Time echoes throughout life
A constant movement in
The quiet of the night
Softly flowing on
Leaving you
Behind
And
Never
A thought
Of the people
It betrays so easily
Silently rushing forward
While we lie in ignorance
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140,693 Literary Works • 673,625 Reviews
Hello, QueenofWords!
I really enjoy this. You incorporate so many things. Nice things.
I love the form, first of all. The hourglass shape conveys time in its very essence, physically.
The juxtaposition of moods between the two halves of the hourglass is nice as well. The top is quiet and nice, until it gets to just above the narrowest point, where sand might be. Sand is heavier than air, and the bottom half of the poem is heavier than the top, speaking of the inevitable betrayal of time. I'm not sure if the similarities between sand and the heaviness of the bottom half of your poem were intentional, but I like it.
The only complaint I have is the line break at the end of the second line. I understand that it is essential to the form to end with that amount of characters, but in is such a weak word to end a line on. If you could rephrase it easily and keep the form, I would do that.
I wonder if you could make this read forwards and backwards. This would increase the feeling of the hourglass, as you are able to flip it again and again. But that's just a thought if you wanted to experiment more with this poem.
Altogether, you've done a nice job. Happy YWSing!
Actually, no, I didn't realize that connection between sand and the weight of the message. And I love your idea of making it flippable! I'll play around with it and see if I can make that happen. Thanks so much!
Hi! Donizback here for a quick review. Queen of words! That's a really cool username. haha
Are you ready? Let's gooooo.
That's a good one! Actually, I kind of like poetry so I liked the way you wrote it. Let's break it down into 1) title, 2) actual poem, 3) structure, and 4) how it overall stands.
1) Title - Time!? Of what? I am sorry but it wasn't really a good title. I mean, it just didn't attract me to read it. Well, how did I open it then? I wanted to review something
Well, just an opinion, try to attract the readers with the title of your poem. It will really help you, believe me, and it will surely make this piece go to literally spotlight. It is really good!
2) Poem, itself! - Short? Too short! But still, the way you wrote it suited your poem. The idea was really good. But wait! Why did you avoid using any punctuation at all? That was one weird thing about a poem. I suppose the punctuation really make it easy to write and, even, read a poem!
3)Structure - That is the best and my favorite part of your poem. The structure! Just too unique and amazing. I could never even imagine writing a poem like this. This was really very good. You are awesome!
4) Overall - Superb! I loved it. Just that I would love to see the use of punctuation. Just an example of how things can go wrong without the use of punctuation:
Spoiler
Keep writing. You are really good at it.
Thank you for the review! Normally I do use punctuation in poetry, but this time it was messing up the shape so I left it out. Also, lack of punctuation can often be one of the key elements of poetry. Not the case here, but (fun fact time) in many poems the lack or inconsistent use of grammar can add a lot of significant meaning to the poem.
I love this, especially the formatting. It flows really well, too. I don't really have any critiques on content, so I'll just make a couple suggestions about flow and stuff. Take it all with a grain of salt, these are just my opinions anyway.
You might want to consider adding some punctuation here and there. It's not absolutely necessary, but I think it might help to emphasize certain parts. The main places I can think of right now is a period (or comma) at the end of the first line and the 11th, and maybe a period at the end of the poem.
I'd take out the 'A' in the second line. You also might want to change 'throughout' to through in the first line, as it seems a little, but it could mess up your formatting, so you don't have to.
One last thing - I think 'with' reads better than 'and' in the middle.
Anyway, just some thoughts. Hope I helped, and thanks for the great read!