Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Prologue~
My hands touch my father’s gravestone. The carving of his name haunts me and the slight rustle of the leaves below leave me wondering. Why would he just leave me like that? What’d I do?
-----
I still remember that night, when I came home from a hard day at work to see him dead in his bed; a gun by his side, and family pictures spread all over the room from when my mother had died years ago. Maybe he was drunk. Maybe he was taking pills that I didn’t know about. Maybe he was just depressed.
Who knows, really. All that I know is that I’ll find out, and when I do I’ll try to fix it for my little brother. He’s going into high school soon, and he needs to focus on the studies more than his father’s death. I haven’t even told him yet. He’s in Australia for a school trip.
My name is Allison Charter. My brother’s name is Kodie Charter. We live in Kansas, and sometimes I drive Kodie to the outskirts of the city just to see one of those drive-in movies. We
used to always go to those with our mother. Our mom, Jenna, got killed in a car accident by some drunk teenagers. Obviously they got arrested. One of them went to my school though, and their sister got killed in the same situation, her being in the backseat. It’s kind of morbid if you think about it.
-----
My crystal blue eyes look over the graveyard, the raindrops hitting me hard, and decide against telling Kodie tonight. He has a big final tomorrow. I stand and dust off the wet gravel from my jeans, my brown hair tied in a messy bun atop my head. I throw on my hoodie and zip it up,
tossing the hood up. My car still on and waiting for me, I bend down to pick up my keys before standing. Right when I do, a man stands there. He just stares at me and I take a shaky step back, “Can I help you?”
“Are you Harold’s daughter?” He asks, his deep voice and masculine. He looks around forty-five years old, and I hesitantly nod.
“And…you are?”
“I am Joseph Anderson, lawyer, secretary, and detective,” He offers his hand.
I don’t shake it right away, “And what can I do for you?”
“Your father was a police man, am I right?”
I nod and he smiles, “I might have something to figure out why your father was scared.”
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello! So recently you signed up for our Secret Santa event and unfortunately Santa didn't make it to your house, but he has asked me to come and deliver your two reviews instead! I'll try to choose from your most recent work so let's start with this one...
This line is a little awkward because of the two uses of leaves with their different meanings. What I would suggest instead is:Specifics
1.
The carving of his name haunts me and the slight rustle of the leaves below has me wondering.
2.
Overall
I like the premise you're working with here and I found the persona to be a very likeable character. What I will say is there's perhaps a bit too much telling instead of showing in that you tell us what things have happened in the past and throw a bit too much information at us, instead of describing the current scene and her emotions. It gives the writing a slightly stiff feel and that's something you want to avoid.
I like the introduction of the detective though and like I said, I like where you're going with this. A sort of murder mystery focusing on the family left behind.
Good luck with this!
Just keep writing
Heather xx
Review time with Sushi!
Okay, so overall this had a nice feel to it, in the sense that it gave a melancholy and depressing mood. The way this was written kind of get's your voice as an author across, even better so when read aloud.
What I would tweak a bit is how you explained Allison's situation. You were very blunt and just seemed to ramble on about everything that had happened in the past. It's okay to slow it down and reveal it throughout the story with more subtle hints. Here it just seemed like you were listing all the people that died and how.
I like the way you kind of revealed Allison's age, that was well done. I just normally don't think of a little brother being in high school, but that was a good change too.
I look forward to seeing where you go with this. I don't get what the title has to do with the story, but I'm sure you'll find some unique way to tie the two together. Good luck!
Sushi
This is a really nice introduction. You have given us a nice little teaser of the story to come as well as a bit of information on the seemingly two main characters. There is the right amount of detail to give us an insight into what to expect without giving anything away. The way you only give us the bare bones of what happened to their mother adds to the nice short and sweet introduction. You tell us what we need to know to start the story and don't overload us with useless information at this point.
It is a little confusing where you have Allison say that she hasn't told Kodie about his fathers death yet because he is on a school trip but then he has finals the next day so she won't tell him that night? I find it a bit odd that if he has gotten back from the school trip then why hasn't he questioned where his father is? I know you will most likely give more detail in the next chapter and as the story goes on but it doesn't make sense here so it just needs straightening out a bit, you don't need to go into detail.
There are no grammatical or spelling errors that I can see which is awesome! Overall, I enjoyed this piece and am looking forward to the first chapter where we will hopefully find out more about Joseph and what he has to say. Also, like wholesomereader said, it is a confusing him saying about her father being scared when it hasn't been mentioned before that he was scared. All we know, so far, is that he committed suicide and Allison is trying to figure out why. It just seems a bit out of the blue.
Keep up the good work! ~ Valkyrie
Hey Katie!
Shady here with a review for you this fine afternoon. c:
I like how you start this piece. The gravestone with that bit of guilt in the "What'd I do?" is a nice effect. It could stand a bit more description (i.e. Explain more *how* the MC touched her father's gravestone. Did her fingertips just graze the top of it, the last thing of her Father's still within her reach-- or did her fingers curl around it so tight her knuckles turned white as she clung to it as bitterly as she did his memory. Very different scenes.)
More imagery would really help to capture one's attention, though what you have now is decent. I'm reading on at least.
***
The next sentence, right after the little break, is a bit too long. Don't get me wrong. I /adore/ long sentences, and it always makes me happy to see long, complex sentences. The only thing that struck me as odd is how ordered and logical the sentence is. I mean, this is a narrative. It's supposed to be told by a (presumably young) woman who recently lost her father to suicide. She's not going to be rational. Her thoughts are going to be more fragmented. More distant. More gory.
"I still remember that night. The night I came dragging myself into the house after a hard day's work. I was exhausted, and hungry. The hunger grew stronger with each minute that passed, and was finally starting to outweigh the exhaustion, as I dropped my keys on the hall table. I needed to eat. I thought I'd make myself a sandwich, out of the left over ham from supper the previous night.
"I remember thinking of Father. Thinking that he'd want a sandwich too; wondering if he'd want cheese. I wasn't sure, so I decided to ask. I called his name. No answer. I figured he must be in his room. He could never hear me very well when he sat in his room. I hauled myself up the stairs, my back aching, feet starting to throb.
"I stopped just at the top of the stairs and called to him again. Still no answer. Sighing, I pushed the door to his bedroom the rest of the way open. Father was lying on his bed, the sheets below him saturated with crimson blood, a large, gaping hole in the center of his head. A revolver was lying by his side, still clenched in his fist. Old pictures were strewn across the bed, thrown on the floor."
...Okay. You don't have to go into that much description. Imagery is a weakness of mine. I can't stop myself from describing things in great depth, including lots of details, however gory they might be. However, imagery *isn't* a bad thing. It slows things down, and makes people hungry to read more.
***
Meh. The rest of that bit, before the next line of dashes, isn't the most brilliant I've ever seen. It's passive. People want action. Want to feel involved. That's just an information dump. You can write it better. I know you can.
I will leave a few examples, because I despise when people leave me with 'change this' but don't give any ideas as to how. So ideas would be to have her think about her little brother. Have her think of him affectionately. "I hadn't even told him about Father, yet. He was in Australia, on a school trip, blissfully unaware that anything was wrong in his home, here in Kansas. I knew I'd have to tell him, eventually. I didn't savor the thought. He'd always been so innocent, so breakable-- I didn't want to have to watch as the news sank in, and broke his little heart."
You may be able to make her think about her "Dearest little Kodie." or something. Or make her have a flashback of how Kodie couldn't pronounce her name when he was little, and called her "Allisfon" instead. Or of how she'd sort of become Kodie's mother, when their mother died in a car crash.
I don't see how information about the drivers being drunk, going to her school, or getting arrested is pertinent in the least.
Ooh, another opportunity to introduce the MC.
^^"Are you Harold's daughter?" He asked, his voice deep and gravelly.
I looked at him suspiciously. He was middle aged, his hair beginning to gray at the temples-- far too old to have any interest in a girl of my age. But if he knew Father...it was worth the risk. I nodded once, briskly, wiping my palms on my pants legs. "I am. The name's Allison. Allison Charter." ^^
***
Ehhh, he's a lawyer, secretary, *and* detective? Lawyers and detectives usually keep rather busy. Secretaries do too, depending. I don't think that's very believable. Besides, even if he *was* all three, I highly doubt that he'd introduce himself as such. It would depend on what he's more proud of.
"I'm Detective Anderson, with the--" (research believable positions in Kansas)
or
"I'm Joseph Anderson Esquire, joint partner of the Anderson and Anderson Law Firm."
or something. It doesn't really matter. Just make it sound more official. More mature and grown up.
***
Alright. I'm interested.
I want to know who this Joseph Anderson is, and what his angle is. What did he mean that her Father was scared? Is he legit, or is he scamming her? I want to know what's going to happen. I actually want to read on.
If you need any more help or have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.
Keep writing!
-Shady
Over all a good story, I would like more, IF it was a chapter, but it's not, so it is alright. And to point this out, what do you mean by her father being scared? A little more on that it would be better, but my best bet is that it was a homicide, by somebody that wanted revenge. Am I spoiling it for you? But as always there is a question. By WHOM wanted her father dead? That is for me to read, and you to know. Go ahead and read mine if you want.