short story for my english class
Its short so i couldn't put in good plots and loads of detail, it had to be under 600 words, i went over a bit.
Please tell me what you think so i can improve! Thank you
Hayley Write was always the one for imagination. Every day she would have a story to tell, involving forbidden love or haunting vampires. However, she never thought that she would end up being one of her characters; captured with twists and turns in her life. How could she not predict Love and Betrayal that would soon foretell?
He was the ‘new guy’ in the crowd; sleek black leather covered his arms and torso. Light blue jeans with faded white embraced his leg muscles. Everything about him seemed authentic.
Hayley’s notepad lay safely in her lap. Her slim index finger clicked her pen vigorously. Her dark eyes drank in every essence of him. From his sun kissed blonde hair, down to his scuffed up blue pumps.
He looked like a mirage in a blazing hot desert.
How Hayley wanted to reach out and touch him, like he was a fine piece of art. The bell droned out along the school and as if they were robots; every student turned on their feet and marched in. Hayley slung her bag over her shoulder and merged in with the crowd.
The history room was full of noise. Bits of paper being thrown about and gossip from over the weekend flooded into Hayley’s ears. But she ignored her surroundings, her eyes stuck to her chair. Well the chair next to her which was usually unoccupied. It now held a master piece within its plastic frame. Her breath caught in her lungs as she took him in.
She slowly sunk into her chair and tried to not gaze at him. She was surprised where this strength could have come from. It was like he was forbidden fruit. She didn’t think he would even speak a word to her, but a soft tune of a gentle voice found her ears. Her eyes looked deep into his and she found herself momentarily stunned. She heard him speak his name and in her head it sounded like a beautiful song. Lucas Del Tornie. She wanted to turn away and not make a fool of herself in front of him. But with his words bouncing around in her head it was hard for her not to answer. Until the class came to an end and a note of paper was handed to him with numbers lettering them.
For weeks, Hayley began to get to know Lucas, the one who didn’t enjoy football, but who loved squash instead. He, who would want to travel the world one day with only a handful of money in his pocket, he wanted adventure and love; he wanted to discover things and treasure things. But most of all he wanted someone to share it with him. She would gaze into his eyes every time he spoke, getting lost in the words of ‘you and I’. When she did he would not hesitate to steal a kiss.
It felt like the sun was on the horizon, blessing the land and giving it hope. But no one could see the dark cloud rising readying to snatch away the living sun.
Hayley fell into step with him, as he took her down towards the canal. His hand slipped into hers and she rested her head on his shoulder her blonde hair tumbling down. He placed his head on top of hers as they stood together in perfect harmony. “Hayley, have you ever wondered what it would be like if I never met you?” Hayley felt her heart slow down as if to catch every word he said. She lifted up her head and look at him. “I know that I wouldn’t be the same.” Hayley could not hide the desperation in her voice. Something hadn’t seemed right with him for a few weeks his eyes did not portray the love they once had. “I feel like my life would have been simple, with nothing to wake up to, just lying on my bed imagining a different world, a better world.” The last line disappeared into a mumbled silence. Hayley felt her chest tighten, she pulled herself away from him. She could not believe he was saying these things. She turned away and ran not wanting him to see the tears fall down her cheeks.
He didn’t call for days. He didn’t bother to turn up for school.
Hayley felt like she had lost a great deal. News reports came up with him missing, Hayley felt like her body had snapped in two, or was that her heart? She never saw his sweet face again. But the last words he said to her were branded to her skin. Like a permanent mark of betrayal.
A betrayal of love.
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141,418 Literary Works • 674,397 Reviews
Hey there. So, I guess I'll do a review for you this evening. Give me some slack since I've been in hiatus for two years from here. It takes me away from doing my homework so it's okay. I'm Jayleigh by the way... here we go...
First off, you seem to be doing well as far as grammar goes. However I did see a few moments where you had a bit of trouble.
For instance:
This whole sentence is entirely wrong. One of these ; things doesn't belong there. You only use those if both sides of a ; could actually be a stand alone sentence. You know? Like they have the whole noun and verb thing? I believe just a comma could suffice here. Also, I don't know about you, but I don't ever picture high school kids marching, or even looking like robots. I'd rethink this a bit?
It is not very clear what Love and Betrayal is. I am assuming it is her story...the one she wrote? If so make that more clear. Did it actually get published? Also, if it is the title of a book, put it in italics.
I believe there are two different speakers here, correct? If so, there needs to be a new paragraph for every speaker. Don't mush everything into a paragraph. You have a word requirement, not page.
That's all I can really tell as far as grammar goes. You're word choice can sometimes lack luster but I think that has more to do with your word requirement.
As far as content:
I feel like this is more of a lengthy synopsis of a story rather than a short story. Short stories can be really difficult to write because there's so much to do and not enough space to do it in. So, if you want to maintain these characters and relationship, I'd go with just a moment during their time. Like have the whole canal scene be one emotional short story. You can add more dialog, more emotions and more character traits instead of needing to list them as you did here to get out a whole novel in 600+words.
I also feel like this whole thing was very unoriginal. I'd love to see just a normal high school couple who've known each other since the first grade but have found their way to each other sophomore year have a tragic break-up scene. Instead of the new kid being all dark and brooding with suicidal tendencies. (Which, by the way, I thought was too sudden and by doing just the one scene, we can see her have real flashbacks of his change from fine and loving to depressed and uninterested),
So, I think I've covered enough to help with your assignment. If you decide to rewrite, send me a message and I'll be glad to look it over again. Sorry if I came off a bit harsh. Just giving some major constructive criticism and aid.
-Jayleigh