Woah, I've been reading through some stories that I've missed because they left the green room quickly, and I really wish I read this one sooner. Realistic short stories aren't usually my forte, but this one is done really well! I adore the themes of death and alienation from family and the slight sprinklings of guilt; you've really driven them all home. Even though you've already got two, I'm going to leave a review, for Revmo.
Compliments:
Okay, I know I spent my introduction gushing over the fact that I like this, but it really does deserve some praise! Your star quality is probably in your descriptions, be it physical or otherwise. You have a lovely, borderline-flowery vocabulary that paints artistic pictures in a reader's mind. This is probably what makes the story hit me so hard.
Your other skill is in your use of emotions. I adore the concept of a character not feeling as saddened by a death, and actually feeling guilty for that apathy. It makes for a wonderful spectrum of feeling, and you've utilised it really well. Combined with your lovely descriptions, the thoughts presented here really planted themselves in my own head, until I was feeling what the character was feeling!
Criticism:
Although your descriptions and emotional usage is wonderful, the things in between could use some work. It feels as if you haven't put as much effort into the simple things; the things that don't use as much artistic expression. The problem even carries on to the point where some of your paragraphs are in very awkward places, and sentences worded very jarringly. You should make an effort to develop this filler into something more interesting, both for you to write and for a reader to read. Right now, you tend to just tell us a list of events or journeys -- but it's always better to show, not tell! Focusing on the character's thoughts in these moments (which you have actually done, so good job) could also help!
Thanks for posting your work
Points: 12053
Reviews: 98
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