The eggshell gray
sky stares indifferent
as the sun drifts
across blank fields.
Curled in my burrow
of blankets and sheets.
The thin arch of spring
peeks along the foothills.
Painted under eyelids are hour
-less azure days where laying
In plaited grass, ashen skin
will flush and brown.
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138,574 Literary Works • 672,170 Reviews
Hey! I really like this poem! If I'm not mistaking, this poem is about a change in the seasons? Anyhow, I like the fact that you use a good amount of literary resources. Its very impressive the way you put them all together. Your 99 and thats impressive too XD. I don't know if you proof read your work but I think I saw some errors, maybe its just the way you wanted to write something. I always recommend a person to proofread anyways. Overall, an excellent work. Impressive, sensational, and I liked it in personal opinion. Keep it up!
Hello Plastic, Shadow here. I loved this because it painted a picture in my head. This is just amazing, even though it's rather short. I think maybe, if longer, this would be a better piece. But I think it's perfectly fine the way it is. I'll be reading some of your other works as well! Great job, keep up the good work. If you need me to look at anything else, just shoot me a PM and I'll check it out!
--Tabby
Hey plastic! Wow you're old. I've never met anyone who was 99 before. Anyways, this is a very nice poem! It is short, sweet, and to the point. One thing I want to mention. You really haven't used any commas at all in this poem except in the last stanza, you used one. Maybe this is on purpose. However, if you don't have a thing against commas, I would suggest you add some. Now don't get me wrong, no one likes a comma-happy poet. But a few here and there would help the reader. Reading a poem, you need commas to help you otherwise it's like reading something monotonal. So for example, I would make the first stanza:
This tells the reader where you want them to pause and adds meaning to your poem. I would advise you to do this for all your stanzas. The other thing that is confusing is the first two lines of the last stanza. Unless you have a really good reason to break up the word hourless, I would leave it together because it's kind of confusing this way.
I love the last two lines. You've done a very nice job with this--your imagery is beautiful! Keep writing!
Sare