Published August 21, 2011
“So. Guess this is goodbye.”
“Yeah.”
He rocked forward on his heels, hands stuffed in his pockets, staring at the pavement. She stood outside the taxi, drumming her manicured nails on the open door.
He scratched his head. “I’m…sorry.”
“Please, don’t be.”
“I shouldn’t have, I mean, you and I never would have worked out. I mean, you’re just perfect, and I’m all messed up -”
“Aden, stop. Stop demeaning yourself. It doesn’t have anything to do with that, it just wasn’t meant to be.”
His neighbor’s dog barked. He felt prickles all over him and knew the neighbors were watching. They were watching the aristocrat Diana Forester leave the loser Aden Hill. He could hear the gossip in his head. About time, those old ladies would say. She was always too good for him.
He glanced at her again. She was fiddling with her white designer coat. The coat he would never have been able to afford. His heart ached. After today, he was never going to see her again. No more lectures about his clothes lying all over the place. No more torturous dinners with her father that he had to wear those stupid, stuffy suits for. Desperation and pain washed over him like the water she had used to pour on him when he didn’t wake up for work on time.
I love you, Diana, he wanted to say. I know I may be a total loser of a guy but I will try. I’ll try my hardest so your Dad doesn’t give you stress anymore. I’ll do my best so you don’t always have to fight against your whole family for me. I’ll do anything and everything.
Wanting to say and saying are two different things.
“I should go,” she said. “The plane leaves in an hour. Bye, Aden.”
“Yeah, yeah…See ya.”
She sat in the taxi and closed the door. The driver started the engine. Aden’s look fell on her hair.
[i]“Goldilocks, Goldilocks!” he sang, grinning.
She smacked his arm, sitting next to him on the sofa. “Don’t call me that.”
“Leave it open, you look prettier,” he said, opening her ponytail and messing up her hair.
She leaned her head against his shoulder. “Crazy dotard.”
“I love you too, Goldilocks.”[/i]
She looked at him and their eyes met. Aden’s heart beat against his ribcage. He bit his lip. He was about a second away from puking out what he had already said and promised her a thousand times before. The taxi drove off.
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hey, Priceless!
Okay, so you asked for this to be reviewed, so here I am!
Now, as far as this piece goes, it seems… partly realistic and partly not? I don’t know… my now ex-boyfriend also got intimidated by my folks, since they wanted him to live up to a standard that he wasn’t quite sure how to live up to. So, not so fun. But, when we broke up with each other, the main thoughts in his mind weren’t about how hard my family was to get along with but rather how to get me back again. I mean, I can’t read his mind. Maybe the other thing on his mind were about my parents or whatnot. But, I am guessing it was of secondary importance.
With that said, it sounds a bit weird to me that he would be as mild about it or as family-focused as he is.
Also, another thing that I thought was weird was she seemed distant. I mean, you say this in the story:
This implies that she had to fight against her family in order for him to be accepted and all that. This probably took a huuuuuuuuuuge toll out of her and it probably really stressed out their relationship more than a couple of times. However, this doesn’t really seem to be the case here. She seems to be rather flat, actually. Does she have any regret of having this relationship? Aden would probably be trying to notice her features and body language to see if this were the case — after all, we all love a little hope. Anyway, what is her relationship with him? How does she conduct herself with hum? Or maybehe is the only one who was actually in love with her
And the scene with its italicized bit! It sounds cute, but if their relationship were really that deep, then wouldn’t there be other moments where he would tease her hair or something? Right now, it seems a bit awkward, because it doesn’t even seem to be a particularly meaningful conversation, except for maybe him saying that he loves her.
Anyway! Those are just a couple of thoughts. I mean, the thing is the relationship doesn’t seem real. Make it real, and it’ll be so much better.
Thats was pretty enjoyable. I felt sad and sympathetic for poor Aden.
Introduction: Personally, I don't like stories that start with very short dialogues.
> So, it would have been better if you were giving a fine description for the place, how the boy and the girl were feeling at that time. I am not sure it would make a better introduction if you have put that dialogue below those two lines with a more detailed description.
I agree with Carlito on that.
Here you've repeated the word "I mean" which is kinda weakening the sentence. The second one could be omitted.
Repeating words goes on again. You could replace the second 'watching' with a stronger word.
It is better to link those two sentences together.
I don't really get that part like why is it written in italic. But the ending is simply amazing. I really enjoyed reading this. Well done!
Aww... this was sad. It wasn't the normal, loser-guy-gets-dumped-by-stuffy-rich-kid. You made it sound like she had fought for him, and that they loved each other. I like how he was willing to work hard for her, that he would miss the way she nagged him for not doing stuff. And... I felt like he didn't beg her because he wanted her to be happy, even if that meant she would be away from him. It felt like genuine love, and he did the unselfish thing even though he wanted her so badly. I don't know, I just got that impression. For such a short piece, I really found a connection to these characters. I love the flashback, the "I love you too, Goldilocks." It was so sweet. Cliche, perhaps? But enjoyably so. I really loved this.The only thing I would say is... maybe a tiny bit more of her last words to him? I know she will have a bit more proper speech, but I felt she should tell him off a little more harshly for him putting himself down, to show she cares.
Thanks for the read
-Dai
Hey Priceless!
Nitpicks:
I think an ellipses after "So" would work better. It adds more of a pause, plus "so" isn't a sentence.
Also, I want some dialogue cues here. This is the opening of the story. I want it to grab me and right now it's a little drab. I want to know who is talking. I don't get the he or the she or the names until way later and I'd like them now. You don't have to wait to introduce names until a character says them. What are the characters doing? Does the boy fiddle with his coat? Bite his lip? Shift his weight from side to side. This is a tough situation for both characters and I want to feel their pain.
This is great. Add it to the dialogue above instead of down here. Make it awkward. Make it painful for us to read.
"demeaning" doesn't really fit in for me and I think the line sounds a little awkward.
There is a lot of "his" and "he" in this. Change it up a little. Give us his name on occasion.
There's also a lot going on in this paragraph and I think it should be broken up a little.
More more more!
I want to feel my heart hurt for him. I want to know his anguish. Have you ever experienced something like this? If not, find someone who has. It's hard to grasp how painful it is to break up with someone and leave someone you love unless you've experienced it yourself. It's not just an ache in your heart. It's all-consuming and absolutely awful.
After you give all of his thoughts, then add something about this is what he wanted to say.
Love this. So true.
Give me some more dialogue cues here.
This is worded really awkwardly.
What? "Puking out" isn't the best descriptor
I think overall, you have a really great concept here but overall I just want more. I don't know if you had a word limit or something but I want to feel more when I read this. This should be absolutely heart-breaking. It's a really tough situation. He clearly loves her but it's not working out, they don't know how to make it better, so they say good-bye. I've experienced something similar to this and it's the worst. I want to feel his anguish as he watches this girl he loves, slip away from him. I want more description and emotion.
There's nothing bad about what you've done, don't get me wrong. I think you've got a great start here and a really good idea. But it could be even better.
Let me know if something didn't make sense, you have any questions, or need anything else!
-Carly
Hey Priceless,
I’ll just kick it off with corrections!
You just messed up the italics here.
Ah, really sweet. Good job! I liked it a lot. It doesn’t really have anything wrong with it, to me. Story wise. Nice job!
PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!
-Boo
Hello Priceless,
here as per your request, that been said, I am very happy you invited me to read this. It's good, but you are right there is something wrong with it. Let me take you through it step by step.
Good solid line to start this story with, straight into the dialogue. The first period should be a comma though.
Scrap this, it's too flat. Be a little more emotive even with a speech tag or a short description.
Nice, this should perhaps come straight after the intro.
Don't like the use of ellipsis here. You can break up the dialogue with a speech tag to emulate a pause, it will read how it is said.
Something like that. I hate ellipses, I loathe them. They are no longer used in modern literature, and if they are it is sparingly. Use a '-' in place of ellipses.
Here is where you lost me a little bit. You repeat watching, you shouldn't so find another word. It's bizzare use of the word aristocrat, I know what you are trying to say but find a slightly more colloquial term, something the nosey old neighbours would use. They might call her 'decent' or something of that nature. Also I would put the last two sentences in italics as they are technically his thought.
This is one of the only times you can use the word 'something.' The sentence should read
or
I don't something like that, you can really make it flow smoother.
Cliché.
It's hard to show us everything and keep it concise. I think you are too far at the other end of the scale here. Show us how he went through this, and scrap the line about waking him up, nobody really does that. I know what you aim to do by showing us how close they are and shadow the whole situation with a memory of how she took care of him and encouraged him to go to work or whatever but it doesn't really work here. Its also a big un-punctuated jumble, this sentence.You are usually very tight with your prose but here you let go a little.
'whole' adds nothing. 'Dad doesn't give you stress' - this is a little awkward. It technically makes sense but the verb causes a little confusion. I think generally you aren't given stress but 'made stressed.'
ellipsis again, ah, get rid of it.
Even here you can show us. Afford yourself a little but more room to really paint the scene. You don't need to be this tight with the conclusion.
Like that.
We can assume the driver starts the engine. You could also make a reference to the sound in relation to how he feels, what he hears, heart loud, something like that.
I don't know.
Okay, now what's with the double italics at the end? is any of it supposed to be italicized?
Any way the last line is fantastic. Eloquent and heart wrenching. I think this is good, there really isn't many issues, it's a sound story with good plot and interesting characters. The dialogue is amazing and realistic and doesn't carry the story, just plays a role. The theme handled well and you really pull at the heart strings. So well done!
Anyway hope this helps
JP
Amazing! Simply Amazing piece of literature! I loved the way you described the surrounding, the side-thoughts and the overall dramatism of the story. It was short, yet, showed the whole story (begining till end and the 'why's) and it takes a great deal of effort to be able to do that
I have one question though
Is the word highlighted a combination of 'dork' and 'retard'? Or is it something else? Other that this, I just adored this piece! Poor guy, he probably deserved it...or...may be the girl was too all that...or...but he's...Uuurrrgh! It's just too emotional! Keep up the awesome work Priceless!Aw! So sweet! This story was very cute and sad with poor Aden. This is the kind of story that makes me want more of it. Good job! I hope Aden gets a girl he derserves