How Was Your Day? - Chapter 12.3

by Que

The darkness slid out fast as anything; it seemed to Finnley like an unfurling scroll, but by no means a pleasant one. It quickly unfolded into a gigantic winged beast, all tattered edges and sharp talons, and entirely colored black. It gave a mighty screech, and the trio below, even Mia, cowered at the sound, covering their ears with their hands.

It beat its wings in great strokes and took to the sky. It was a horror to watch, as the creature seemed to be entirely made from black smoke, coiling in a dark mass. Its eyes, when Finnley caught sight of them, were a flat, piercing white. It struck him to his soul and he couldn't look away. The same went for the rest of them; they only pulled out of their terrifying trance when a figure came up to the door.

"Uncle Fred!" Mia gasped, the first to break the spell and turn around. Monica and Finnley followed suit, staring at the man in the doorway, framed with yellow light from the house. He looked a great deal like Mia's father, though a little tougher around the edges. He had a look about him, like he came off gruff but was truly kind on the inside.

"Mia!" he replied, and anger flickered like a cracklings fire in his voice. "You let the demon out!" There were notes of panic in there, carefully controlled, but there. Finnley rubbed his own arms to keep down the goosebumps, though it didn't do much for the fear.

"Demon?" she said in a small voice, seeming to shrink before her uncle, an odd thing to see in someone so self confident. "Oh," she said after a moment, "oh. That was why you told us not to come in."

"Yes," her uncle replied, clearly exasperated. He ran a thick, calloused hand through his hair. "Did you think I wouldn't let my niece in out of some sort of spite?" Mia was about to answer, but he waved a hand. "No, no time for this now! I'm going to get my gun- we've got to hunt this beast down before it causes any more damage! Whoever drove that car out front, you need to either give me the keys or do exactly as I say." Uncle Fred darted into the house, grabbed a long gun which had been sitting right by the door, waiting for use, and slammed the door.

Finnley didn't think his mom would approve of this man of questionable sanity driving the car, related to Mia or not. Then again, she wouldn't approve of anything in this situation. He had to make his own decisions, like he already had in coming here in the first place. Finnley tossed the keys to Mia's uncle, who gave a nod of respect as he caught them. "Everyone in!"

No one dared to question this order, and so Finnley found himself in the backseat with Monica, exchanging worried glances with her while Mia sat in the passenger seat next to her uncle, who drove like it was his last day to live. Maybe it was. He sped around the treacherous mountain curves, not caring which Kane was rightfully his and which belonged to oncoming traffic. Finnley could only be grateful that there were no other cars on the road at this time of night.

Mia seemed more comfortable with the silence than any of them, and Monica looked incredibly concerned about the whole ordeal, so in the end it was Finnley who spoke up. He leaned forward in his seat to tap Uncle Fred on the shoulder. "Um, excuse me? We came here to find you, there have been some things happening in the forest. We've been looking everywhere for more information, but we think you know a lot more about it than we do. Is that true? Can you help us?"

Finnley watched Uncle Fred's thick brown eyebrows lift up in a bemused expression through the rearview mirror. "Seriously? You just let a demon out of my house and you still aren't sure if I know things about it? Look, just call me Fred. Or Uncle Fred if you like, I suppose. Anyway. This is just a tiny bit more important right now, but I'm sure we'll get to everything else in good time."

This left Finnley extremely dissatisfied, but he stayed quiet this time. He peered out the window and saw that they were driving directly into the other side of the forest, where the smoky demon could just barely be seen threading its way through the treetops. Pine trees lined the unlit road, and they were thick and menacing. In the front seat, Mia just shrugged, but she was very clearly excited about this supernatural hunt and the possibility of gaining more information, whereas Monica looked positively queasy.

Uncle Fred turned sharply down a dirt road and drove as far along it as possible. Finnley cling for dear life to the handle on the ceiling; the car ride was beginning to frighten him more than the demon. Gravel bits attacked the car from all sides, adding to the twisting feeling in Finnley's gut. They abruptly pulled over and all leaped out of the car at once. "Can you kill it with that gun?" Monica asked in a low, terrified whisper.

"If I hit it in the right spot," Uncle Fred murmured back, already fixing the winged demon in the sights of his gun. He took a shot at the creature where it was hovering just above the tree line, and it let out another earsplitting screech. It dove, only to reappear a moment later just out of range.

"Dang," Uncle Fred cursed, then froze when he saw the demon change course. The moonlight shone all around the creature, but did not illuminate the creature itself. It blocked out all the stars in its wake. Fred slowly backed towards the car. "Guys... we got trouble," he informed them.

"This wasn't trouble?" Finnley said, aghast, though he, too was already getting back in the car.

"It's out for revenge, see. And it's heading straight back to Mia's home," Fred declared grimly. 

Comments & reviews · 3
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Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review · Fri Feb 02, 2018 9:36 pm

Hi, Querencia! Pan back again for another review.

The darkness slid out fast as anything; it seemed to Finnley like an unfurling scroll, but by no means a pleasant one.


I feel like this line would be a lot more powerful if you just condensed it to one image: 'The darkness slid out like an unfurling scroll'. 'Fast as anything' is quite a weak comparison, and I don't really see how a scroll could be pleasant or unpleasant. The scroll image is great and can definitely hold the stage by itself.

It was a horror to watch, as the creature seemed to be entirely made from black smoke, coiling in a dark mass.


You shouldn't have to tell me it's a horror to watch. I should just be horrified.

He looked a great deal like Mia's father, though a little tougher around the edges. He had a look about him, like he came off gruff but was truly kind on the inside.


It feels unnatural to me that Finnley's attention would linger on Uncle Fred and how similar he looked to Mr Hart and his kindness on the inside when there's a SHADOW MONSTER flying around. He'd be a tad distracted - I doubt he'd register Uncle Fred's appearance until after the immediate threat had been dealt with.

"Yes," her uncle replied, clearly exasperated. He ran a thick, calloused hand through his hair. "Did you think I wouldn't let my niece in out of some sort of spite?"


This begs the question of why he didn't give her some kind of warning. Why didn't he call out to her and say 'You can't come in, but I want you to trust that it's for a very good reason'?

"Seriously? You just let a demon out of my house and you still aren't sure if I know things about it?


Uncle Sass. That's what I'm calling him from now on.

This left Finnley extremely dissatisfied, but he stayed quiet this time.


Once again, Finnley seems weirdly at ease with the whole situation. Like, it's not really the time to be asking about the forest, is it? I'd expect him to be asking about the demon, more than anything. Why was it in his house? Where's it gone? What damage could it do? I don't feel like the immediate shock of the demon is resonating with any of the characters enough, even though it's supposed to be horrifying.

Okay, that's all for specifics. This probably isn't the strongest chapter segment I've read from you, but, to be fair, it's probably one of the hardest to handle - character introductions coordinated with dramatic scenes are a real nightmare. I just feel like, as I mentioned, the emergence of the demon isn't very consistently pitched. At the beginning, it's supposed be really scary and horrible, but a few paragraphs later everyone seems pretty at ease with it. Nobody really freaks out. Your characters never seem to do that, which is one of the overall weaknesses of the novel for me.

I also found it a little difficult to picture the location of the demon throughout the chapter. I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be right overhead the whole time or whether it had flown off way into the distance, though you do pinpoint its location towards the end much more clearly, so it isn't a massive issue. The chapter could probably do with a bit more description all around, really. It felt a bit patchy.

Nevertheless, there are positives. I like the look of Uncle Sass. I'm wondering whether this is a specific demon he's targeted or whether he's just the weird local monster-hunter, going after whatever nasty creatures he can get his hands on. I kind of hope he's the latter; I think it would suit him. You certainly end the chapter on a dramatic note, as well! This puts Mia and Finnley in real danger of having their cover blown.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

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BluesClues
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"Dang," Uncle Fred cursed


Are you changing this later, or? Because I kind of love that hard-bitten Uncle Fred swears by saying "Dang."

I'd like to see more urgency when they get in the car. Once they climb in it's just "awkward silence followed by kind of dumb and out of place question and then a quaint swearword that isn't really a swearword" (even though I seriously loved that). It's fine if there's silence - if the demon doesn't make all these crazy noises and the tires aren't squealing, etc, I guess, but the silence currently just feels like the silence of being in the car when no one is talking and the radio's off. But the kids are all terrified! (Okay, yes, I KNOW you mentioned that Mia's clearly loving this, but...she's got to be a little scared, right?) Is the silence eerie? Thick with fear? Too quiet? Does the demon make any noise after all? Can they hear the whoosh of its wings? Are the tires squealing? (Uncle Fred is driving pretty crazily.)

And Finnley's question, good gosh. I know Uncle Fred basically says that to him, like "Are you kidding me right now?" but considering that they've let a demon out of the house, that Uncle Fred reacted immediately, and that they're now involved in a high-speed chase on hairpin mountain roads, with a gun...I mean, come on, Finn, I didn't think you were that dumb. Honestly. Beside the question itself, there's the fact that it really feels out of place. It seems like Finnley ought to be scared of the present situation/concerned about his mom's car. Plenty of time for dumb questions later.

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Thanks for the advice!! I know I've been focusing a lot more on what's going on than the mood, I'll have to add in more details. Uncle Fred might actually curse more violently, but I'm not one for cursing, so dang it shall remain. XD thanks!

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PrincessInk
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Hi Falc/Que (if you don't mind me calling you Que :p)!

So this is very, very bad news. I really love the idea that this ghost is heading toward Mia's home, because a)tension up! tension up! b) more characters involved. I can imagine Mia's parents being drawn in and needing to join hands with Uncle Fred again. This demon feels so evil *shudders*

I can easily imagine it'd be scary but I think you could add more fear and tension to the page. The emotions feel a little more distant than I'd have liked here. Some of the parts that especially highlight this frightening moment is like:

Pine trees lined the unlit road, and they were thick and menacing.


"Thick and menacing" does shift the description to really fit and develop the setting. I think your descriptions here are spot-on to darken the atmosphere, but I'm feeling as though I want to sense Finnley's fears. Maybe adding a stronger emotional and visceral response for Finnley could help. Such as having him quiver with fear, having him tense and ready-to-run-if-needed, or some inner monologue that shows he's scared. The pacing here could be a bit too fast to serve this purpose, but I imagine that the next scene must be the "climax" of this turn of events.

Monica seems the most scared of all of them and I'm intrigued, because I'm sensing that there is a bigger reason other than 'Eek! A monster just flew out of that house!'. Monica is a rather peculiar character and I do want to read more into your novel to really figure out who she is, what are her powers, etc.

I'll check out 13.1 later and see you there! :D

You can definitely call me Que! And I definitely agree that I need to put in some more emotion from Finnley, he's been kind of out of it. I'll definitely work on that!! And you may have some good insight. ;) Won't say any more than that... Thanks for the review! :)



Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.
— George Orwell, 1984