Silence and darkness ate away at Khor’s flesh and mind. He had followed the sound of the stream and it had led him to the place that had nearly killed him. Khor closed his eyes to soak up the small sound and allowed it to fill him up.
He slowly reached into his pocket and drew out a silver ring. There was only a small, red jewel placed in the center. He slipped in onto his index finger and the magic in it drew the natural warmth from his finger and used it to cast a dim glow all around him.
The shadows of the chasm ran and hid, even in the faint light of his ring. Why was this placed calling to him so strongly? And why had it lured him into its depths then rescued him?
A moan seemed to come from within the chasm. Khor took a step back and willed his ring to draw upon more of his warmth, extending and intensifying the light it shed. Movement came from inside the rift and the shadows fought against the light. They crawled out of the fissure and began to form themselves.
Khor’s instant impulse was to turn and run but his eyes were locked upon the thing as it built itself a body. Its limbs were thin and long, it had five fingers that ended in points. Its skin was a pure black and its eyes were a pointed, fiery red.
The creature towered ten feet tall over Khor. The boy’s breathing had quickened and it felt as though his heart was caught in his throat. The thing extended a long arm and forefinger and pointed at Khor.
“.” The language it spoke was beautiful and stayed in Khor’s head, echoing and fixing itself firmly in his memory. Khor didn’t know what to do. If he turned and ran it could obviously catch and possibly kill him, if he stayed the same could happen. So he stood in awe of the creature.
The thing’s voice became warped, quickly changing from the mystifying language to human speak. “You… survived.” it managed to say. Then the creature pointed first at itself and then at the boy. “Me, you… teach.”
“You want me to teach you?” Khor suggested. The shadow partially melted, dissolving into thousands of strands of shadows and reformed itself, this time with its face up to Khor’s.
Khor gazed into its vast red eyes. It poked itself with a massive finger and then did the same to Khor, prodding him in the chest and nearly pushing him over. “You want to teach me.” Khor said silently.
The creature smiled, and leaned back, nodding. Khor swallowed. “Why?” was all he was able to say. “You, survived.” Khor continually stared at the creature, unable to think or speak. “What do you want to teach me?” he finally said.
The shadow held out its massive hand and a fire erupted there, not burning its hand and hovering directly over it. It closed its fingers and immediately extinguished the blaze, casting rings of smoke into the night air.
“Magic?” Khor asked. The creature smiled once more. Why would it be a bad thing if Khoralie were to become a sorcerer? His father’s words rang inside his head as he remembered their argument.
“You, choose.” The creature said. Khor turned to the behemoth and looked it n the eyes. Through the shadow and fire, he saw a soul. Khor stole a deep breath and opened his mouth.
“Yes.” he said. And for the last time that night, the creature smiled and pointed to the sky that was blocked by the canopy of trees. “Same moon. One sun away.” It took a moment of thought for Khor to decipher this phrase.
“The same time tomorrow night?” he asked. The creature nodded and began to melt away. It faded and met with the shadows that hid in the chasm, eventually disappearing completely.
Khor briskly inhaled the cold winter’s air and turned, following the stream back to his house. “It appears as if you’ve gotten yourself into quite a situation.” Khor said to himself and the night sky stretched out far above him and he drew nearer to his home.
“Faster!” the voice shouted. The tendrils swept at his feet and he jumped just in time, his ankles barely missing the shadow. He ran on, ducking and rolling as he made his way across the shadow course. He came upon a gaping maw and jumped, hands clamping firmly upon a tendril that shot through the air and used it to swing himself to the other side.
A path opened up and shadow walls built themselves up on both sides of him. At the end of the hall was Kelsa. Khor ran, feeling the end at hand and he slipped, his boot skidding upon the slippery puddle of shadow.
He fell face first in the material that felt part water and part solid. All the shadow slipped back into Kelsa and built him up, growing to his full height of nearly ten feet tall. Khor could barely see him in the dim light his ring cast but he could see his master had his arms crossed.
“So close.” he said in his warped voice. “It wasn’t fair, there was no way I could’ve seen that puddle.” Khor said on his back, looking up at Kelsa. The creature said nothing as Khor got to his feet and brushed off the dirt his cloak had collected.
“What is the obstacle path meant for anyway? I thought you were going to teach me magic.”
“Course opens mind and then opens heart,” he said. The creature bent down and thrust a finger onto Khor’s chest. The watery solid–like skin chilled him even through his layers of clothing. “And heart opens magic.” Kelsa looked deep into Khor’s eyes and smiled. “Much heart.”
The creature righted himself and spoke again. “Break.” He turned and sat upon a nearby boulder, while Khor sat upon the ground not far away, leaning against the trunk of a black tree to catch his breath.
His father had left that morning, before Khor had awakened. When he did finally wake, he found his mother crying at the dining table with her morning robe still on. Soon after, Trannil had served breakfast but his mother left for her room and hadn’t come out for the rest of the day.
Khor had stayed inside for the day with Trannil receiving his lessons. The manservant was thorough and very knowledgeable but incredibly boring. By that time he was anticipating the creature’s training hungrily. The course was interesting, never the same and always full of surprises. Pit holes, spikes, and walls, that he had to think fast and wisely to avoid or navigate around.
“Who are you Kelsa? If I’m going to be your student I should know more about my master.” The creature kept his gaze fixed ahead and stole a breath.
“I am… Deamon.” was all he said before abruptly standing and shouting, “Course, again!”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
P.S. That creature ROCKS! I love that idea...sounds kind of like a shade but cooler and bigger! You're a genius.
-GJ
And, and, and, and, and and...get the picture. It is good to use simple sentances everyonce in a while to break things up, especially for more intense parts.
First, that's weird. Second, it is way overused, which is one reason I like your writing; it is original, so don't mess it up this time.
Anyway, there was not much to comment on. It was very good as usual. Oh, and guess what? Needs editing...what's new. Trust me, you'll be hearing it more. I am sorry, but it's a fact of writing.
-GJ
Ha HA! You see, my method of waiting until everybody else has already done awesome critiques works! Now I can be my normal lazy self and just point out a couple of things I noticed...
This, while certainly a catchy first phrase, doesn't make a whole lot of sense. It implies that Khor's skin is being eaten away by shadows - which we later find out isn't really what's happening. The sentence makes it sound like the shadows are a sort of acid, and Khor should be screaming in pain as his flesh rots off. Obviously that's not the case.
Also, it was incredibly confusing when you transitioned from the first day to the second day. You at least need some stars in between the two days so we'll know what's happened. Also, how did Kelsa suddenly become so fluent in Khor's language, when before he/she/it was having such a hard time making her/him/itself understood?
Anyway, a beautiful chapter...pretty sweet, but where do his parents think he is all this time? I would imagine he'll be spending a sizeable amount of time in that cave thingy...so what does he tell his parents?
Nice job, keep up the awesome re-writing.
~
Hey Pol,
back for another review
I think you need to give us a bit more about the ring. What's it for? Maybe tell us where he got it from and what it symbolizes as well? Why does he have it? But at the very least give us the 'what'.
Not bad but for such a dark and menacing creature you might want to delve a little deeper. Describe movement, facial features, scent or sensations it emits? Also, I would think that Khor's initial reaction would be to bolt but perhaps the only thing stopping him is for the simple fact that he can't. Something has rendered him immobile ... ?
The first line feels awkard. Maybe try: 'The tongue in which the creature spoke was eerie and beautiful all at once. The fluidity of the words resounded within his head; branded themselves in his memory.'
As for the rest, as I mentioned earlier, maybe its not so much that he is drawn in by curiosity but instead he's been locked into place by a spell. In his place I would be terrified instead of initially intrigued.
I would break this up into three seperate lines to make it clear that 'You, survived.' is spoken by the creature and not Khor. Also repleace 'speak' with 'speech'.
Same thing as before, break it up - also why is the creature repeating himself? Itself? :s
the bold lettering is where I made changes in the scentence.
for the last time doesn't seem like a good fit. Maybe, 'and once more' Also I love the 'same moon, one sun away' -interesting way of describing a timeline.
Seems like too much of a jump from the forest to his house. Maybe just end the scene with him standing alone in the woods with his thoughts before heading back.
Also - the next paragraph is a huge jump in time. For the first read through I didn't know we were transitioning and was confused before I realized he was now all of a sudden in his trainging with the creature. Waaay too fast.
Why don't you describe the next day, Khor is caught up in his thoughts about the night before, the day whips by and he's back in the woods, the creature returns to him and he takes Khor to where ever and perhaps Khor learns a bit more about his new and mysterious 'mentor'. It seems too drastic to jump from they meet to training day.
To make it clear to the reader that its a new scene I would make the first letter bold or put an * between the two paragraphs to represent a break in the story.
Tendril makes me think of hair (although it does mean vine or stem) I would use one of the other words since this sounds very unusual in this context.
Who is Kelsa? And where are they? In the forest near his house? Is it still night? How did he sneak away from home without no one noticing him gone?
Ok. So now I know Kelsa is the shadow creature - how does Khor know its name? THe moment the lead character is introduced to characters and learns of key elements - so should the reader.
Warped voice - what does that mean? Does it speak with a pronounced hiss? Or is the voice etheral - almost like a sigh that is felt more then heard?
Please when changing the dialogue from one character to another, break it apart. It should start on a seperate line ie:
A "blah blah blah."
B "Yada yada yada."
A- "Blah blah BLAH!"
Get my drift?
This seems entirely out of place. We should have been privy to this information much earlier on in the scene.
Once more we are learning this entirely too late in the scene. Furthermore - Khor seems far too trusting of a creature he's never laid eyes on before last night. We need to understand why he is so willing to trust something that could very well kill him in the blink of an eye. What are 'Kelsa's motives?'
I think if you delve into a new scene before the training and explain these issues in detail it will enrichen the piece.
All in all though it is a good addition
Sorry this took so long, I've been a bit sick. I started this review, and then my head clogged up and I couldn't think enough to write out a good review. But, today I can think.
Another great chapter, the creature is very interesting. I love how he was formed out of the shadows of the chasm, and I love the mystery surrounding the chasm and Khor. I do have to say that this chapter sounds a bit rushed, though. It seems as though you take three steps forward and one step back, and then forward again. Gets a bit confusing, and we have trouble connecting to Khor.
That's a sort of a strange sentence, maybe add in more description to connect this as a description. Because it almost sounds like it's actually eating him... Although, with what we read later in the chapter,
If this is what was in the box in his room, connect this to that. Also, maybe give more on how it works.
Missing word.
Watch your plurals and singulars at this sentence. You're taking many shadows and forming it into one being, not many shadows into many beings. So, maybe add to that sentence, or rephrase it.
I'm not so sure about the 'pointed,' mainly because I have no idea what it means in this sentence.
Does this mean that the creature is 10 feet tall, or that he's 10 feet taller than however tall Khor is? Might need some clarification here.
Not so sure about that adverb. It's kind of a contradiction there, saying something silently. You might want to go with 'quietly,' or without an adverb. Or, explain what you mean further.
New paragraphs for new speakers, so this should be about three paragraphs.
I think that might be what you were trying to say.
Typo fixed. Also, I am very curious how Khor can look into someone and see their soul. Or, look into the creature and see his soul.
New speakers, again. I'd split this up into three paragraphs, again. Khor's answer, the creature pointing and speaking, and Khor's deciphering attached to the next paragraph where he speaks.
This part is kind of random, as the three parts of the sentence don't really connect to each other.
Now, here's when things start to get confusing, and I felt like you were rushing. Khor is walking home, and then suddenly he's being told to go faster. And then, the creature suddenly has a name, and Khor is amazing. Then, we get told only a little about the day before, and we encounter a few more confusing things. Your time-line isn't really clear.
I really think that you should write out day after he first met the creature. Instead of telling us about him waking up and finding that his father had left, show us. Give us a scene of that, and then another scene of his lessons with Trannil.
And, if there are several days between his father leaving and the current scene, show them. Show us the first day of the training, his second meeting with the creature, when the creature finally introduced himself. This is all things that we want to know, before we just get shoved into the earlier scene. You at least need to show the time passing.
Here's another part that is a bit rushed, disconnected from the rest of it. Why did Khor wait so long to ask this? What is a Deamon? And why is the creature so reluctant to tell him about it?
All in all, very interesting. I like the whole mystery to it, although the time jump needs some work. I really like the creature, which is why I do want more of an introductory scene with him, and I like Khor. I really am interested in reading what comes next.
PM me if you have any questions, and good luck with your writing!