Loving light

Hey, there~ Now, if I am getting this right, I think this is an obvious case of "awesome first line, not sure where to go afterward", right? You got simmer, simmer, sunny love stuck in your head and couldn't bear to let it go? Well, the first thing I would recommend is to not try to stuff it in with a lot of lines structured the same way with none of the pizzazz. Nothing in this poem has anything on "simmer, simmer, sunny love", and you know and I both know it! Well, okay, there are other parts that I think are salvageable.

First, I'd like to see the whole tone slow and revolve around this. Going straight from simmering and waiting to hurrying takes away all the effect of the gorgeous word you chose to open with. And then, talking about different elements of that love, like you have to stop on everything to make it fair? Again, it weakens. It's like you know which of your children you love best, but you don't want to admit it, so you're trying to surround that ultimate love with professions of your fairness -- "I like finish, finish fiery love just as much", but you and I both know you don't love it half as much!

That said, you've got a couple of other hints of words that would do well in a poem with simmering: infect, shroud, final, swallow, and definitely that lovely lambent. Keep those. Keep those in mind, as they all fit with the quiet power of "simmer". Think of the pot on the stove and the feelings the bubbling sauce runs parallel to. What is the love you REALLY want to talk about? Don't get lost in the other elements.

That's my two cents. I'd like to see an edit. Really, I really would!

PM me or wall-post me with questions, as usual. Thank you for the read. Good luck!

Hi there, PolarBear!

Welcome back to YWS! It's really, really nice to see you around the forums again. :]
Hm.. Let me see how I can organize this review... Ah hah! I'll start from the simple and then move to the complex. First, I want to compliment how organized and neat this poem looks before even reading anything. It really stimulates the reader to enjoy it! And that's very important, because you wouldn't like them to leave because your poem looks like a chaos, would you? XD Kudos on that!

However, I think the punctuation could be way more atttractive. I did notice that each stanza is a huge sentence linked by commas even when it is not necessary. I really suggest you to replace some of those commas by periods. Why? Because it would make it easier to read and to understand, and people always appreciate not being confused. If they have to read all over again, we want that to happen because they enjoyed it too much, not because they didn't understand it.

Now, let's talk about serious stuff. Let's talk about the meat. I feel like your poem lacks something, and perhaps that is an explanation! I mean, what is really happening in your stanzas? As soon as I started reading I spotted the complexity of your words, for the poem starts with a contradiction: "Wait for me as I'd wait for you" - "Hurry, hurry loving Sun". I'm going to be honest with you, when I read this for the first time, I thought it was about a very complex person the author loved. <.> Then I realized you could have been talking about the Sun, literally. But I think as well that it could have been a metaphor; if so, let me tell you that it's a lovely one. However! I need you to clarify what is really happening. It's up to you to know what should be done, since you wrote the poem. I suppose there are two ways to do that: emphasize whatever needs to be emphasized, or add a stanza that closes the poem nicely (a ribbon for the gift).

Overall, your style is neat. I can't say I didn't enjoy how your words flow. Nice job.

~GeeLyria

Hey there!

In the first stanza. Changing "I'd" to "I" itself would probably flow smoother. As talking in the present tense.

In the second stanza, there was the "luminance" in it. The word makes me think more of glowing than brighter.

"Glowing, glowing loving star,
Shroud me in your luminance"

How does that sound?

Overall I really like this poem, especially the first lines were the two words repeat. It takes the mood of a longing for something or someone. And there isn't a particular emotion attached to it but I would use surreal to describe a moment like this.

I picture a very surreal picture with this, given the words you use.

Shroud me in your luminance.
Dazzle Dazzle starry love.
Delight your lambent lips.

These are the verses I enjoyed the most. They just show a kind of picture that is that special moment in time. Enjoyed this poem overall!