An 8 year old little girl stared at a poster on her wall.
"I wish I could be like her..." It was a poster of a journalist from the Kalos Region. The old dusty poster started ripping apart, and fell of of the white wall. "No!" The girl cried, making her brown hair droop, and tears got all over her pink shirt, and red skirt.
"Lucy! Time for lunch!" a voice shouted.
"I'm not hungry, Mom!"
3 years later...
"Happy Birthday to Lucy! Happy Birthday to you!"
"So I guess I'm 11 now..." Lucy sighed, and she went back to her room to stare at that same poster, still in pieces.
"Is there something wrong?"
"Yes Mom! There is!" Lucy's Mom stared at the poster and gasped.
"So you wanted to be like her?"
"Yeah, but I still think I'm too young!"
"Lucy, you'll never be too young for anything...all you have to do is believe you can do it!" Both of them smiled and Lucy walked outside.
"Look out, world! Here I come!" She ran outside with her notebook, and pencil. "Goodbye Mom!" Her mom cried, and she accidentally got the wrapped presents wet.
"Oopsie..."
Lucy saw an old brown bush shake. A girl with yellow hair, a big hat, an orange dress, and black boots jumped out!
"Roar!"
"You can't scare me..." The same bush started shaking, but faster.
"Weedle!" It was only a Weedle.
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Prof. Oak:Weedle is the Hairy Bug Pokemon
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Weedle crawled up the girl's leg. "AAaaahh! Get it off, get it off, get it off!" Suddenly, the Weedle screamed and ran off into the darkness of a plant pile. "My name's Mary, and I do NOT have a little lamb! I can't believe how much people make fun of me!"
"And I'm Lucy, a girl who wants to be a journalist just like the famous Alexa..."
"Who told you to follow your dreams?", asked Mary while laughing.
"Stop laughing! What would you do if you were 20 years old?"
"Uh... I AM 20 years old! Haha!"
"No you're not, you're 16! You're in the Pokedaily!"
"How do people working for the Pokedaily know I'm 16!?" Lucy started to write in her notebook some notes about Mary. She peeked at the notes.
Notes: Mary
Mean, Yellow, tends to start fights with girls named Lucy...
"Hey! You're mean! Because you're way too specific!" The girls started fighting, and it was just too painful to watch. Mary had scratches, and other stuff all over her, and she ran home crying...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Ha! A pokefan I see. . .
The Knight Messenger here to review for KotGR.
So Lucy is eight, and . . . whoa! The chapter is over. So, I like short chapters, but this was too short. I need more detail as to what Lucy looks like, what Mary looks like, and stuff like that. The birthday scene went by much too fast, as were the poster scenes. I want to know more about the poster and Lucy.
Sorry if I sound harsh I don't mean to be, but I want to help. So if you fix some of those things and add some more detail it will really boost up your chapter. The story itself seems like it could be very good.
Keep it up!
Ok, so you wanted me to review your piece. XD I ain't gonna argue with that! Free points! First, I like the humor and emotion of the story a lot. Some of the dialogue really adds to this piece, but you seem to have overdone it. Try adding detail about what Lucy and everyone is doing, about the setting, and other things. It really helps a piece when you really focus on certain things like Lucy and Mary's fight. This way your story sounds more like a novel than a script. One way to excel at this is by Another thing is the constant crying. It is understood that Lucy is overemotional and cries way too much over everything, but the mother really shouldn't be crying so hard. Also, Mary seemed fine at first, but try to avoid making her seem like she's five. You can do this by staying away from words like mean, avoiding obnoxious laughter, and childish actions. A sixteen year old would much rather use sarcasm, words like nasty,ugly, disgusting, and act calmer. Otherwise, great piece! :3 I hope I don't seem like too much of a nag, and please check out my work Network of Keys! I might ask you to read the first three chapters later in the month though as I am reediting it so it will be in first person. Keep up the good work and don't be afraid to ask me for help on anything!