Little author bit : Well, this is my first time actually writing a long story with chapters and all of that properly FOR people. Please review and comment on this, since I still have a lot I need to learn.
(Part 1)
My name is Erin Hathaway. I was always the quiet, awkward and studious kid at the back of the classroom. Some girls would stare at me, and laugh about me behind my back. The guys just don't care, and honestly it's all just a big hit to my self-esteem. Now it was my third year of high school. So far, I made friends, except they all stabbed me in the back and mixed in with the wrong crowd. They went to cliques, got boyfriends and they slowly started to drift away from me...
The only thing that I actually liked were video games, and obviously since I made myself into the quiet and shy person in the class, I couldn't really say that. Even if I acted like myself, I would probably get ridiculed and bullied. Well, right now, doing that is lame. But who knows? Maybe another 'I love nerds' fad will come up.
This time, it'll be different. I'll find a really nice girl, be best friends with her and hopefully this time she won't leave me behind! Or so I thought. I was excited about meeting new people, but over half of my classmates are from my previous classes, and I hate all of them. Really, what's up with all of them? I don't understand why they don't focus on their studies and go party and whatever, unlike them, I actually care about my future.
The teacher, Mrs. Osborne, was rambling on and on about how she teaches, and the rules of her class. Honestly, I couldn't care less, class rules are always the same. Just complete your homework on time, don't interrupt the teacher and keep quiet. While I was daydreaming and staring at the whiteboard behind Mrs. Osborne. she suddenly clapped her hands and said that we were going to introduce ourselves to each other. Wait, what?
I hate this class already, and it hasn't even been an hour. Seriously, I don't get why we have to introduce ourselves. On the list of the things I like, introductions are rather high on that list. Maybe it's because I'm awkward and I don't want anything to do with these people, or I just hate people in general. It's probably a combination of both, but I'll just listen since I don't have anything else to do.
Yawning, I put my elbows on my desk and rested my chin on my palms. Mrs. Osborne told us to start introducing ourselves, starting from a tall and lanky boy in the first row at the extreme right. It seems that it'll take a long time for the others to introduce themselves before it was my turn. Then, I patiently waited for my turn while doodling on a memo pad.
Suddenly, I heard someone shout. "Hi! Nice to meet you!"
Oh god, this is probably the stereotypical loud guy in a class. However, I was slightly amused. I turned towards him, and listened to him introduce himself. When I heard what he said, my eyes widened.
"I'm Jayden Garrett and I like video games and stuff." What did he just say, now?
Now that I think about it, he's not bad-looking, either. It seems that there were some people who actually liked video games, or maybe I'm just getting my hopes up. Maybe he just likes really overrated first person shooters and was the type of person to spout curses from the microphone. After all, I was more interested in RPGs. But if we have the same taste in games, this could turn out rather well! This is my chance to get a friend, and possibly a boyfriend.
"Well, nice to meet you guys. Other than that, I have no idea what to say, so I'll just sit right back down." Jayden grimaced as he fell back onto his chair, and fell on his bottom.
I giggled a little, since he was just so amusing. Who is this guy, and how can he be so funny, goofy and straightforward? Mrs. Osborne sighed as she told Jayden to sit down, and I listened to the others introduce themselves while I played rock-paper-scissors with myself. Just after I lost to myself, Mrs. Osborne cleared her throat.
"Erin Hathaway, it's your turn to introduce yourself. Erin Hathaway, stop daydreaming." Then, I lost for the fifteenth time.
"Darn it!" I exclaimed loudly.
Maybe too loudly. When I looked up, the entire class was staring at me, some of the students were giggling or laughing. I pretended to laugh, and introduced myself.
"I'm Erin Hathaway, and I like reading and... Stuff. Let's get along, shall we?" Smiling awkwardly, I slowly sat down.
I knew I should've paid attention in class, people were already talking about me. Not in a good way, either. Now, people know me as the chick who shouted in the middle of introductions while using hand signs. This year will definitely be different, since I am currently the class clown.
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138,546 Literary Works • 672,154 Reviews
I like it! keep writing.
Thanks, I'll keep writing!
Hello,
I think you do some interesting things with this as an introduction, and I'm curious to see what else you have in store further along the line. If this is leading into a romance, it's always intriguing to play around with the concept of meeting someone when you least expect it.
That being said--and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, since it's only the chapter--this feels somewhat unoriginal. There are so many stories written from the point of view of the outsider. If Erin doesn't have any friends and doesn't care what people think about her, why is she so closed up about liking video games? It almost might be more interesting for her to be one of the popular girls and she can't tell anyone about liking video games because she's worried about her reputation among her group of friends.
One thing you also do a lot in this piece is tell instead of show. As a general rule of thumb, you should try to avoid starting stories like "Hi, my name is…my personality traits are…" Doing so takes away from the reality of the story because we don't get to respond to the action of the piece and make inferences for ourselves. Have it start on the first day of school, she goes into class. No one wants to be her partner. She doesn't like being in school because it's always the same old, same old. Instead of just saying people talk about her, have her overhear a conversation in the hallway. Doing so will strengthen the reality of this much more.
Good luck! I hope this helps, feel free to send me a PM if you have any questions/want me to take a look at the next chapter.
Yeah, since I'm not really good with writing the first few sentences of a story. Well, about being popular... There is something that I'm going to put in about being popular in the next chapter, I think.
Thanks for giving me advice, and offering to help me with my next chapter! Maybe I'll tell you about my plans to fleshing out the characters when I finally plan it out.
Wow, this is totally amazing!
I, as a gamer and being quieter than most in my class, can totally relate here, which means that you've done a great job at making your character realistic and intriguing.
Once I started reading, I seriously could not stop, I really enjoy reading good writing, and you are most certainly a good writer.
Perhaps introduce some more people into the story, I mean, of course you're going to, but I have strong faith you'll do just as good a job!
Great work! A follow, gift, review and like from me!
-CFG
Thank you, I'm glad to hear that the main character is relatable. It's also good to know that you really like this story, and hopefully I can keep this up.
I'll be introducing some more people, thank you for the advice. Thank you for the follow, gift, review and like. That really helps, so I appreciate it.
Not too bad. As someone who was awkward in school (and, honestly, still pretty awkward now.) I could say you've pegged the attitude pretty well. But, there's also a feeling that the reactions of her classmates aren't really genuine. I was made fun of in school, a lot, but I also had a group of friends who appreciated me for who I was, and that should be something in your story as well. You should have a few people who talk to her, that she doesn't realize could be her friends. Having her be a complete outcast is a little unrealistic. I think you should explore how she feels like an outcast, but it's just a result of her feeling like no one could like her, as she mentions in the story.
Thanks, and I think I'm going to develop her further in the next chapter. Of course she can't go by school without having at least one person who is willing to listen to her.
I've been thinking of turning this a straight from romance, to sort of like a friendship story after your little review.