The room was a murky grey with thick fog. I found it hard to breathe as if I was actually in this room I stood in. The fog looked like thick tar trying to cling onto anything. It swirled around my ankles as if trying to ooze to my pours. My vision blurred in and out but I could make out what was going on around me. A guy was kneeling on the floor, thick heavy chains clung to his wrists and his arms were drawn back towards the wall. His head was bent down so I could not see his facial features, but his hair was shining with sweat, it was a deep midnight black.
He was wearing warn out jeans, they were covered in filth and dirt. His torso was shirtless and a dark substance clung to his skin. His muscles were pumping and I could see the strain as if they were fighting something. I felt an urge to reach out and help him but it was as if the fog was holding me back.
His head snapped up and his eyes were scraping the view in front of him. For a moment I thought he saw me but his eyes set me on edge, they were looking through me and I could tell he was fighting back fear. I saw a chain hanging around his neck, it looked like a talisman. The crusted silver held a heavy blue gem. I could see churning gold inside the blue as if it was liquid. He dropped his head again and his breathing became heavy. His chest raised and fell with a demanding motion.
He suddenly threw his head back and began laughing like a mad man, the chains shaking and straining against the rock where they were buried. “You think that would really happen?” He bellowed out into the darkness, as if answering an imaginary voice. “You, think that you are above everyone else. Yet you don’t even show yourself … you’re a coward!” His voice echoed around the room bouncing around and around, until it eventually died. The gem began to shimmer, a bright white and his dark blue eyes dropped towards it. This time he couldn’t hide the fear. The gem began to hover off his chest and his muscles began to tense. His eyes were wide with fear. He couldn’t tare his eyes from looking straight through me.
I wanted to move, I felt a scream build up inside of my throat but I held it down. The fog swirled thickly. The gem began to lift as high as his head, shining bright white. It was holding him up as his knees hovered up off the ground. His eyes were tense. “She will, once I have the two I can dispose of you.” A harsh voice cut through the air like ice, sending chills down my spine. I wanted to run far away from the voice and never hear it again. I saw his muscles flinch as if they were in pain. A smearing red was spreading up his neck. I wanted to rip the jewel from his neck and toss it away. “She … will n-never … come to … y-you.” His words were broken up and his voice cracking. The fog swirled around his knees. It was stretching up and folding over in on itself until it created a hand out stretching. He tried to back away from the hand but something was holding him tightly. He couldn’t move, all he could move was his eyes.
The hand reached out and grabbed the talisman and turned it in its foggy fingers. His neck muscles twitched uncontrollably as if fighting for control of them. “I got you; it won’t be hard to pull her in.” The cold voice hissed violently around the room. My ear drums rocked with the sound making it unbearable. “She … doesn’t have … it. She … doesn’t even … k-know.” The hand suddenly dissolved and the gen dropped with a thud onto his chest. He cried out in pain and his knees fell to the floor. His head dropped and he returned to his original place. Muscles relaxed slightly. A shiver brushed down my back and I let out a cold sigh. I hadn’t realised I was holding my breath.
His head shot up and this time his eyes bore into mine. His dark blue shimmered with tears and the fear was no longer in his eyes. “I’m so sorry.” His lips moved with a soft calming action but it didn’t calm the beast in my stomach. He screwed up his eyes and screamed bloody murder.
The scene was shattered from my view.
I felt something wrapped around my leg and all I could see was darkness. My hands reached out and grabbed anything they could hold. Soft cotton knitted through my fingers, my heart beat slowed down and slowly my eyes fluttered open, revealing my safe, warm bedroom. My tee clung to my back with sweat and my hair felt damp and cold. My breathing slowed down to a normal pace but one thing stuck in my mind, the blue gem with swirling gold.
Nothing else.
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140,280 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Hey!! Forever here with a review!!
I don’t have a lot fo things to say about the particular piece except the fact that it was a nightmare and then she associated her life with the nightmare. Anyway, into the review.
I found the fog imagery quite interesting. I don’t know what fog is supposed to mean and I really have a lot of difficulties in imagining a man not being able to go to another person because of fog. Fog can actually prevent you from seeing but I have no idea about how it is going to prevent you from going to a place. I would really like this to be a bit clarified in the first place. But yes, after all, it can just be a trick of the nightmare. Like maybe the nightmare was limited to that extent only and she wasn’t allowed to go forward. That can explain a few things now.
And now comes this man. The story, I should tell, was a scene rather than a complete story. It can be called a “description of a nightmare and how the nightmare connected with what a person saw just after waking up”. From what I understand, there is something with the gem. If I am not much mistaken, the gem was used to kill that person and then snatched away from him. The gem has some sort of evil effect which it carries along with it.
That can actually explain why the character saw th nightmare in the first place. I can’t find any other explanation for it. If it indeed has any other explanation or any other connection, it needs to be a bit clarified in the end. Otherwise, we are in clouds about the story. Seems like, the man was captured for some hidden secret but he was absolute that he wouldn’t give it. That cause his death. I am a bit confused about the apologizing part. Why did he apologize? Does it have to do something with the gem? Maybe he reckoned that problems will come to the narrator’s life after getting that gem. Also also, who was that man? I would really like to know this.
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
Otherwise it is really good!
Hi, Thanks for your message! Here is my review:
You should have a comma before 'but'
Same as Above!
You should say: His muscles relaxed slightly
You say:
Maybe you could say:
"The only thing on his body he could move was his eyes."
When you say
It gives the impression that he can't move anything, then you say he can move his eyes.
One final thing you say is:
You could say:
"His head shot up and this time his eyes bore into mine. They were dark blue ans shimmered with tears, but the fear was no longer there."
I love your writing style!
Everything is really clear and I can see the whole scene with your imagery. It's a very beautiful piece. When you started it out, I was drawn in by your imagery. Also, I was confused, but in a good way. It left me a lot of questions and I wanted them answered. It was a good hook.
I'm pretty sure you meant worn out and a semicolon is needed there or you can revise it any other way you want.I happened to spot a few grammar mistakes so I thought I'd point them out:
I think you meant tear instead of tare.
I think the last part sounds a little off. I'm not quite for sure, but I think you need a semicolon or to start a new sentence after the comma.
I make mistakes like that all the time.
One more thing, in the paragraph you start off as: "The hand reached out..." In that paragraph, the unseen person was speaking first. When I first read through it though, I was confused when the man with the blue gem picked up the conversation without you starting another paragraph. I thought that maybe the voice wasn't another character and it had been the blue gem man all along. I got it the second read through though.
I probably should have been paying more attention, but generally you don't want to have your reader go back and read a paragraph again because they didn't get something. You want to be clear with things like that.
Again, I really love the imagery and how cryptic the piece was. And the end was a cliff hanger it seems like. Was it really a dream? It's interesting to think about. I hope I helped you some.
Keep writing!