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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I like how you managed this piece, even if you didn't go full out e. e. cummings and only capitalized the I's. That sort of bothered me a bit, but I suppose that was a stylistic choice, no?
Anyway, the only real concrit I can give other than that is that the last two lines make almost no sense to me. I'm reading, enjoying the flow and the smooth dance of the words, and then my breaks shriek and I'm like, "Wait. Wait. No. What is happening here?" Um. That's basically all I have. Feelings.
But then again, this is poetry, not Sparta, and feelings are important.
Hope that helps!
-Cas
Hi Purple and welcome to YWS! Overall, I really like this piece. It has some beautiful imagery and the rhyme scheme works really well. As Starleene already discussed, the lack of punctuation and capitalization seems odd, especially since the format is pretty conventional.
I don't like the word "beautifully" so close to "softly". I might consider replacing it with a more powerful adjective.
Something seems missing between the second and third stanzas. Right now the piece has setup in the first two stanzas and resolution in the last two. Perhaps you could put in a third stanza expanding upon the conflict more, or what happens before they decide to separate
To end on a good note, I love both the first and last stanza. Overall, I really liked this, just have a few suggestions. Good job and keep writing!
Hey there again!
Starleene here!
I’m so excited to read another one of your works! Yay!
“we stand together
smoke billowing from your mouth
the grey air speaks the words
that we can't say right now”
First off, I just want to say, I love that you split your work into stanzas! Capitalization girlie, don’t forget to capitalize new sentences. Also, I notice a lack of punctuation in your stanzas; it makes it a little difficult to read. With that said, there should be a semi colon after “mouth”.
“the rain is softly drizzling
from the beautifully damp night sky
I can't seem to fix this
but I'm not sure that I should try”
Alright, this is a beautiful depiction of a rainy night but like I said, you’re missing a good amount of punctuation. Capitalize the (t) in “the.” Period after “sky.”
“you give me a sweet smile
that really makes me laugh
then you give me a big hug
and we walk our separate paths”
I don’t think I need to say it but the (Y) in “you” should be capitalized and also a period after “laugh” would be nice. After that, you can capitalize the (t) in “then.”
“you go left and I go right
because my dream is to dance
but baby if you ever miss me
you know right where I am”
Capitalize the (Y) in “you” and add a period after dance. The next line is really good but I think that if you take out the “but”, capitalize the (B) in “baby”, and finally add a comma after “me,” then you can have a superb line.
All in all, I really enjoyed this! It was a beautiful story! Like I said, all you really need to brush up on is your punctuation! If you do that, then your work would be marvelous.
Until next time,
Good Luck! Happy Writing!
Starleene Out.