coast of Southern Chile

Coast of Southern Chile

The earth rumbles and cracks beneath my feet
[s]Then[/s] A thrusting force knocks me to the ground
A tremendous quake I cannot defeat
No escape; the monster is all around

It stops for a moment.
Is it all done?
Some of the people are injured and hurt
And in a second, the rumblings begun I'm not sure "begun" is used correctly.
How many lives will be lost in the dirt?

I run past some buildings to free myself
When all of a sudden I hear a cry
I find a child on stony shelf
I comfort the young, wondering if we’ll die

The voice of victims echo all around
People cry for the ones they have lost
But after the shock there is not a sound
We have drowned in our world that’s been tossed This line seems weak to me. Just the wording, a world that's been tossed? It doesn't seem adequate.

Our roots have been torn, our hearts inflamed
We dread to count the souls it’s claimed.

OVERALL: Wonderful ending. Those last two lines are particularly powerful. Most of this is just adding commas to help the flow and adjusting words that don't fit in. Your rhyming and rhythm is pretty good, and it is easy to read this.

Also: maybe you would attract more readers if you changed the title to something more attractive. Now, I don't have any ideas, because it is your poem, but the "coast of Southern Chile" just doesn't do it.

Great work This was very impressive for a first work. (I wish mine had been this good.)

PM me if you have any questions.

~Sunny

The earth rumbles and cracks beneath my feet

Then a thrusting force knocks me to the ground

A tremendous quake I cannot defeat

No escape the monster is all around

Very nice... Imagery, thy name is Q_DJ

Some of the people are injured and hurt

Some, try changing it to most, or all.

And in a second, the rumblings begun

you switch from present tense to past tense here... I know it fits in perfectly, but it just stands out as being a mistake.

I comfort the young wondering if we’ll die

perhaps, you should change this to: I comfort the young knowing he'll die
I think that he's trapped under a stone block or something, so you try to make his last time on earth happy... this makes more sense to me than what you've put here.I'm not sure if that's what you mean though!

We have drowned in our world that’s been tossed

I think this would sound better as: We have all drowned in our world that’s been tossed

Our roots have been torn, our hearts inflamed

We dread to count the souls it’s claimed

Wonderful ending! I think that this is great for a first submission. Keep it up, looking forward to seeing you in the fiction section.

*gives gold star*