How Was Your Day? - Chaper 19.1

by Que

"You let one person into your shop and you invite the whole world in," Mr. Vaughn was grumbling.

Finnley had just walked in with his mom in tow, ready to seal the deal and become Mr. Vaughn's apprentice the moment his mother approved.

"Mom, this is Mr. Vaughn," Finnley said, clearing his throat. "Mr. Vaughn, this is my mom, Sophie Bale."

"It's a pleasure," Mr. Vaughn said. As Mrs. Bale turned to examine the antiques, however, Mr. Vaughn stepped over to Finnley. "You couldn't have just been one of those classic hero types whose parents abandoned you or died in a noble war? You couldn't be that neglected child whose parents wouldn't care if you wanted to do magic?"

"Nope," Finnley replied cheerfully. "I've got an average mom."

His mom turned around with an indignant look at that and Finnley clarified. "She's a great mom. She is definitely not neglecting me, and she cares enough to check out what her son's going to be doing. Besides, there are way more protective mothers out there." Finnley wondered for a moment - if his mom didn't have so much work all the time, would she be a full on helicopter parent? It was hard to remember what she had been like back before his dad had died.

"Neat store," Mrs. Bale said. "Tell me about the magic, though. Is it at all dangerous?"

"Yes, but it's hard to get to the danger point," Mr. Vaughn explained carefully. "There's a very clear line, and it actively has to be crossed. I'll make sure that we never even get close to that line."

"Hm," Finnley's mom replied. She meant for it to sound like she was suspicious of Mr. Vaughn, but Finnley could tell she was actually satisfied. "Right. And there are these creatures, these monsters in the forest. Could this magic help Finnley defend himself against them?"

"Yes, there are ways in which it could," Mr. Vaughn began. "I would not advise him to go looking for these creatures, as it would be easier for him to defend himself with magic than it would be for him to attack with magic. There are, however, many ways in which magic could be used as a defensive resource."

“Perfect,” Mrs. Bale said, and then she paused, like she couldn’t think of anything else to ask. “Could you... could you show me some sort of magic? Like right now?”

“Yes, I could.” He sounded a little irritated about it though. “What do you want to see? Classic levitation, I suppose?” His eyes landed on a fly that was buzzing around the room. “Ah. Now that would be a good demonstration.” He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and began to draw what honestly looked like a geometry problem to Finnley. Then he added in little words around the edges and handed the paper to Finnley. “Let me get some honey,” he said before clambering up the stairs.

Finnley exchanged glances with his mother, who merely shrugged, as if to say that he had been the one who wanted to do this. Mr. Vaughn came back with a small jar of honey and placed a single drop at the center of the piece of paper. The fly, lured by the honey, landed on the paper. Mr. Vaughn said a single word and almost instantly, the lines on the paper glowed blue and the figure that had been two dimensional rose from the flat surface to become a three dimensional cage around the fly.

Mrs. Bale and Finnley gasped in unison, and Mr. Vaughn chuckled. He tapped the outer edge of the cage and the glowing blue lines disappeared, sinking back into the paper. “You see, magic cannot be as dangerous as you think. Each spell must be linked to an object, to ground it in a way. Then, the magician must be present to activate that spell. The spell draws on the energy of the magician, and that’s about it.”

“When you put it that way, it almost sounds simple,” Mrs. Bale admitted. “Alright. I suppose it would be okay for you to train with Mr. Vaughnn, Finnley. Remember that you’re going to keep me updated, though, alright?”

“Of course,” Finnley replied. “Thanks, Mr. Vaughn, for letting my mom come in.”

“Ah, it’s no problem,” Mr. Vaughn replied kindly. “How is the ghost doing?”

Finnley’s brows pulled together. “Her name is Monica,” he said, a little too curtly. “And she’s gone, for now. Said that popping in and out for a whole day took a lot out of her, and she might not be back for a week.”

Mr. Vaughn nodded. “Make sure you remember why she’s here.”

“Right.”

Finnley pulled his mom out of the shop, where she turned to face him. “Monica’s a ghost?” She sharply inquired.

“Um, yes. Yes she is,” Finnley said uncomfortably.

Mrs. Bale looked like she was going to say something about how strange that was, and how he should’ve told her sooner. However, that expression cleared, and she simply said, “The poor dear. To have died that young must have been heartbreaking. You just tell her the next time you see her that she can come talk to me whenever she’d like.”

Surprised, Finnley looked up at his mother. She just smiled at him and tucked him close to her. “I’d better be getting back to work, though that break isn’t nearly as long as I’d like it to be,” she said as they got in the car. “If you want, I can drop you off at the hospital so you can visit Mia and her family.”

“That would be great,” Finnley said, relieved. He buckled his seatbelt and patted the side of the car, glad that it was still okay after the adventures that it had gone through. His mom hopped in on the other side and started the car, turning off the radio in favor of a CD. It was his mother’s favorite, and Finnley could still remember when Allie had once tried to teach him how to dance to those slow, sappy songs that Finnley had hated at the time. Oddly enough, he didn’t really mind them now. He watched as the years seemed to slip from his mother’s face as she hummed along to the old songs, and he quietly smiled. He missed this version of his mom.  

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Panikos
Review

Hi, Querencia. Just dropping in again.

"You couldn't have just been one of those classic hero types whose parents abandoned you or died in a noble war? You couldn't be that neglected child whose parents wouldn't care if you wanted to do magic?"

"Nope," Finnley replied cheerfully. "I've got an average mom."


Ha, I love how this flies in the face of what we usually come to expect in teen fantasy. There's something so funny about the fact that Finnley, when asked whether he wanted to learn magic, was just like 'well, let me ask my mom first'.

This comment does lean pretty hard on the fourth wall, though. I almost feel like you should cut the 'classic hero', because I don't feel like Mr Vaughn would go so far to call Finnley a hero - it's not like this kid is the chosen one, so far as we know. It just feels like it's pandering to the audience's knowledge that he's the protagonist. If he just said 'you couldn't have just been one of those types...' I think the comment would have the same humour while being just on the right side of realistic. Not a massive issue, though.

It was hard to remember what she had been like back before his dad had died.


Woah, his dad is dead as well?? When did we find that out? Poor old Finnley really has been through the mill. How on earth is this kid so chipper?

In all seriousness, I feel like I should have definitely been aware of this already. Maybe I missed something somewhere, but it sort of feels like the kind of thing it shouldn't be possible to miss, y'know?

“You see, magic cannot be as dangerous as you think. Each spell must be linked to an object, to ground it in a way. Then, the magician must be present to activate that spell. The spell draws on the energy of the magician, and that’s about it.”


Yess, some mechanics. I like that you're keeping the parameters quite simple (convoluted magic systems with wobbly boundaries are no fun) but I hope this still gives you plenty of scope to explore the ins and outs of the system and make it unique. I like the thing about Mr Vaugn drawing a geometry pattern - it'd cool if that was a common component of most spells. I'm just imagining apprentice Finnley sitting at his desk, tearing his hair out and wasting half the pages in a notebook because he can't get the dang pattern to work. It'd be awesome if you made magic feel sort of sciencey or mathsy or otherwise less-than-glamorous at times.

“When you put it that way, it almost sounds simple,” Mrs. Bale admitted. “Alright. I suppose it would be okay for you to train with Mr. Vaughnn, Finnley. Remember that you’re going to keep me updated, though, alright?”


Okay, she's a Cool Mom, but she's a bit too cool here. She's not fazed by the magic at all, which just seems weird to me, especially considering she's never encountered it before. I can just about accept Finnley's muted reaction because he's seen much stranger stuff, but Mrs Bale is a complete newbie to the concept so I'd expect her to be a bit freaked.

“Monica’s a ghost?” she sharply inquired.


“The poor dear. To have died that young must have been heartbreaking. You just tell her the next time you see her that she can come talk to me whenever she’d like.”


Again, she's so calm. I can imagine Mrs Bale being the type to take things on the chin, but I think this should haunt her more than it does. Would she not have a moment where she just thought the world had turned upside down? She's gone from thinking there's no such thing as magic to finding monsters and demons in one corner, a magician with a moving shop in another, and now a ghost in another. Would she not be shaken that she could've lived so long without seeing this whole other side to the world?

That's basically all from this chapter. Still enjoyable, but my critiques are the usual suspects - making the reactions realistic and ensuring that the reader is aware of what should be crucial aspects of Finnley's past.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

User avatar
JoeBookman
Review

Hi, I'm Joe.

When I read the title of this work, I instantly heard my mom say it in the back of my head. I wasn't sure what I was expecting when I clicked it. It wasn't this, but I was happily surprised.

"You let one person into your shop and you invite the whole world in,"


That is a great quote to start a chapter with. Grumbly old man characters are some of the best. A minor suggestion would be to change "was grumbling" to "grumbled". Even though both are past tense, "grumbled" is an active verb while "grumbling" is passive. I'm not usually one to linger on nitpicks but as a first line I felt it was important to point out.

So rarely do main characters have living, loving parents that to actually meet a protagonist's mother is refreshing. Is she featured in other chapters, too? I may need to start reading more of these.

The magic scene was brilliantly creative. The image of a paper rose cage is just beautiful in my mind.

I did feel like his mother underreacted in a lot of ways, however, especially to the revelation that one of his friends is a ghost. Perhaps that's part of her character and something I'd understand better if I've read the entire work from start to end, but as a new reader it feels a bit unnatural.

That being said, I love your storytelling voice. It's light-hearted, humorous, fun, but there's mystery here too. I have a lot of questions and I'm left here curious how this is going to move forward. A magician's apprentice but in a modern world is a cool concept and one I just might have to follow up on.

Great work here. Keep writing.

User avatar
BluesClues
Review

Mrs. Bale looked like she was going to say something about how strange that was, and how he should’ve told her sooner. However, that expression cleared, and she simply said, “The poor dear. To have died that young must have been heartbreaking. You just tell her the next time you see her that she can come talk to me whenever she’d like.”


Mrs. Bale is bae. Omg she's my favorite in this chapter. Obviously I've liked her anyway and I want her to be happy, but wow, this chapter. I do love how you've got kind of the thing I've got going on in my story, where you take a common trope (teenage hero) and twist it (parent alive and not only neglectful but actively involved in what's going on).

P.S. This line was great but also kind of sad because she had a child die that young herself, so I feel like she understands what Monica is going through but from the other end of it? Which p.s. begs the question: how long ago did Monica die, and are her parents still alive, and is she going to ask Mrs. Bale to talk to them mom-to-mom one of these days, and when it happens am I going to crumple into a ball of feels?

(Answer to that last question: yes.)

I feel like it might be weird to some readers that she reacts so little, but considering she's already found out about the monsters/demons/stuff like that I think it's nice to see her rolling with the punches at this point, like, "A ghost??? Well...then again...I mean, now I know that demons and monsters exist and also magic, so I guess actually a ghost isn't really that far-fetched. Poor dear..."

Honestly the ghost thing made me think strongly of Edna and I feel like Mrs. Bale is going to basically be Edna someday, when she's much, much older.

The only other comment I have on this chapter was that it was funny to see Mr. Vaughn behaving like a grumpy old man, because that's not really a sense I've gotten from him prior to this. I don't mind it, and obviously he's become a bit concerned about Monica hanging around anyway, but it was just a new facet for me. It may be something to keep in mind when you eventually revise, just because it might otherwise come across as a bit jarring for people who are used to thinking of him as more of a Mr. Ollivander type.

Image

Thanks for th review!
(did you ever see that drawing of Mrs. Bale I did for Inktober?)
There will probably be a Monica to Mrs. Bale thing, but I hadn%u2019t thought of a mom-to-mom thing before? There probably will be one now. XD And I kind of do hope that Mrs. Bale will be Edna one day haha. I didn%u2019t see that at the time, but now I see how much it%u2019s like Edna!
Yeah, I didn%u2019t really intend for Mr. Vaughn to be grumpy, he%u2019s sort of like fake grumpy? But you%u2019re right about that. I just kind of wanted him to be like, %u201Cugh kids these days, with parents that actually care what suspicious stuff their children might be up to%u201D.
Thanks again for your loyal reading! <3

I hadn't thought of a mom-to-mom thing before? There probably will be one now.


Honestly this is probably one of the coolest things about doing LMS. Like I have things that I hadn't thought of or that might not have happened in the story or where I had several different directions to go and wasn't sure which one to take...but then the readers had ideas or suggestions or something and influenced the story. Which probably isn't always ideal, but it's kind of neat that because we're writing and posting the first draft weekly the readers sometimes affect which way the story goes.



What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
— Albert Pines