whoa Pol this was so freaking awesome!!! It sent chills down my spine, I agree with the user above me, coolio names
love ya your friend as always
-Max
Sweat poured off his head as he ran, mouth open, panting from the physical exhaustion that was beginning to settle in. The muscles in his legs began to cramp after having propelled the frail boy’s body for so long.
The tall thin trees shot up all around him, blocking the sun he had come to hate so long ago. As he ran he disturbed the fine carpet of settled leaves that had taken all of fall to position themselves in that exact manner. The soft sound of running water rang gently to the boy’s right, there being a small stream he had avoided for some time, because of where it led.
He suddenly stopped, feet only inches away from the sudden drop. The water from the stream to his left poured out into empty space and disappeared into the darkness below.
The boy angrily brushed his sweat drenched black hair aside. The liquid was seeping into his eyes and blurring his vision which he remedied by rubbing them. The ten year old boy swore under his breath as he turned while hearing the voices getting louder.
“Where are you hiding little Khor! Come out! Come out and play!” the voices taunted while drawing closer still. Five figures seemed to materialize from the darkness. Each were large and burly boys, most had either a club or smooth stones in hand.
One boy in particular stepped forward. He had pale blonde hair jetting out of a cap worn low on his head, nearly covering his almond eyes. He held stones in his hands and was tossing them into the air and catching them again.
“Little Khoralie… don’t wanna play?” At this, the boy heaved a stone at Khor whose ankles were at the edge of the cliff. The stone missed him by at least two feet and sailed into the seemingly endless ravine.
Though he dearly wished to, Khor kept a smirk from his face, five to one were not good odds. “Might need to practice a bit more, Jasel.” he said instead. He knew he shouldn’t have spoken but this was the bare minimum his wit would allow.
The boy with the cap, Jasel, gave what at first appeared to be a cough but was nearly instantly later to be discovered as a short laugh. Jasel then inclined his head toward a behemoth of a child to his right.
Kason stepped forward and the earth rumbled. Shoes and cloths could barely contain this mountain of a person, his head was squashed and his eyes were dilated and darting every which way.
Khor stepped as far back as he was able without falling, in doing so, cast several pebbles into the chasm. Kason held a length of wood in his left hand that he was pounding into his right as he approached.
Without a single thought or impulse, Khor turned and leapt into the darkness that gladly swallowed him. The rush of hair that followed instantly dried the sweat from his entire body. It was peaceful. Suddenly all the anger and aggression in the air seemed to fade away.
The waterfall next to him turned into a fine mist that cooled him. And slowly, every sound, smell and sight was deadened, leaving Khor with an inward emptiness. He inhaled deeply and tasted salty air, like that single day at the beach with his mother. The feeling was unexplainable. And then, all went truly dark.
Khor awoke but kept still with his eyes firmly closed. He felt soft sheets on his back and a feathered pillow under his head. He was shirtless and therefore felt the soft wool blanket that was pulled up to his chest.
He heard two voices in the room, both whispering. Khor instantly recognized one, it was his mothers, the other took him a moment. It was the village doctor, he knew because he had been to see him several times on account of Jasel and his group.
“He should have been killed. When we found him he was barely breathing.” Doctor Shall whispered.
“Will he be alright?” Khor’s mother asked.
“A stone punctured his skull and pierced his brain. All of his ribs were broken, a lung was deflated, and all of his limbs were dislocated and shattered.”
“What are you saying?” his mother persisted. Shall paused and Khor heard him sit into a creaky chair. “He’s completely healed. When Trannil brought him to me, I marked him off as dead. I did what I could to make him comfortable. When I left the room for more bandages… I came back and his body was repairing itself.”
Shall stood and came to stand over Khor. “His lung was already reinflated and each of his shattered bones were replacing themselves. It was the most extraordinary thing I have ever seen.”
Khor heard his mother draw closer to Shall. “Spark Bright?” she whispered so quietly, Khor nearly didn’t hear her. The doctor didn’t respond. He decided it was time to awaken.
Khor opened his fierce blue eyes and attempted to make a sound through his recently discovered dried out throat. He was only able to manage a quiet groan but Shall and his mother took notice.
Shall helped him sit up and the wool blanket rolled away. “How are you feeling?” the doctor asked.
“Fine.” Khor nearly instantly responded. It was a lie. Khor could easily handle the remaining bruises and cuts but the tone of which they said, Spark Bright had jarred him. Like he was turning into something.
“Do you think you can walk?” Shall asked. Stealing a deep breath Khor swiveled his body so his feet were hanging off the side of the bed. He then placed his feet on the cold wooden floors and stood.
“Increadible.” Shall whispered. He didn’t fall over but swayed slightly, the doctor moved to catch him but Khor put up a hand to stop him. Khor easily crossed the room and retrieved his black tunic that was resting on a nearby chair.
He pulled it over his head and looked expectedly to his mother. “Well doctor?” she asked. “Notify me if anything changes.” She smiled and shook his hand.
whoa Pol this was so freaking awesome!!! It sent chills down my spine, I agree with the user above me, coolio names
love ya your friend as always
-Max
wow, cool story
like the way you explain things, not exactly telling but hinting
im not gonna make a critique at the moment, too busy
other than a few typos and what has already been pointed out, well done
awsome names by the way
You have one heck of a story here....you mind creates unique imagination the kind of which rarely is ever seen. However, you could do with giving more detail of the surroundings and the boys, both Khor and the bad guys. I also advice you to change the name Spark Bright....it is a little babyish. Perhaps if you invent a name or translate it to some other language, it will be better. Th is my opinion. Make of it what you will. Good luck with the rest of the chapters 
I think I'm in love with Khor
Lol
That was absolutely captivating
You picked the perfect words to describe what you were talking about; I could practically feel the mist and utter calm of the waterfall
a couple of spelling errors,
needs a bit of polishing
perhaps some more description about a few of the characters
( the mother and doctor, for example)
but I really enjoyed reading this
So keep up the amazing work
i have to hand it to you, you do know how to make a story very action packed. just afew things you can do to improve the story
"He suddenly stopped, feet only inches away from the sudden drop." here, i would recommend scratching out the word "feet" to have the sentence make more sense.
"Where are you hiding little Khor! Come out! Come out and play!”" substitute the exclamation point in the first sentence for a question mark since the person speaking is clearly asking a question.
"The soft sound of running water rang gently to the boy’s right, there being a small stream he had avoided for some time, because of where it led." this is kind of a run on sentence. try to revise it so both statements are two seperate sentences.
thats all the criticism i have. but other than that this story is very good. keep going with it and im sure you can get it published.
hey i love your begining
i think that spark bright sounds a little fairyish
but still love the story
Polt! Your alive! 
What's been up? Sadly I missed the ending of Pure Magic, but I'll just read it when you get it published 
. Anyway, I really liked this start. You already have way better comments on it than I could give, so let me say just one thing. Once again the idea is amazing, but the grammar and style needs work. Sadly, that is what it takes, plain work, editing, more editing, and even more editing. It is a simple fact of writing that we all have to endure...I don't like it either. Anyway, I'm sure you were planning on doing that later...maybe...sometime in the future .
Anyway, glad to have you back...like I should talk .
-GJ
Story is okay but you have to think of the rational things and if it makes sense well a sotry doesnt have to make sense but a good story has to take time i mean think exactly of the subject and dont get of topic.
Grammar and spelling erorrs seem to be 1 of the writers mistake and dont get of track with one thing then another thing if its and unrational story unrational things will happen get it?
theres a beggining and a middle and a end not criss cross,
i have my mistakes and critiques are harsh but its all part of a writers learning
this story was well.... a little blunt
.go back to the story before you post anything .
Just to be clear on it yes it is a good story but when you write a sentece you have to think if it makes sense and its written properly
good story but only a few errors
Sweat poured off his head as he ran, mouth open, panting from the physical exhaustion that was beginning to settle in.
The tall thin trees shot up all around him
the fine carpet of settled leaves that had taken all of fall to position themselves in that exact manner.
Funfun, but slightly awkward wording. “leaves that had carefully fallen into their exact positions” or sumsuch perhaps. Made me smile.The soft sound of running water rang gently to the boy’s right, there being a small stream he had avoided for some time, because of where it led.
The liquid was seeping into his eyes and blurring his vision which he remedied by rubbing them.
The ten year old boy
Each were large and burly boys
He had pale blonde hair jetting out of a cap
his almond eyes
Though he dearly wished to, Khor kept a smirk from his face
in doing so, cast several pebbles into the chasm.
Without a single thought or impulse, Khor turned and leapt into the darkness that gladly swallowed him.
He was shirtless and therefore felt the soft wool blanket that was pulled up to his chest.
Khor instantly recognized one, it was his mothers
“A stone punctured his skull and pierced his brain. All of his ribs were broken, a lung was deflated, and all of his limbs were dislocated and shattered.”
“What are you saying?” his mother persisted.
I marked him off as dead. I did what I could to make him comfortable. When I left the room for more bandages
each of his shattered bones were replacing themselves
He decided it was time to awaken.
attempted to make a sound through his recently discovered dried out throat.
Khor could easily handle the remaining bruises and cuts but the tone of which they said, Spark Bright had jarred him.
“Do you think you can walk?” Shall asked.
“Increadible.” Shall whispered.
He didn’t fall over but swayed slightly
He pulled it over his head and looked expectedly to his mother. “Well doctor?” she asked. “Notify me if anything changes.” She smiled and shook his hand.
*hug*Deffinately one of the better biginnings to stories that ive read. I must admit, it seems a little far fetched that he would be found had he really run that far.. but its fantasy, so that comes in handy in different stories.
I really hope you continue with this though, it was really well written out, and i really liked it. I hope to find the next parts to this story soon.
See! Look at all the other in-depth critiques you're getting, what do you need me for? Seriously, though, I'm putting you on my list of things to at least glance at.
I see the other critiquers have already beaten me to all of the stuff I was going to point out as far as nitpicks so, so I'll just compare it to Pure Magic.
It was MUCH. BETTER. Oh my goodness, your writing style has matured a LOT. I don't know how (have you been practicing?) but this chapter was a lot easier to read, a lot more entertaining and a lot less confusing than many of the Pure Magic chapters were. I loved the mystery and the way it started out with an action scene - although I was a little confused as to why the bullies were being so blatantly mean to him and stuff. Usually bullies aren't out to KILL their victims...that might take a little explaining. Or perhaps I just missed something.
Anyway, a very good job - just a few minor things with sentence structure and spelling and punctuation and grammar, but the others got it. Nice going and I look forward to seeing more!
Yours ever, MadamoiselleKool 
This is an interesting story. The action at the beginning serves well to draw the reader in, and then Khor's mysterious healing makes them continue reading. Very good job.
The tall, thin trees shot up all around him, blocking the sun he had come to hate so long ago. As he ran, he disturbed the fine carpet of settled leaves that had taken all of fall to position themselves in that exact manner.
The ten year old boy swore under his breath as he turned, [s]while[/s] hearing the voices getting louder.
the voices taunted while drawing closer [s]still[/s].
Each were large and burly boys, most had either a club or smooth stones in hand.
One boy in particular stepped forward.
At this, the boy heaved a stone at Khor whose ankles were at the edge of the cliff.
Though he dearly wished to, Khor kept a smirk from his face; five to one were not good odds.
He knew he shouldn’t have spoken but this was the bare minimum his wit would allow.
The boy with the cap, Jasel, gave what at first appeared to be a cough but was nearly instantly later to be discovered as a short laugh.
Kason stepped forward and the earth rumbled. Shoes and clothes could barely contain this mountain of a person. His head was squashed and his eyes were dilated, [s]and[/s] darting every which way.
Khor stepped as far back as he was able without falling and, in doing so, cast several pebbles into the chasm. Kason held a length of wood in his left hand that he was pounding into his right as he approached.
Without a single thought or impulse, Khor turned and leapt into the darkness that gladly swallowed him.
The rush of hair that followed instantly dried the sweat from his entire body.
Suddenly all the anger and aggression in the air seemed to fade away.
[s]And[/s] Slowly, every sound, smell and sight [s]was[/s] deadened, leaving Khor with an inward emptiness.
He inhaled deeply and tasted salty air, like that single day at the beach with his mother. The feeling was unexplainable.
Khor awoke, but kept still, with his eyes firmly closed.
He heard two voices in the room, both whispering.
Khor instantly recognized one, [s]it was [/s]his mother's, but the other took him a moment. He soon recognized it as [s]It was[/s] the village doctor's, [s]he knew because[/s] he had been to see him several times on account of Jasel and his group.
“He should have been killed. When we found him he was barely breathing.” Doctor Shall said [s]whispered[/s].
“Will he be alright?” [s]Khor’s[/s]his mother asked.
“A stone punctured his skull and pierced his brain. All of his ribs were broken, a lung was deflated, and all of his limbs were dislocated and shattered.”
“What are you saying?” his mother persisted.
Shall paused and Khor heard him sit into a creaky chair. “He’s completely healed. When Trannil brought him to me, I marked him off as dead. I did what I could to make him comfortable. When I left the room for more bandages… I came back and his body was repairing itself.”
The doctor didn’t respond. He decided it was time to awaken.
Khor opened his fierce blue eyes and attempted to make a sound through his recently discovered dried out throat.
He was only able to manage a quiet groan but Shall and his mother took notice.
Shall helped him sit up and the wool blanket rolled away.
“Fine.” Khor nearly instantly responded. It was a lie. Khor could easily handle the remaining bruises and cuts but the tone of which they said, Spark Bright had jarred him. Like he was turning into something.
“Do you think you can walk?” Shall asked.
The kid almost dies, his bones were crushed, and then miraculously healed, and he asks the kid to walk? I would think that they would keep the boy in bed, and do a full check up, investigation, before they even allow him to move a finger.“Well doctor?” she asked. “Notify me if anything changes.” She smiled and shook his hand.
Hey! this was really well writen, but i have a few suggestions. I would say that your story needs much more describing of the enviorment and of emotions.
the first part of the story was better described, but slowly started to wear off. the very begining was good:
Sweat poured off his head as he ran, mouth open, panting from the physical exhaustion that was beginning to settle in. The muscles in his legs began to cramp after having propelled the frail boy’s body for so long.
The tall thin trees shot up all around him, blocking the sun he had come to hate so long ago. As he ran he disturbed the fine carpet of settled leaves that had taken all of fall to position themselves in that exact manner. The soft sound of running water rang gently to the boy’s right, there being a small stream he had avoided for some time, because of where it led.[/quote]
but as you went farther on you started to discribe less and less. Try to do what you did in the begining!!Khor heard his mother draw closer to Shall. “Spark Bright?” she whispered so quietly, Khor nearly didn’t hear her. The doctor didn’t respond. He decided it was time to awaken
This is well-written, and I like how it begins.
The boy angrily brushed his sweat drenched black hair aside
Each were large and burly boys, most had either a club or smooth stones in hand
Though he dearly wished to, Khor kept a smirk from his face, five to one were not good odds
Khor instantly recognized one, it was his mothers, the other took him a moment.
He didn’t fall over but swayed slightly, the doctor moved to catch him but Khor put up a hand to stop him.
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