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E - Everyone

Chapter #3

by PrymRose


Three days have passed. I have been trying to ration my food as best as possible, but I didn’t have much to begin with, so I begin my scavenge. I can’t convince myself to steal any food, at least not yet, my mind will most likely change when I am really out of food, but for now, I search through a nice cafe’s bins. I find a half eaten sandwich, that I decide to save it for later when I start to get really desperate.

By this time it is already mid-day, and I decide to start looking for a new place to spend the night. I am wearing a tuke that I found in an old cubby at the orphanage, to help me blend in, but it doesn’t seem to be doing its job as well as I had hoped.

A man comes up to me with a wrinkled flyer featuring two people that look familiar,

“Know who these people are little girl?” He says in a raspy voice.

“No sir, I have no idea,” I say, trying my best to keep a calm voice.

“No? Because you look like a spitting image of these two,” people are starting to stare now “there’s big prize money for the person that finds you.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I do my best to seem innocent.

“You don’t? Because I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if it turns out these are your parents?” Ok, now everyone is looking, I don’t know what else to do, so I run. I run, and run, and run, but it’s no use, they're still hot on my trail, maybe give it time, I can run at this pace for a while, they will most likely get tired.

I can’t help but think about what that man said. “There’s big prize money for the person that finds you,” what prize? Money? I don’t have much time to dwell on the thought though, because apparently these people know the streets better than I do. It seems they have found a shortcut through an alleyway, and they are now on either side of me, I’m trapped, and that’s not the worst of it, they all seem to have some sort of weapon. It seems that the big man that talked to me earlier is the one in charge, holding a giant knife in his hand. I try to climb the wall next to me, no use, a woman drags me back down and I slam against the ground. I am aching all over, but as I think the pain can’t get any worse, the man with the big knife slices a giant knife through my right thigh. I’m ready to die, I’m already blacking out, I don’t know if I will ever wake up, but then I hear a voice, it’s a boy, all I make out is, “Hey! Why don’t you try picking on someone your own size?” before I black out.

I open my eyes slowly. I am in an alley, and it seems about supper time, the sun is starting to go down. Then I remember everything that had happened, and my leg… I try to muster all of my courage, and peer down at it, to my surprise, it’s bandaged, and clean. And at that moment I remember the voice I’d heard right before I went unconscious.

“You’re awake,” says a voice in the corner of the alley. “‘Was starting to think you would never get up.” He doesn’t have a British accent, American is it?

I try sitting up, and a fresh wave of pain hits me. It feels like thousands of knives stabbing me all over. He must have noticed my pain, and came to my side to help me lie back down.

He looks about a year older than I am. Tall and thin, with bright blue eyes and brown hair.

“My name is Ender. No need to tell me yours, just looked like you were in a bit of trouble back there.” He looks good, with those bright blue eyes looking into mine, I couldn’t help but blush, I just hope I wasn’t too obvious.

“Ya, uh, thanks by the way. I don’t know what would have happened if you weren’t there.”

“You living on the streets?” I now know why the orphanage kept me a secret, I can’t let anything slip again, I may not be as lucky the next time.

“Uh, ya. I’ve been on the streets my entire life,” I lie, no need to tell him who I am. “I should probably get going now, thanks by the way, you know, for saving my life back there.” The second that I stand up I regret it though. A searing pain worse than before inches up my leg. I’d totally forgotten about my injury.

“Woah there!” He puts a hand on my waist and I blush even more, “You’re going to need to rest for at least one more day before you can even start walking again. Best I stay with you for the time bein, make sure you don’t try and kill yourself again, you know.” I can’t help but laugh. We talk for the rest of the day, except for the times when he would go out and get some food and more bandages to wrap my leg (it’s still bleeding a lot). By the time night falls I’m exhausted. I fall asleep at around twenty-one hours, and wake up at about four. The sun hasn’t come up yet, so I figure I should probably close my eyes and sleep a little longer, when I hear footsteps leaving the sidewalk that I am resting on. I peer to my left which was where Ender was when I’d fallen asleep, but he was gone. I feel panic creeping up inside of me. Is he conspiring against me? He has an American accent, maybe he’s figured out who I am? Can’t be. He’s been so nice to me. Maybe he was kidnapped? No. He must have just woken up early and couldn’t fall back to sleep, so he’s gone to fetch us some breakfast? Either way, I can’t hold back my curiosity, so I follow the footsteps I’d heard earlier, hoping that they belong to Ender.


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Mon Aug 24, 2020 10:59 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm back for Chapter 3.

First Impression: So...this was a pretty nice chapter. We get to see Tris having got out onto the streets. I love the hints that are being dropped about her parents here with all the prize money and other things that you mentioned. This Ender seems like a pretty interesting character. Seems like maybe he'll be a friend to Tris. And overall this was pretty good except for a couple of chunky paragraphs that I spotted and I'll mention them down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

3 days have passed. I have been trying to ration my food as best as possible, but I didn’t have much to begin with, so I begin my scavenge. I can’t convince myself to steal any food, at least not yet, my mind will most likely change when I am really out of food, but for now, I search through a nice cafe’s bins. I find a half eaten sandwich, that I decide to save it for later when I start to get really desperate.


Well that seems like a wise course of action on Tris' part. One thing is that, that number 3 is usually written as three in a story. Trust me I always make this mistake and people who review my story point this out to me every single time so I'm just passing that message on.

By this time it is already mid-day, and I decide to start looking for a new place to spend the night. I am wearing a tuke that I found in an old cubby at the orphanage, to help me blend in, but it doesn’t seem to be doing its job as well as I had hoped.


Well that again sounds like a pretty smart decision by Tris.

A man comes up to me with a wrinkled flyer featuring two people that look familiar,

“Know who these people are little girl?” He says in a raspy voice.

“No sir, I have no idea,” I say, trying my best to keep a calm voice.


Nice transition to the reason that her tuke isn't working as well as it should.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I do my best to seem innocent.

“You don’t? Because I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if it turns out these are your parents?” Ok, now everyone is looking, I don’t know what else to do, so I run. I run, and run, and run, but it’s no use, they're still hot on my trail, maybe give it time, I can run at this pace for a while, they will most likely get tired.


GO TRIS!

I can’t help but think about what that man said. “There’s big prize money for the person that finds you,” what prize? Money? I don’t have much time to dwell on the thought though, because apparently these people know the streets better than I do. It seems they have found a shortcut through an alleyway, and they are now on either side of me, I’m trapped, and that’s not the worst of it, they all seem to have some sort of weapon. It seems that the big man that talked to me earlier is the one in charge, holding a giant knife in his hand. I try to climb the wall next to me, no use, a woman drags me back down and I slam against the ground. I am aching all over, but as I think the pain can’t get any worse, the man with the big knife slices a giant knife through my right thigh. I’m ready to die, I’m already blacking out, I don’t know if I will ever wake up, but then I hear a voice, it’s a boy, all I make out is, “Hey! Why don’t you try picking on someone your own size?” before I black out.


Okay so that one is a pretty decent action scene there but it is slightly rushed. It would be a bit better if you broke this into paragraphs at the place where she tries to climb the wall and made the whole knife part a new paragraph just so that we can pay more attention to that because the knife is clearly the part of the fight that we need to focus on otherwise it gets lost at the end of the other part. And that line of dialogue should be its own paragraph because it's a new person speaking. Besides that, that's a pretty good showing of her emotion as she's been attacked. And ouch getting stabbed in the leg is horribly painful.

I try sitting up, and a fresh wave of pain hits me. It feels like thousands of knives stabbing me all over. He must have noticed my pain, and came to my side to help me lie back down.


This is a really good description of the pain that you have there. That's definitely pretty accurate for a description. Although that leg wound should probably be painful on its own in a much stronger way.

He looks about a year older than I am. Tall and thin, with bright blue eyes and brown hair.


That's a decent description.

“Uh, ya. I’ve been on the streets my entire life,” I lie, no need to tell him who I am. “I should probably get going now, thanks by the way, you know, for saving my life back there.” The second that I stand up I regret it though. A searing pain worse than before inches up my leg. I’d totally forgotten about my injury.


Well that's suspicious. The boy actually managed to make her forget about the leg which was the first thing she thought of when she woke up. That must have been a really strong blush. Also now I'm curious as to how this teenager rescued her. (I want to see that fight)

“Woah there!” He puts a hand on my waist and I blush even more, “You’re going to need to rest for at least one more day before you can even start walking again. Best I stay with you for the time bein, make sure you don’t try and kill yourself again, you know.” I can’t help but laugh. We talk for the rest of the day, except for the times when he would go out and get some food and more bandages to wrap my leg (it’s still bleeding a lot). By the time night falls I’m exhausted. I fall asleep at around 21 hours, and wake up at about 4. The sun hasn’t come up yet, so I figure I should probably close my eyes and sleep a little longer, when I hear footsteps leaving the sidewalk that I am resting on. I peer to my left which was where Ender was when I’d fallen asleep, but he was gone. I feel panic creeping up inside of me. Is he conspiring against me? He has an American accent, maybe he’s figured out who I am? Can’t be. He’s been so nice to me. Maybe he was kidnapped? No. He must have just woken up early and couldn’t fall back to sleep, so he’s gone to fetch us some breakfast? Either way, I can’t hold back my curiosity, so I follow the footsteps I’d heard earlier, hoping that they belong to Ender.


This part again should not be just one blob like this. Several things happen here and happen pretty fast too so this one really needs to be broken up a little.

I think the place where she falls asleep is a good place(numbers in words again there) t divide the paragraphs. Also that leg wound. Umm...well I'm not that much of an expert on those but usually I think the wounds that are going to be plausible to treat by yourself probably would stop bleeding by that point and not bleed on for so long and the ones that would bleed for that long you would probably need to get to a hospital or you'll bleed to death. Just a little nitpick there and I might be wrong because I'm no expert but that's my two cents there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: So overall I think this is a really good continuation of her escaping. The one thing I feel might be missing is a reference or two to poor Nev. It would sort of help drive home that Tris missed her a lot more otherwise it feels like we are going to totally forget about the orphanage. So that's the one thing I have to add to this. Other than that it's pretty good. Looking forward to more chapters of this.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




PrymRose says...


Thank you HarryHardy! This is very useful information! Most of it I didn't even notice but now that you mention it, I can see the things I should go back and change. I really appreciate that you are reading all of my chapters too! If you have any stories that you are writing that you think I might enjoy please let me know and I would love to return the favor in reading one of your stories!



HarryHardy says...


Your Welcome!!
I will definitely continue to read this.
Ahh...thanks for the offer! :D



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Sun Aug 23, 2020 11:11 pm
luminescence wrote a review...



'Ello, I'm going to hop in here without reading the past parts, so very sorry about that.

Sentences are pretty standard. They give a good idea of the surroundings without being exact with details, which can be taken in several ways. One of them is the simplistic route where details aren't needed, so what is on the paper is enough. The other is the ran out of time and hurried into it all. I only say that because of some grammar mistakes I've spotted and lack of real attention to your characters and what they act or look like.

You describe things, and it seems like it will lead somewhere. When you start to lay the scene out, you go to the next thing. Okay, the character blushed. What color was it? So many missed opportunities to bring the story out of its shell. His accent too; there are many different types. For example, New England English or Southern American English. There are also many more, so one quick search can point them out for you.

If you aren't sure how to do that, you can write down a character plan. Again, you can find one online and copy and paste it into a doc. After that, you can fill it out with your character in mind. This is my favorite thing to do, but there are many more. The only thing to remember is to show, not to tell. That means expanding your language and opening up to different ideas, but do what feels comfortable as that matters more.

I also see empty language. Those are normally adjectives that describe something, but nothing that is dimensional. Think of size words like short, tall, wide, etc. Think of colors like red, blue, green, purple, etc. There are ways to not use those, so maybe think about a rubber ball and write what it looks like. Whatever you think is worth putting down should not be empty language. There, of course, are other options too if that doesn't work.

He looks about a year older than I am. Tall and thin, with bright blue eyes and brown hair.


This is littered with empty language, so here is a rephrased version. You don't have to use it, but I'd suggest widening your writing so it becomes more.

His face is mature, and he towers above me with azure eyes and a tuft of tawny hair.


I hope this helped - Hopefully not rude though.

Axi




PrymRose says...


Thanks for the feedback Axi! This is definitely just a rough copy, so I will be sure to use your ideas, and will try my best to make my words less empty! After you mentioned it, I re-read through it, and you are totally right, my words are very boring! :) Anyways, I really appreciate you reading through and writing a review!




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