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Dunking thoughts

by Purplehaze420

Now that I finished the bottle, Now that I have finished the bowl, Now that I have finished the line, all I have left is you. You face, like smell, you taste. All I have left is the thought of you next to me. How long to I have to wait to see you again? How long do I have before I can smell your beautiful cologne again? There's nothing more that I want than to hold you in my arms again. Now that I'm sober, Now that I have no more mind altering substances, all I have is you. Won't you keep your phone on, won't you realize you are all I want, won't you realize you are all I need, won't you realize I have loved you since day one. 

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34 Reviews

Points: 439
Reviews: 34

Wed Mar 23, 2016 1:30 pm
JediDeadpool wrote a review...

After reading this I'm kind of torn.
The emotions conveyed by this piece are very beautiful, if a little sad.
I have met thousands of people who know that one girl they always have wanted, but can't have.
That being said the way you conveyed this almost turned me off to this piece. Except for the fact it seemed appropriate to the selection to write it like that, it's very disjointed and choppy.
The piece also moves me to help the writer to get on a life path that the girl might actually accept him, or a path where he gets of the substances so he can remember the girl long enough to pursue her.

Anyways, this is a decent first piece, and I'd like to see what else you'll write!

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742 Reviews

Points: 11158
Reviews: 742

Tue Mar 01, 2016 3:21 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...

Hey there Purplehaze420. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

1. I misread your title as "Drunking Thoughts" and wondered if that was a typo. I am still looking at your piece and wondering if the title is a typo for a couple of reasons. One, whenever I think dunking I think of dunking a cookie in milk or a basketball through a hoop. I tried to apply all meanings to your title but none of them seemed to fit. That's when I switched back to "Drunking Thoughts" because the main character talks of finishing a bottle. I took this to mean alcohol rather than root beer. If you were trying to type drunking did you mean drunken and it was just a misspelled word.

2. Throughout your story, you start capital letters halfway through a sentence, which I am guessing was for emphasis on the thought, but it bothers me nonetheless. I have a couple of solutions for this frequent problem and I think the first one would be your best option.
-Instead of capitalizing Words halfway Through a Sentence, why not try putting them in bold. It is pretty easy to set up the BBCode for this or once you are in the publishing center there is an icon on the bar. [b ][/b ]
-Or you could always take the caps off but you would lose the emphasis. I would personally use bold instead.

3. There is also the issue of using the same word repeatedly in the same sentence such as your last sentence.

Won't you keep your phone on, won't you realize you are all I want, won't you realize you are all I need, won't you realize I have loved you since day one.

Again I see it is for emphasis, but unless you point out that the repetition is for emphasis it becomes annoying. Here again I would use bold or maybe a different color.

4. Sorry for such a quick review but this was a quick piece. Though I did not enjoy you story it was my pleasure to review. If you have any questions just ask. Welcome to YWS and enjoy your stay.

The greatest part of a writer’s time is spent in reading, in order to write; a man will turn over half a library to make one book.
— Samuel Johnson