Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
sweat pools where my fingers grip the notebook,
the sun pulses behind my eyes with my racing heart,
and you drive away from me, at night, through Wyoming,
wind rushing by, 80 miles per hour.
you have never seen a road
like this.
a tumbleweed darts between your tires, a milk carton
sticks in the undercarriage, a hunk of flesh
lies just on the other side of the
dotted line.
it’s then that you notice,
just occasionally, on the road,
the pools of blood, deer blood, you see
the eyes lining up on the shoulder, alien gleams
caught by the edge of your beams,
caught by the corner of your own eye when you check
the rearview mirror, your face is as white
as the sheet of paper I scribble, scratch at
burning in the spotlight, eyes on my back, on my neck
crawling with anxiety, the cameras lined up
where I should probably be, my face, my fingertips
caught in every frame.
the crowd keeps its distance but the faces
blur together, my brain fogging over, frozen—
someone lead me away from the oncoming traffic
but no one comes and all I know is blind panic,
blind –
the headlights shine in my eyes now,
casting me in silver, unmoving.
I am the deer in the road,
the inevitable,
the unknown.
when the high beams strike
my tawny pelt, your eyes on me—
brakes squeal. hooves flee.
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139,028 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
Hi que! This is a review for the in depth poetry review event
overall themes
I love how this poem explores themes of anxiety , and the deer metaphor is so perfect for it. I feel like there are themes of alienation in here too, with these lines,
and this part,
The imagery is violent in some places. The descriptions of the deer blood are very evocative. I absolutely love your depiction of anxiety. The whole poem is leading up to that twist where the narrator says,
I love love love these lines. This is the moment of realisation, and it’s a sharp contrast to the rest of the poem, which feels passive and like the narrator themselves are removed from the narration. Like they know but are not really present in the moment, or grounded in the moment. I love how they suddenly become aware here.
stanza by stanza feedback
The first stanza immediately pulls me in with the solid details, and wonderfully starts describing the anxiety. I wish I knew more about the “you” though. Who are they to the narrator? Why have they been chosen to be the driver of the car which shines the headlights on the deer?
There’s this feeling of unease and disquiet here which I adore!!! This line is so simple and yet it says so much.
At the start of the stanza, there’s something careless about how the narrator talks about the “tumbleweed” and “milk carton” and “hunk of flesh” That changes with the mention of the “deer blood” There’s something horrifying and unsettling about these descriptions. I love how you talk about “noticing” the deer blood. It’s like the poem unfolds slowly, giving just the right amount of information. There are things you leave unsaid which add to the impact of it.
I ADORE how you bring the back the notebook image, and how it connects with the previous stanza. This is just so flawless. The deer metaphor is consistent here too with the mentions of “oncoming traffic” and “headlights” I do feel like this stanza has less solid details than the rest of the poem though. It’s a very accurate depiction of anxiety (I feel understood lol)
I think I already mentioned how much I love the twist in this
I like how you’re finishing up the poem with these short stanzas. Like a drumroll or something. They seem to be leading up to a gut punching finish. The hyphen at the end of this stanza is a great choice, it adds to the suspense.
I love the entire poem, and this ending is good too. But I feel like it could still be something more. As the reader, I’m still not satisfied at this. I need something groundbreaking, a heavy revelation.
overall
I love the message of this whole poem. The deer metaphor is explored wonderfully and i gasped at every single line.
I’m going to go find your NaPo threads now, bye
hi que! this review is brought to you by the in-depth poetry review event :3 let's dive right into it.
theme :]
you are very consistent thematically, which i personally love. you use these beautiful descriptive driving/animal images and themes throughout this poem, and it never ceases to amaze me. there's an almost breathiness in the way you write and describe these stunning, evocative scenes. normally, it would be weird to have this incosistent line sizing, but it works so well for you. it makes this sense of weariness, and i love it.
striking lines :]
let me preface this section by saying that it was SO hard to pick out some of my favorites from this poem, because every line left me floored, crying, and literally gasping.
here are my top three (3):
there's something so beautiful about this opening. you make this set-up that makes it feel like a very different kind of poem, but then you twist it with the following stanza- it makes me feel like i'm in the car, feeling the wind and looking at the road as it blurs by.
there's this almost uneasiness laced throughout this poem and this line just hits home for me. there's this sense of how animals have to almost coexist with cars & our constant industrialization, but also an otherworldly sense too (alien is such a great word in this context.) and it's such a raw feeling that you put into this.
this is such a perfect ending to this- it sums up that breathy raw feeling i was talking about earlier but also puts in the driving and animal images. it's such a beautiful way to end this absoulte jaw-dropper of a poem. you have such a way with words.
critiques/nitpicks :]
a couple things to go here:
1) in stanza four, you use a camera image, and i almost wish it reoccured later or tied in with it again. it's a beautiful image, but there's no pair to it.
2) there are some rhymes in this, and i almost wish that there were more? or at least some pairs, because it's interesting to see the rhymes littered in almost sporadically.
of course, you can give and take any of these critiques :3
overall :]
i can't think of a thing to say that i haven't said already. you have this very unique way of writing that i love. the imagery you use and the way you lace each stanza with an almost unsettled feeling is just perfect. this is a certified jaw-dropper.
~century
que! is it like q or kay !?
alright anyway i took the bait, i figured i'd come back and review. i can't believe this is still in the green room tbh, poetry usually goes super fast.
i've loved following along with your napo threads, but i think this is the first time i've read a poem from you outside of that; it's stunning, as always. your voice is so visceral and alive, and it's especially prominent here. there's so much space, so much emptiness, but it never feels like too much. it’s like a road that never ends, which is fitting considering the contents of the poem. i feel lost, yet somehow at home.
this shift here is so sharp and sudden, but it feels like it breaks up the flow in the best way. the whole scene of the deer, the blood, the alien gleams is masterful. it’s like you’ve made this road into a place where reality slips away; the details are so tangible yet eerie. it's like an uncomfortable reality? something that you don't like, but something that is also inescapable. that's powerful.
oh this whole stanza is so clever, but i love this line especially!
it’s so unnerving. every motif is something that you can’t quite see but know is there; like something terrible is just waiting for you to notice it. i love the shift in the narrator’s perspective afterwards too. the way you blend the anxiety of being watched and the discomfort of being in the spotlight with fear of the unknown feels like you’re stepping out of one panic and into another. the way the two fears mirror each other is so brilliant! and real, it's realistic. it's extremely enthralling in that way.
this line is really evocative, but it feels too vague compared to the rest of the poem’s concrete imagery. you mention being watched by the cameras, but i think you could give more specific details to truly put us in that position. this is the perfect time to drive that anxiety home and pack a punch. give us more of those sensory details that make us feel trapped with you. i'd rather too much imagery than not enough.
i think this happens a few times if i'm honest. you have powerful metaphors, but i think they could all be developed further. deer. why this metaphor? i love deer poetry, but i can't feel the vulnerability that the deer is supposed to represent. it's probably to symbolize that "caught in the headlights" feeling, sure, but i wish it felt more personal to You. instead of trying to include so many ideas at once, cameras and headlights and whatever, just focus on the deer motif. it's like the entire theme, right?
like i said though, i love deer poetry. love love love! there's a feeling of inevitability and even purity that comes with it, and it's so beautiful to me!
towards the end, i feel like that's the true show of your voice. there’s something so haunting about this stanza in particular to me. it’s like everything is leading up to that moment of collision, and i feel trapped in that same blinding light; absolutely gorgeous. you have such a control over your words and it's honestly something to be envious of! everything is so vivid, and this stanza is exactly how you close something like this. again, gorgeous. i can't stop saying that tbh.
i'm struggling to find better words, but i loved this! i really did. this review is probably just me rambling, but i hope it helped you in some way.
best,
chi
Hai :3
This is so vivid and haunting!! I felt every bit of that tension in the air!! You totally nailed the atmosphere with the sweating fingers and the sun pulsing behind your eyes. The contrast between the anxiety of the narrator scribbling in the notebook and the unsettling calm of the road in Wyoming is so neat ~~ Like, "you have never seen a road like this" hits so hard because it’s such a simple statement but packed with this eerie unfamiliarity. It’s like I'm there on the road with the narrator.
I could picture every gruesome detail without it feeling over-the-top. That part about the blood pooling with "deer blood" makes it feel like the whole environment is this hostile, almost otherworldly space. And the way you tie it back to the human side of it, "as white as the sheet of paper I scribble on," is sososo good!! There’s this shift from the wide-open, natural world to the tight, suffocating, human panic, and I felt it. I feel it deeply like I'm right there on the road too, as I've said.
There’s this build-up of dread throughout the poem that’s so intense but in this quiet, creeping way. It's not like an outright scream; it’s like you’re slowly suffocating and then BAM, the deer in the road!! That's realistic, but poetic.
Yesss, this is it !!!
The metaphor is so strong, like the speaker is this vulnerable creature caught in the headlights of fate or life or anxiety, maybe all three. The deer imagery is such a powerful way to convey helplessness and inevitability. The cameras and the spotlight add to this too. It made me feel like the narrator was almost trapped in some kind of performance or maybe even their own thoughts, with everyone watching them in a way that feels suffocating. It's great use of juxtaposition!!
I am also crazy for the contrast between the physical and the emotional, the inner turmoil ~~ Like the sweat, the road, the blood. There’s this wild balance of real and surreal that you’ve put together and it works perfectly. And can we talk about how cinematic this is?! Like, I could see this as a scene in a movie, the way it unfolds visually in my mind. That's hard for me when I usually read poetry!!
I adore the deer metaphor (like, so good), but the line "brakes squeal. hooves flee." could be developed more. It's such an intense, dramatic moment and you end on these really short, clipped sentences. Maybe that’s intentional to give a jarring feel, but it left me wanting more!! It doesn't come across as the final line to me, more just something for filler. I wish it was expanded on!!
You're an amazing poet!! This is truly something to be proud of!! ^_^
- Payton
que, this is absolutely stunning
<33 Aw, thank you friend! I appreciate you taking the time to read.