since your grandfather died, see, I've been studying in the forest, studying our history, tracking down and hunting what creatures I could," he started, speaking mostly to Mia,but about things that concerned them all.
No need to tell us that. From the dialogue alone, we can tell that this concerns them all.
She was different from Mia, however, who was leaning forward in her seat with an almost hungry look in her eye.
Just one eye. The other eye isn't hungry at all. It ate a bit of pizza earlier.
"I go out into the forest," Fred explained, glancing over his shoulder at Monica and Finnley in the back, "and I set out traps. Some go for human scents, and I would cover up mine as best I could and put some sweat covered smelly clothes in a clearing and watch and wait. I do all sorts of things like that, with little drops of blood or specific foods and other such things. I don't catch them all, and I certainly don't kill them all, but I'm able to observe a bit and catalogue them.
"For the demon, it was the same process. When it came down into the clearing, I was able to temporarily bind it into a small jar I had on hand. I had looked into some ancient spells, and I wasn't entirely sure they would work, but the books I was reading claimed that the demon would be able to fit in whatever container you bound it in and would not be able to come out unless someone let it out."
This is cool. You do a great job at summarising it and making it feel like a natural explanation - it doesn't come across like an info-dump or anything, and it does a lot to flesh out the ins and outs of how magic and monsters work in this world.
"I think we'd be able to go faster on pavement-" Finnley began, but cut himself off when he caught sight of the speedometer. "I guess it is a shortcut, if you drive that fast," he murmured to himself.
Hah. Still worried about road safety even when there's a demon on the loose.
His vision went black for a moment, and when it came back, Monica was leaning towards him, seeing if he was alright. Finnley almost cried out, for she was as white as a ghost. She wasn't pale, she was just... white. As if all the color had been sucked out of her, as if the essence of Monica had disappeared. He blinked rapidly and shook his head, then it was gone. Everything was back to normal.
Okay, that is weird. What the heck is up with Monica? I'm beginning to wonder if she's some kind of ghost.
I feel like you are being a bit heavy with the hints when it comes to Monica's oddities. I don't know what is going on with her, but I feel like the eventual reveal would be much more surprising if you were less obvious about it now.
"No, Mia," Uncle Fred replied, equally softly but with a spark of something in his voice. "We're monster hunters."
*Carry On My Wayward Son plays in the distance*
Okay, so, general thoughts about the chapter. It's decent, but it feels like there's still quite a lot going on at once, so I can't really absorb things that easily. It's hard to get to know Fred's character when we're simultaneously adjusting to Mia's presence and dealing with the matter of the demon. The revelation that Mia's family is one of monster hunters is potentially interesting, but you're going to have to make sure you put an original spin on it, because it's a concept that does show up a lot in fiction - like in the aforementioned Supernatural, for example. At the moment, everything seems quite fit to type. Demons are classically evil predators, they hang about in forests, humans kill them. Apart from Mr Vaughn's shop, nothing in this story has really stood out to me as a unique magical concept yet.
Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to seeing what actually happens when they confront the demon. It'll be interesting to see how this tag team clubs together and fights as a group, and I do wonder when the truth about Monica is going to come to light. And how will Mia's family react when they find out that Uncle Fred has told her the truth? I have to assume her parents were never involved in the monster hunting themselves.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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