Confliction

Eek, is the second stanza about race?
Okay, I'mma comment on the material first, because I think your material might need to be tweaked to make this true and powerful. The first stanza is perfect. It's true. And the words are well-chosen and combined, but the opposite of race warfare is not ignoring the fact the people come in different shades. "Shade" is never irrelevant; it's a fact. The people who ignore it often ignore the fact that the histories and feelings of people of different shades are different and need to be understood and appreciated, not just ignored. Stating they're irrelevant often comes from those people who have never been oppressed or harmed based on their skin color, which means they're just erasing the plight that those people really do face. I think you meant well, but if you want this poem to be true, you have to write it with truth, not just intent. I'd say it would still work if you changed it to "shade is not the reason/ and colour is a miracle". That, if I'm even reading this correctly at all, communicates what you wanted to say without erasing the differences.

Also, I am not sure that the word "bitter" is the right one for the second stanza. Blissful is a word that basically erases all trace of war, but "bitter" does not erase all trace of peace, and so a word can feel peace and bitterness at the same time that bliss and war cannot really co-exist. Maybe I'm still hung up on it, 'cause it is a bitter world when some people think color is irrelevant. Maybe I am too cynical.

My last question is why did you feel the need to make the title a double-noun-ed noun? Conflict is a noun and "confliction" just double nouns it. Plus it's not a very strong title in the first place.

A good friend from YWS once told me that poem titles are not less important than the poem. They can contain hints that unlock the poem for a reader, words that bring another level to the poem, and perform any number of functions, but yours does not add anything to your poem. I think "Not yet" would fit. What do you think?

Please PM me or leave me a wall message with any replies to this review, since I don't receive notifications for replies in the thread. Good luck, and I really am sorry if I was completely off base with my interpretation. haha.

It's a nice concept, and I like the shortness of it, yet I want more.

It touches on a theme that I personally find very intriguing, and it's that the ugly stuff is just as important as that which is nice and soft. And that beauty and harmony often is found through a path of decadence.

Either leave it as it is, it works. Or expand it a bit. It's a nice piece of work.

Keep writing!

"gunpower is fragrant and blood is sweet"
I love these lines, deffinetly continue it.
perhaps talk about why some humans find blood to be sweet and gunpowder fragrant . Like discuss human concepts-lust for power and such
just an idea.

Hey there It's been a while, but I'm back! Now, about this piece:
I agree with Pilot. This is too short! I want to see more! I must've read and re-read this poem five times, trying to understand and absorb every word. I must say a few things that I absolutely adored: the way you described gunpowder and blood (two very violent images) with such simple, hauntingly innocent words stunned me. Also, I really love how you defined color as a miracle. The only criticism I have is that since it's poetry, the lines should start with capital letters. That's really it. Fantastic job here, though!

~Jess

Cool It's simple, but I like it. I think you could probably add a bit more to it, though.