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Chapter #2

by PrymRose


I’ve worked out my plan. I will leave Tuesday night, when all the orphans are asleep, and the professors are in the kitchen eating the leftover brownies from supper.

I can’t bring much, (not that I have lots to bring). I’d snatched a backpack from the shoe room the night before, so I can carry my things. I pack an extra pair of clothes, my toothbrush, a blanket, and my favorite story, the only thing I was left with when I was dropped at the orphanage. It’s a love story about two spies that meet on an assignment in Paris, no wonder it’s the only thing I was given.

On the day of the night I plan to leave, I convince myself that I have to see Nev one more time. I know I am doing all of this for her. But I still feel guilty. What will she think when she hears that I ran away without her? Without any hints, or saying a proper goodbye? I was even weighing down the idea of leaving her a letter, but what if it fell into the wrong hands? What if it was picked up by someone like Ms Trunchbull? No. I can’t risk it. Hopefully one day I can see Nev again, tell her why I left, but I can’t get my hopes up.

I walk into her dorm, trying to act casual. Nev knows me, she will be able to tell something is up with even the slightest hesitation between words.

“Nev! I’ve been looking for you!” Not really, I knew she would be in her dorm, and that’s why it was a stupid thing for me to say, because she knows too.

“Are you alright Tris? It’s the afternoon on Tuesday, I scrub the floors Tuesday afternoons,” she says with an obvious hint of suspicion in her voice.

“Right, I know but, uuh,” come on! Think of something to say! “I, uh, was told by Valerie that you switched places with Mayfair and was washing dishes in the kitchen,” really? That’s the best thing I could think of? I need to get better at this whole lying thing.

“Oh, well, I don’t know where Valerie heard that, but anyways, hear I am! Why did you want to see me?”

I’d already thought of the answer to this question earlier this morning,

“I just wanted to check up on you. I ran into Dr. Drimley this morning and she said you had an ear infection the other day. You alright?” Perfect, nice and clean. That part wasn’t a lie, thanks to Dr. Drimley and Nev’s ear infection, I had a perfect reason to go check on her.

“Ya, I’m all better now. She said it was just a small clog of some ear wax, I’m feeling much better now.”

“Well that’s good to hear,” there’s a long pause, and I can’t think of anything else to say, so I give her a tight hug. This may be the last time I get to see Nev and I won’t walk away without giving her one.

She’s probably wondering why I’m hugging her with no explanation, usually hugs are for when someone is hurting, or celebrating something exciting. But although I am usually very uptight around most people, Nev knows that I can be a very affectionate person. I just hope she doesn’t dwell on the thought for too long. Nev is smart, she would be able to fit the pieces together.

That night I stuff as much food into my mouth as humanly possible. Who knows how long until my next meal? Once I’m done, I wait for everyone to leave the mess hall, trying not to make it too obvious, then sneak into the pantry at the back. I grab as much as I can. Crackers, canned goods, a secret stash of candy I’d found last year, and really everything that I can count on not to go bad. Then I sneak back up to my dorm, and put on my jacket, and winter boots. If anything, this is the best time to run away. It’s still winter, but the first day of spring is coming up. Which means I will have a nice warm summer to sort out my priorities. I leave before I can think too hard on my decision. I tend to do that a lot, and I am not willing to take the chance.

As I walk down the street I look back at the orphanage one last time, rundown and old, with it’s huge brick walls and wooden creaky door, this where I grew up, I will most likely never see it again, so I need to savor it as long as I can. I watch it until I am finally forced to turn the corner, and walk into an alleyway of darkness.

I wake up to a robin pecking at my backpack. I hadn’t slept all too well, as expected, I mean, I was lying on concrete for heaven's sake! I would much prefer my lumpy bed at the orphanage, and that’s saying something!

I get up and check the time at a nearby library. Only 5:30, the girls will be waking up in two and a half hours to see my empty bed, and empty drawer. They will get the professors, and Nev, and they will all think I ran away for some selfish, crazy reason. I can’t even think about it without tearing up. I may not have had much in common with anyone but Nev, but they were still my friends. I’d grown up with them, we all share the same trauma, and for some reason, I feel some kind of connection to them as if they were my sisters.

I push the thought out of my mind, and try to think on the bright side. Nobody will get hurt because of me. I will find a job or something, get enough food and water, and for once, have control over my own life. It felt good, not to have to feel like you need to do anything you're told. A sort of untamed feeling started creeping into my gut, a feeling that I had never felt before. It wasn’t scared, or sad, it felt good, it felt wild.


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Thu Jul 16, 2020 5:07 pm
starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there, Prim Rose! :D
I haven't read the first part, but I thought I'd go ahead and review this chapter. I really like this chapter! I'm now thinking of going back and reviewing your first chapter sometime after this. Your story is definitely exciting, and I'm intrigued to what is going to happen to your character! One thing I noticed; your story doesn't have a title, so I'm assuming you haven't thought of one yet. No worries! I was just curious if you forgot to add it or something. Okay, on to the review!

I can’t bring much, (not that I have lots to bring).


I wouldn't put a comma before the part in parenthesis. This part is nice though since it gives the reader more information about the character (especially if you haven't read the first chapter).

It’s a love story about two spies that meet on an assignment in Paris, no wonder it’s the only thing I was given.


This is a run-on sentence. You can easily fix this by replacing the comma with a period or a semicolon, or even a dash if you'd like.

On the day of the night I plan to leave, I convince myself that I have to see Nev one more time.


In the beginning, you used past tense to describe the plan, saying "I have worked out my plan." So here, it would make more sense to say "On the day of the night I had planned/I planned to leave." Also, Nev is a cute name!

I know I am doing all of this for her. But I still feel guilty.


I would combine these two sentences. "I know I am doing all of this for her, but I still feel guilty."

Nev knows me, she will be able to tell something is up with even the slightest hesitation between words.


This is a run-on sentence. I'd either replace the comma with a period or a semicolon.

Not really, I knew she would be in her dorm, and that’s why it was a stupid thing for me to say, because she knows too.


I don't think it's correct to say "Not really" and just put a comma after. I'd replace it with a dash.

I don’t know where Valerie heard that, but anyways, hear I am!


I believe you meant "here I am!"

That part wasn’t a lie, thanks to Dr. Drimley and Nev’s ear infection, I had a perfect reason to go check on her.


Same thing, a run-on sentence. I'd just replace the comma after "lie" with a period.

“Well that’s good to hear,” there’s a long pause, and I can’t think of anything else to say, so I give her a tight hug.


Since after the quote you didn't wrote something like "I said" or "I responded" you can put a period at the end of the quote instead of a comma, and then capitalize "There's" since it will be the beginning of a new sentence.

She’s probably wondering why I’m hugging her with no explanation, usually hugs are for when someone is hurting, or celebrating something exciting.


Same thing, a run-on. I'd just put a period after "explanation"

Nev is smart, she would be able to fit the pieces together.


Same thing. You can replace the comma with a period, semicolon, or a dash.

That night I stuff as much food into my mouth as humanly possible.


Haha, I find this funny xD

Once I’m done, I wait for everyone to leave the mess hall, trying not to make it too obvious, then sneak into the pantry at the back.


I'd put the "trying not to make it too obvious" at the end of the sentence instead after "pantry at the back" because it reads a little funny the way it is.

It’s still winter, but the first day of spring is coming up. Which means I will have a nice warm summer to sort out my priorities.


I'd combine these two sentences.

I leave before I can think too hard on my decision. I tend to do that a lot, and I am not willing to take the chance.


Nice characterization spot.

I wake up to a robin pecking at my backpack.


I feel this is a bit sudden from your last paragraph to this paragraph. To make the transition smoother, you can talk start this paragraph talking about finding a place to sleep (trying out different spots, until you found the most "comfortable" or something like that).

It wasn’t scared, or sad, it felt good, it felt wild.


I think to make the ending more dramatic, you could change it to "It wasn't scared or sad. It felt good." and then you can make this a new paragraph "It felt wild." This is just a suggestion though, nothing wrong with what you have already!

Overall, this is a really interesting story! I am excited to see where this goes. I do agree with another reviewer that you start a lot of sentences with "I." I'd go back and work on varying your sentences so the reader doesn't get bored easily. But other than that, you have a nice chapter here, and I hope this helped! :D




PrymRose says...


Thank you StarlitMind! I am planning on going back and editing everything soon, and I will be sure to use your suggestions. I'm glad you like the story, and to answer your question at the beginning, no I haven't forgotten about the title, I just haven't thought of the right one yet.



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Wed Jul 15, 2020 1:34 pm
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi!! I finally got around to reading this. Sorry it took a while. I was busy in the storybook write-in(you probably have no idea what that is)

First Impression: And looks like our friend Tris is getting around to running away. I barely know these characters and I'm already feeling sorry for Nev(this means you did a good job showing the relationship between the two). And well...pretty good escape strategy.

Anyway let's get to it,

I can’t bring much, (not that I have lots to bring). I’d snatched a backpack from the shoe room the night before, so I can carry my things. I pack an extra pair of clothes, my toothbrush, a blanket, and my favorite story, the only thing I was left with when I was dropped at the orphanage. It’s a love story about two spies that meet on an assignment in Paris, no wonder it’s the only thing I was given.


That's a nice little description of the things that she has. Really brings home that she is an orphan that doesn't have much to call hers. Also is that book a little hint about her parents?? It sounds like one.

On the day of the night I plan to leave, I convince myself that I have to see Nev one more time. I know I am doing all of this for her. But I still feel guilty. What will she think when she hears that I ran away without her? Without any hints, or saying a proper goodbye? I was even weighing down the idea of leaving her a letter, but what if it fell into the wrong hands? What if it was picked up by someone like Ms Trunchbull? No. I can’t risk it. Hopefully one day I can see Nev again, tell her why I left, but I can’t get my hopes up.


Oh this part captures quite the emotion here. You can feel how torn Tris is in this part. I really hope she gets to explain things to Nev.

“I just wanted to check up on you. I ran into Dr. Drimley this morning and she said you had an ear infection the other day. You alright?” Perfect, nice and clean. That part wasn’t a lie, thanks to Dr. Drimley and Nev’s ear infection, I had a perfect reason to go check on her.


And she didn't like learn about this earlier. If the ear infection was "the other day" as in probably the day before Tris who spends a lot of time with Nev should have talked about this on that other day right?

She’s probably wondering why I’m hugging her with no explanation, usually hugs are for when someone is hurting, or celebrating something exciting. But although I am usually very uptight around most people, Nev knows that I can be a very affectionate person. I just hope she doesn’t dwell on the thought for too long. Nev is smart, she would be able to fit the pieces together.


This is some nice and very subtle development of their characters there which is very nice.

I wake up to a robin pecking at my backpack. I hadn’t slept all too well, as expected, I mean, I was lying on concrete for heaven's sake! I would much prefer my lumpy bed at the orphanage, and that’s saying something!


Indeed that is saying something Tris.

I push the thought out of my mind, and try to think on the bright side. Nobody will get hurt because of me. I will find a job or something, get enough food and water, and for once, have control over my own life. It felt good, not to have to feel like you need to do anything you're told. A sort of untamed feeling started creeping into my gut, a feeling that I had never felt before. It wasn’t scared, or sad, it felt good, it felt wild.


And a lovely ending to set up what promises to be quite the adventure for Tris.

Aaand that's it.

Overall: I loved this chapter just as much as the previous one. It promises quite a lot and our characters get some great development. Please continue to tell me when you upload a new chapter. I definitely don't want to miss any chapters of this. This is sounding like a really interesting plot.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




PrymRose says...


Thank you HarryHardy! And thanks for reading this chapter! I will be sure to go back and make a few changes, this is only my rough copy! :)



HarryHardy says...


Your Welcome!!
Good luck with your changes!! :D



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Wed Jul 15, 2020 1:21 am
Cherrymary wrote a review...



Hi Prim Rose! I just wanted to start off by saying I really enjoy your story so far! I think that the chapters that I have read so far have been pretty good. I like that Nev and Tris know each other really well, and that you have a decent depiction of a close friendship in real life. I don't really have any criticism, as most of what I was thinking was already mentioned by the two other reviewers. But keep it up!




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Tue Jul 14, 2020 9:37 pm
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RadDog13579 wrote a review...



Hey Prim Rose! Let me start by saying wow. This is such a great continuation of the first chapter. I have one thing that I noticed when reading your story. You need to describe stuff more, show not tell. This is a very important thing to do when writing. For example, when you say "As I walk down the street I look back at the orphanage one last time." I couldn't see the orphanage in my mind. What does it look like? Is it brick? I had these questions. I really hope this wasn't to harsh. I am really looking forward to reading the next chapter in this series. Great work, keep it up!

-RadDog




PrymRose says...


Thank you RadDog! This is very helpful! I will be sure to go back and edit to make the image of the orphanage more clear! I will also make sure to describe things in more detail! :)



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Tue Jul 14, 2020 7:54 pm
Dragonthorn wrote a review...



Greetings fellow writer, I'm Thorn, and I'll be reviewing for you today.

I haven't read the previous part of this, which I most likely should, but a good chapter is supposed to be understandable without context given beforehand. Does this live up to those standards? Not exactly. It's full of repeating of information that almost resembles an info dump, which is never great. All of the action doesn't work without context.

There's a lot of telling, so I'd suggest to show more of the setting and more in depth details about the characters. I know little to nothing about anyone, but I do know what time they wake up. Show emotion, show special personality quirks, show something that makes them seem like a human instead of a lifeless robot.

Most sentences begin with the letter I, which again is repetitive. It's always about the main character, and even that is done poorly. As I mentioned before, it has very little detail about really anything important.

-----> " Only 5:30, the girls will be waking up in two and a half hours to see my empty bed, and empty drawer."

-> That information isn't needed if it's from the main character's point of view. They shouldn't be all-knowing as they aren't in the third person, so that comes off as something a reader wouldn't enjoy. No one likes a repetitive, little to no detailed, and plain and boring piece of writing, so a change is needed. It goes and it goes.

Ask if anything is confusing.

Catch you later.




PrymRose says...


Thank you Thorn for the ideas, I will be sure to put those into perspective!




"Now I realize that there is no righteous path, it’s just people trying to do their best in a world where it is far too easy to do your worst."
— Castiel