Eli Striker

ED here to review!

First off, I am going to make a huge assumption here and guess that this is meant to be classified under “historical fiction.” Now, it doesn’t have to be entirely “historical,” I understand. But it does seem to take place during the age of high seas piracy and other such historical nautical matters.

That being said, I am structuring this review with a view towards at least slight historical accuracy, a la Pirates of the Caribbean style. If I’m completely off here and this is some eclectic blend of modern and 18th century elements, then by all means ignore my comments on historicity.

Without further ado:

My eardrums rattled painfully as a behemoth of a wave crashed onto port,

“A behemoth of a wave” can be used, but so can the less-clunky “a behemoth wave.”

throwing boats into the nearby markets and knocking down street stores.

Hmm. Normally, you would have the docks in between the ships and the streets, and the streets in between stores and markets. You’ve seen pictures of old harbors, they have crates stacked up everywhere. You can make the chaos here more detailed and interesting.

I watched as people scrambled over each other frantically away from the ocean,

“I watched as people frantically scrambled over each other, trying to move away from the ocean.”
You can use “other frantically away,” but it doesn’t sound very “smooth” or natural, if you know what I mean.

At the same time, another whizzing sound fell from the sky and BOOM!

So, if your character happens to live in the 18th century (again, I’m assuming here,) he would most likely talk and use expressions that would be appropriate to that time frame. Meaning, if he’s middle class or higher, he’s going to have a more extensive vocabulary (generally speaking) than what we employ today. He’s also going to structure his sentences differently, have different “cadences” in his speech, etc. You’ve seen historical films, right? You know how those guys sound when they talk. Even if they’re from a poorer class they still talk much differently then how
we talk today.

That all being said, he would probably be more specific when describing the “whizzing sound.” While you don’t want to over-use it, keeping a thesaurus handy can help give an extra amount of succinct, interesting vocabulary. Try and get inside his head. How does Eli sound like? It’s hard to slip into your own voice in first person, try and keep him in character.

Again, a monster wave hurtled onto port and I was knocked off my feet. My head collided with stone.

You could just put “Another wave.” “Again” is… odd when coupled with “a wave.” “Again” suggests the same wave.

“Oh, my god!”

Just as an aside, you need to indicate that there is a break in time here. The transition is very sudden, and doesn’t seem to make much sense.
Also, if people are running around in mass panic, they might not pay that much attention to a solitary figure lying in the street. After all, there are probably already a lot of bodies lying around.

I never fell unconscious before, so all these rushed voices sounded weird.

“I never fell unconscious before” should be something more like “I had never fallen unconscious before.” Or “I had never lost consciousness before.”

My sight was fuzzy, and everything was going in slow-mo.

“Slo-mo” is a 20th century term that arose through filmmaking. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be using that term way back when. Try to avoid modern colloquialisms.

“God, I can’t even leave you for one friggin’ minute, can I?”

Same thing here with “friggin.” Even if this isn’t historical, mentioning ships and wagons and such gives the reader a certain mental image of what things should look like and what people should sound like. These things are distracting, as they betray their expectations.

“Wake up, Eli, or I’ll really send you into a coma.”

Now while “coma” was in use by then, it was a purely medical term and it would be surprising if this character utilized it in his vernacular, just saying.

I could make out Kray’s furrowed brows just above his blazing-blue eyes; his blonde hair was the most golden in Crezent Bridge.

This is a purely logistical question, however… why do you have this description here? Does the reader really need to know the color of his hair and eyes? Give us something more distinct about him that will identify him and impress on us instantly. Also, it’s a bit odd for Eli to be describing him like this, if you think about it.

“Dude,” I groan at the throbbing pain on the side of head. “What’s happening? Why’s everyone freaking out?”
"Dunno,"

These should be obvious to you by now, “dude,” “freaking” and “dunno.”

and slid underneath; just as I was about to holler at him, an explosion of fire landed right in the spot we were just in, shaking the ground so violently to the point where both of us were flipping like fishes out of water.

This is a run-on sentence. You need to break it up into smaller segments. Also, aren’t explosions ubiquitous with fire? Putting “an explosion of fire” is laregely redundant and slightly puzzling. You can use the more subtle “fiery explosion” or perhaps the more exciting “An explosion threw pieces of wood overhead and the barrel that had propped up my head burst into flame.” Or something like that.

Instantly, adrenaline kicked in and instincts took over.

Also a bit modern. At least it sounds modern. There are other ways to describe an adrenaline rush than bluntly stating “adrenaline kicked in.”

Both of us crawled out and tore down the roads as fast as our legs could go. We had to get out of there, out of the island.

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Wait, he just passed out and now he’s running for his life? Seems a bit too sudden and a bit unrealistic to me. In my opinion, I don’t really even see a need to knock poor Eli unconscious. If you mean to convey that a lot of time has passed since the port came under attack, there are other ways of suggesting that. Every action in your story must have a reason, and a very good one, for being there. Things must follow a logical sequence of cause-and-effect.

Overall, you have a lot of action in here, and it looks promising. However, aside from the issues on character speech, the only other problem that I see with this is the pacing.

That is to say, this thing is way too short.

You move quickly through events that clearly deserve quite a bit of “screen time.” I mean, catastrophic waves? That’s catastrophic!

Try and spend more time describing the setting, the action, etc. Utilize sight, sound, smell, touch, even taste. Stretch yourself. Brainstorm for ways that you can add unique details that will enrich and round out your story world.

Just because this is an action scene doesn’t mean you have to skimp on the details.
And doing that will help to slow things down a little more. Generally, prologues are at least two pages long. This is about two paragraphs long. Slow down! Give the readers a chance to settle into your story. (Even if the events of such story are unsettling.) More character and action and setting.

Those are my thoughts on this. This was good though, looks like you have some ideas for this. Keep going!

~ED