Angie walked into the halls of Red View High school. She was ready to become a new senior in high school and to see her new best freinds faces . They were silent and some were goth. They did not understand the consept of High School, Angie was the only person that was paying attention.. learning. She had an eye on a new kid surrounded by girls, he had unusual skin and gleamed. He stared at her as well and winked whenever he saw her. She was a beutiful girl with tan skin and freckles, she had black hair and always wore red lipstick and tennis shoes with a pony-tail. and any kind of sports shirt. They way she whiped her hair back and fourth was irrisisible to men. they had to confront her and tell Angie everything about theirselfes. I guess that the new kid ( Liam ) Had the same feelings for her as she had for him. He wanted to make a move but he had one huge secret that Angie would not aproove
Laughter fille dthe halls as Angie saw couples kissing in the hallways. She tilted her head down as young Nerds looked at her in a flirty way. She looked at them back and acted goth, they hate goth, then the Nerds turned away. When she got away form them she acted like the real Angie. Liam bumped into her on perpose and she dropped her books as Liam and Angie both fell to the ground picking up the books. They touched hands then Angie Re-treated. Liam quietly asked her..
" Hey Angie, I heard you are not new here.. you mind showing me around this place? like after school
alone?" Asked Liam
"Umm. Liam I am not the kind of girl you want to ask to show you around this school. I go places that I am not suppose to go in, Like the boiler Room. You really want to go there with me, Because I need to get something there before I show you anywhere. are you up for that?" Said Angie
"yes, I am " Liam replied.
" Ok then I will get you afetr school." Said Angie
"Ok" Liam said back.
Then they just walked away from each other...
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
thanks and i dont take it offensive!:)
Hey, Apple here.
).
What have you done here, Pixie? You've added bits of coding which in writing the chapter you never should use. Don't worry, I am here to help but maybe you shouldn't colour code or quote anything in the future. This is a very interesting piece. Another romance Vampire story, or so your title says. I hope you have some very different, and interesting ideas so that you keep reader's reading. Now, I don't usually do grammar reviews but for you, I think I might. You really have to improve on your grammar; it seems all over the place in this story. Do not worry, I had the exact same problem though since joining this site it has improved (I hope
Before I do that though I'd just like to ask why did you make the text red? I get it with the vampire theme but studies show that readers can't absorb information if it is in the colour of red and often people get angry when they see it. Or so my teacher says. You can keep it if you want I just thought I'd put that out there.
I am going to do this a little different. Instead of breaking it up sentence by sentence like the previous reviewer, I am going to do it in paragraphs, and then leave a large explanation of my actions. It will be a big read, mind you. But you must pay attention the whole way through.
Firstly all the fullstops should be close to the sentence they're stopping. They shouldn't be hanging out in the middle of nowhere because then they just look like decoration. Also this new best friend thing set me off a little. Do you mean she has new best friends now because her old ones' ditched her like hot rocks? Sorry for the bad analogy. If so then you have to mention it. Also, she wouldn't be as close to them would she if they were new so they couldn't exactly be best friends just yet. A big thing that really helps in spelling errors is using a program that can actually pick up on bad spelling. I'm a pretty shotty speller though I use Word and that helps fix up my spelling errors. As you can see I pretty much destroyed this chapter with all the grammar edits. There is a thread that you can look that will truly help in improving your grammar, or you can review other's peices of work and pin-point what you believe to be wrong. And with the last sentence, just get rid of it. It's to suggestive and really doesn't help in the mystery of your story. Sorry, I sound like I am just throwing around suggestions but that is kind of what I am doing.
I placed this sentence on its own because I feel you can definitely add in a lot more description then this. What gender are they? Her friends have to have some differences? Yes we get that they're silent and goth though those are plain explaining words that don't offer the reader something to visualise when they try to imagine your story. Try using more airy fairy adjectives that really explain her friends. Do they have peircings? Tattoos? Do they have quirky habits? Don't give us a massive paragraph explaining every single one of them though choose one and talk about him/her, and as you do that link it back to the other characters. If you know what I mean.
I am doing the same as I did for explaining her friends. This is plain wording again, it also reminds me heavily of Twilight. Why don't you try and think up your own type of vampire. Don't make them glitter or gleam, make them something else. I don't know, a little scarier then the Twilight type. Sure you can still keep them good looking though there should at least be some differences. Here is my suggestion: get a notepad, sit down somewhere quiet and think. Really plan. If you want this story to go anywhere you have to be prepared to go the extra mile and think outside of the box not use other people's ideas. I am not saying that you do but I've seen so many paranormal romances they all sound the same now. You have talent, so don't let it go to waste.
Do you know what a Mary sue is? It's a character that seems to perfect. Now, you've mentioned that Angie's good looking and that's fine but I think that somehow you may be going over the top. Characters have to have flaws even if they look like angels. Angie looks good but if she's goth then wouldn't she have the repuatation of someone dangerous? Would people come milling around to look at her if she could 'supposedly' snap their neck? Also, readers like to be able to fall into the character's shoes and I don't think many people have guys/gals milling up to meet them and stating their undying love. I just do not think so! Yes maybe a few but the way you're putting it, this girl is angelic-like and guys line up past the block just to see her breathe! Keep the good looks but just be careful and don't make it over the top. She's good looking, yes, but not every guy will have kahunas to walk up to a goth and state their everlasting love for her, especially when that goth will kill them!
Another thing that I thought I'd mention is the immediate love story that started. It is the first paragraph and already it's kindling. Shouldn't you wait for just a little while before that happens? Unless he's a jerk then fine, but a new guy wouldn't immediately start winking at girls unless he wanted to get some.
And this is what I mean. What feelings? They just side glanced at each other! The only thing that they could possibly feeling is the rise of testerone for you know...there could be no love component in this. Now if you weren't trying to state that there was any kind of love growing between them then sorry for accusing you but if you are then you really need to re-think over that move. Yes, I do understand the love at first glance but this Liam guy, from how I read him, doesn't seem like that kind of character and I am still under the impression Angie is a smart girl though she doesn't take crap so she wouldn't be falling head over heels for a guy straight away.
Alright so one major problem I saw in this is that you double state things. I mentioned above that you said hallways twice; that is not good. It makes me stop reading flicker back into the sentence and see that you've already said that. It also breaks the little imagination bubble I formed to picture your story. Now that's a little mean. Why are you saying nerds? And why are you giving them a capital letter? It's like you're saying they're a different race. You really have to re-think this Pixie. You're clicheing (yes, it may not be a real word but all well) this school a little over the top and it makes me think of the high schools in soap operas. Try and make it a little more realistic and reconsider how you group people.
Okay, first off I thought Liam was with the other girls? I guess not then. You really need to make this move smoothly, it sounds like you're just dropping in ideas where ever you want. If you want people to really believe that Angie and Liam's stories are actually happening you have to make your words move like water over rocks not cement over rocks. In my opinion you're going to have to go over that, read it aloud and see where the hold up is. In those final sentences I was so muddled up I actually had to read your whole story all over again. For Angie's sake, just slowly pick your way through and make it more realistic. She seems interesting but I feel she's more of a mary sue character which very much bores every reader.
Do you know what this sounds like? Goth glares at nerds, nerds look away, then goth moves through. If the nerds hate goth people so much why do they look up at her in a flirtatious kind of way? Also, I do suggest getting rid of it because it just sounds wrong. But the problem I found was that you contradicted yourself again. You said she titled her head to look away from their glances and then Angie looks up and glowers at them again? It doesn't work, your best bet is to scrap it.
At first you're mentioning that Angie is a good girl then you have her saying she sneaks into boiler rooms? You really have to plan your character better Pixie! Sit down and actually write down her characteristics, for both of your main characters or else they'll just look weak. Now this was very confusing. There was not an inch of emotion in this last part, it looked like you just slopped words onto paper. Place in some verbs, adjectives...how does Angie feel about meeting 'gorgeous' Liam? If you want a reader to understand you're writing you have to get into your character's and stab out her feelings on page. Ask yourself: what would my character do? Then place it on paper. It is the only real way to creating successful dialouge!
Alright, now that that is done I am going to go through and pin-point your problems for you.
Your characters: Weak, to perfect and boring. I couldn't relate to either them in any kind of way. Liam and Angie were both good looking, Angie was smart and I can bet my cents that Liam had a brain to and they were both daring enough to sneak into a boiler room for what reason exactly? Their lines were cliche sounding also. I thought Liam at first was supposed to be a flirty-jerk though you destroyed that image for me when you continued on in your writing and instead he became boring -- one dimensional. And Angie to. I thought she lacked personality. Both your characters were like puppets that you controlled and not to well. If you want a reader to connect with any character, as I stated before, they must have flaws, period. They can be both perfect angels! Give them something, a disfiguration or tone down on their looks. This sounds like another repeat of what happened in Twilight. Angie is a goth, you stated that before and she's good looking, alright: that's good. Something different. I mostly read stories about goths who are treated like witches. But then you go onto say that people are scared of goths and hate them and yet they still perv on your MC. How does that work? If you hate someone no matter how good looking they are you will fight to make them look nothing better then a roach.
Do you want to know how I make my characters seem real? I give them faults; loads of them but then I also give them strengths. I look at other people, analyse their features and then think outside the box. What do characters in other books look like? They have straight hair well alright I'll make my MC's curly. Give them aspects that other writers tend to ignore.
Plot: Now Pixie I am sorry but I am still confused as to what your plot is. I get that it's about vampires but what else is there? If it wasn't for your title I never would've even known this was about vampires, I would've thought it was just your other high school romance story. In your first chapter there must be an indication as to what the story is going to be about, period. Where is set? Who is the main character? What time era? A brief glimpse of what is going to come in the story. You did have some of that though not enough to secure me as a reader. I suggest you really get rid of this chapter and do an over haul. Consider the adive given to you by your reviewers and continue on in your efforts. It will improve your writing and the overall quality of your story.
Now that I have gotten that all off of my chest I just want to say I mean in no way for this to be offensive. It's constructive critism that should be noted. Don't worry, everyone's first few stories will be the best. I found one of my first chapter books and I cannot believe I even wrote like that; it has to be the worst thing on the face of this universe! Through time and practice you'll improve you just have to keep working, take on critism and use it to help your writing improve. Don't feel disheartened, this is a nice start but it can be improved. A lot. Good luck.
Hello,
I am here to review your piece of work. I don't want to come off mean, just fixing and teaching so that you can become a better writer, so don't take it too personal. On to the grammatical and format errors:
There shouldn't be a space after faces.
Instead of just telling your readers they were goth give us some descriptions as to how they dressed and what their personalities were and what made them goth. Description, Description, Description!
Concept is spelled with a c.
The two .. after attention should be a comma.
That comma should be a semi-colon(;) because these are both complete sentences.
Beautiful is spelled with an a in the middle. The comma after freckles should be a semi-colon and the period after tail shouldn't be there.
What made it irresistable to men?
The t in they should be capitalized, and it should be themselves not theirselfes.
The parethesis around Liam should be commas and the h in had should be lower cased.
There should be a comma after move and a period after approved. Also approved is spelled wrong.
It should be filled the.
The n in nerds should be lower cased.
The comma after acted goth should be a semi-colon. Then should be replaced with the word so, and the n in nerds should be lower cased. Also, how do you act goth?
From is spelled wrong.
Purpose is spelled wrong and there should be a comma after purpose.
The r in retreated should be lower cased.
The two .. should be a comma.
There shouldn't be a space between the quotation and hey. This dialogue is really unrealistic. He should say something like I eard you were nice can you show me around. Also, the question mark after place should be a comma.
This shouldn't be quoted; that's only for when you are reviewing someone elses work, and you already said Liam asked so just take away asked Liam.
There should be a comma after Liam. The period after Umm should be a comma. If she didn't think she should be showing him around she would just tell him no, not go into a long explanation that she's a bad girl and he shouldn't be around her. You really should try and listen to conversations. People don't talk like this. It'll help you make your dialogue more realistic.
The l in like should be lower cased, and the r in room should be lower cased.
The b in because should be lowercased.
The a in are should be capitalized because it is the beginning of a sentence. The s in said should be lowercased and there should be a period after Angie.
The y in yes should be capitalized, and there should be a comma after am.
Okay is spelled wrong. There should be a comma after okay. The period after school should be a comma. The s in said should be lowercased, and there should be a period after Angie.
Okay is spelled wrong, and there should be a comma after okay.
The ... should just be one period.
This story made no sense at all, and i hope I wasn't too mean pointing out those mistakes. I don't want you to be discouraged, so why don't you take a look in the community forums and check out all of our helpful tips on how to make your writing better. If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask.
Have a great day,
Tiffany