It started with a baby. The daughter of Queen Amaria,queen of Paxtan and the most beautiful child in the kingdom. Her name was Rapunzel. On the day of her christining, a feast that had been in the making for seven months was thrown. Earls and their Wives, Lords and their Ladies all came, bringing their sons and hoping for them to become the next king of Paxtan.
"The King surveyed the crowd and said, "Well, dear, do you see any potential?"
The Queen sighed. "I don't see why I have to be the one to choose."
Wanting to choose the best for her only child, Amaria denied any nobles. She did not want her beautiful Rapunzel married to a bad family. Eventually King Wilhelm grew restless as the nobles came and went, so when Lord and Lady Sanatera aproached with their son Byren, he accepted, ignoring the viscious glare his wife threw him. In a matter if minutes, His baby daughter was bethrothed to be married. Angry and flusterd, Amaria opened her mouth to object when the gilded throne room doors flew open. All the dancing stopped as a tall, beautiful women walked with such grace she apeared to be floating. She swept into a curtsy, her crimson skirts billowing gently around her. Her ebony Hair was swept onto her head with pearls, an uncommon color and style in Paxtan. Her full lips were rose red, as if painted, and Her eyes were shockingly bright shade of violet, and the most beautiful the Lords and ladies of Paxton has ever seen. Everything about her was bold and breathtaking. she looked opposite of the queen, with her long blond locks, silky and pale, curling gently down her slender body. Her pale skin, glowing in the light the chandelier gave off, and her eyes, a hazel more green than brown. She was the famed beauty of Paxtan. Even so, the Crowd gasped at the mysterious woman's Otherworldly beauty.
" Your ladyship" the stranger said, a silken accent in her voice.
"I am Aurialla, Lady of Gilmore, a country far away from you were magic blooms like flowers."
The crowed whispered among themselves. Magic? A thing of faerie tales. A common belief, until now "I am King Linien's teller, or sorceress as you call it here.
She extened a small, ivory colored hand and a flood of light rushed towards it. The light danced across the ball room and it glowed the most breathtaking and vibrant colors anyone had ever seen. Aurialla closed her hand over it, and when she opened it, a pendant layed in her palm. The ball had become a gem, less bright, but equally beautiful. Aurialla streached out her hands, and a slender chain flowed through the pendant. When she finished, and beautiful pendant layed in her palm. She knelt over and clasped it around Sleeping Rapunzel's neck. The crowd stood silently, afraid of breaking the magic. Then Aurialla broke the silence.
"I had a prophecy about your daughter and His Lordship sent me here, as any ally would do. He believes you have the right to know your daughter's future"
" Well get on with it maiden, we have no patience for idleness in this kingdom." The king said, his gruff, impatient manner getting the best of him
" He means the king has no patience for idleness. Continue Lady Aurialla." The queen corrected in a gentle tone, contradicting her husband.
" No, his Lordship is right, idleness shall not be tolerated." Aurialla responded with a sly smile and a gleam in her violet eyes.
In a silky, beautiful voice, the mysterious teller closed her eyes and began to sing.
"Far away, so far away in paxtan of the green, green hills a child princess is born in rosy dawn
she shall be betrothed to the heir of Sanatera
but before she can marry she must go so far away
to be princess of the ivy tower
the most beautiful in all the land, she shall be pursued by her cheated groom
to take away the lady of the ivy tower forever as his bride
the lady of the long, long locks, lady of the tower, the lady of the castle shall be married after this.
The room was silent. A room full of finely dressed nobles struck speechless by the enchanting melody.
Amaira looked over at her husband. If they refused this woman, Gilmore could declare war. And prophacies were nothing to be trifled with. Fifty years ago, during King Aranii's reign, a prophacy had been made about his newborn son, and when he refused to take the first step of fulfilling the prophacy, he was warned. The next day his son died. The thought terrified Amaria, so she took the first step.
" I know the tower of which you speak." Amaria said in a voice so quiet it was almost a whisper. " Three days ride from here lays a ivy-grown tower, it used to be part of Paxtan's royal castle. All that lays there now is the east wing and the tower. It's a big area, enough for both of you to live in comfortably. Surrounded by woods and water, its one of the most beautiful places in our kingdom. If we give you are blessing, will you take our daughter to this place, and fulfill the prophecy?
Amaria glanced at her husband, more to avoid looking at the crowd than to get approval. He nodded, his deep brown eyes masking emotion. The Queen shook as she said this, her proud mask faltered, and she looked like was on the verge of tears.
" Of course your Ladyship, your sweet Rapunzel is safe with me." Aurialla responded with a gleam in her eye like before.
Amaria called the servants and had them pack her beloved girls belongings and went to kiss her daughter one last time while the crowd stood in silent awe.
End of chapter
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Hey! Wow, this is long, but long means good. This is actually surprisingly good. I liked it alot, how you started it off as: "It started with a baby," Very clever. Well done, you should keep writing, this could be a good story in your hands.
Also, I like the name. Hazel. It's a really catchy word and I really like it.
Keep writing!
Hey Saku! Happy Review Day!
I've never been able to work out what a prologue is all about. Some writers put them as kind of an introduction to their story, some use them as an essencial part of it, and some simply put them in as the first-chapter-they-never-used.
In some cases this prologue is as important as the first chapter, it could drag your reader in, or throw them off. It seems like a retelling of a common fairy-tale, which is likely to be a put off, unless you add a twist and use it as a demonstration of what the rest of the story is going to be like. For example, if it's going to be a very enchanting story, you should spent a little more time focusing on this stranger. What is it about her that is so enchanting? Maybe she smells of a foreign place, or maybe she wears some strange blue metal in the same way we would wear gold. If it's a story of royal affairs you would spend longer on a possible conversation between the king and queen.
Think of what your aim is in your story, and use the prologue as a way of demonstrating your style of writing and the themes involved.
Hi Saks! Its me again! I have decided to review all of Hazel {so far} cause I need points.XD and I love reviewing your work!!!
Nitpicks:
1.
Spoiler
Maybe this should be Empiress of PaxtonIt adds some varitey.
2.
Spoiler
I think you should delete this you and replace it with a here
3.
Spoiler
On both of these, you forgot the " at the end.
Overall:
Grammar:
You tend to forget "" and that could confuse your reader. It confused me.
Other than that, your grammar is completly fine.
MC/C:
We don't know anything yet, but I think a description of baby Repunzal should be given. Not a big, just a description so we know what baby Hazel looks like.
Plot/storyline:
The plot is evident, even in the first chapter. It's easier to write a novel that already has a secure plot, because you can use your creativity more to make the plot that has been done over some many time yours. I think you will be really good at this, because it is evident you acutally did spend time editing the previous plot to make it your own.
Notes:
1]Throughout I felt it flow smoothly. No sudden changes in dialogue, no quick scene flips. This is a sign of a good writer.
2] prologue is spelled p-r-o-l-o-g-u-e (just a little note, since that jumped out at me) ALWAYS run spell check and make a quick run-through to make sure you haven't missed anything. Even the best writers make mistakes.
Thats all for now,
Bye!
~pointe
Hey Sakura! So this caught my attention because I'm also working on a Rapunzel retelling, but it's considerably difficult. Still, it's interesting to see other people's takes
I.NITPICKS
Lives generally do start out as babies.
Okay, why all the weird capitalisation?
marriage.
of minutes.
II. PROOF-READING
I can't tell you how important this is. Always use spell-check, and always check over your work yourself afterwards. Sloppy grammar just gives a bad impression. Try and revise dialogue punctuation as well, there are some good articles in the YWS Knowledge Base on it and once you work it out it's easy as 3.14.
III. SHOW AND TELL
So this is a big conflict on YWS. If you tell us things, we get the information about your story, like: her parents wanted to arrange her marriage. If you show us it, you can give us a snippet of their conversation: do they both agree to it? Whose idea is it in the first place? Just, for example, instead of saying, "The Queen got to choose," you could do something like:
"The King surveyed the crowd and said, "Well, dear, do you see any potential?"
The Queen sighed. "I don't see why I have to be the one to choose."
You see? It gives more life to the story! And that's just one example of one way of doing it. The more you show us and the less you tell us, the better!
IV. OVERALL
I'm intrigued
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
I really hope this is better, because I spent an hour editing this and chapter 1
Hello!
So I am going to grant your wish and comment on your story. Happy now?
Ok, so overall it was really good. Ecspecially at the beginning you explained the scene pretty well. Detail could be added. I'm still kinda confused on why the princess was taken away. I mean come on, the King and Queen are just giving there first and only daughter away to some stranger? What's the motive? The one implied (that you can state) is that they don't wanna cause a war between their countries. The majical lady could use some of her magic to show them what it looks like or something. There could be tons of reasons it's what you want that you can pick. Detail needs to be added generally. Honestly think of it like a movie in your head. What's going? Describe everything using the senses. When your first writiing it it's fine to have ALOT of detail/there's never too much. Then you can go and see which one's you think aren't necassary. Remember you gotta let your readers imagine the story too, so yes the actual story can't have to much detail. I look forward to a revised addtion Pip after putting all this effort into writing you a second review!
Just to let you know, a "parody" doesn't have be exact. " Fairest" by Gail Carson Lavign (if that's how you spell it) had was snow white, and she had the same things (red lips, white skin, black hair) but she was really ugly. And no, i'm not sick of you. Isn't that what thing website is for?
Okay that helped clear a lot of things up:)
But I still say you need to attach them together.
I'm torn with the parody thing. Because it sounds a little different from the repunzal I know, but then I can still see the main story line. But I really liked it. I've always liked the story of repunzal (but I know that your story won't be quite the same) and I'm excited for the new repunzal movie that's coming out.
I hope to read more on your novel and I hope your not sick of me:)
Hey there sakura! It's Spork, and I'll be reviewing this today. First, I'm going to go through your piece and point out mistakes, if any, and then move on to actual comments. Red would be grammar errors, green would be word choice, and purple is my commentary.
Okay, so now on to my comments.
Grammar:
Your spelling and grammar have obviously improved since the last reviews, however, I did find a few more errors. Which is okay, just need to watch for them. Sometimes, the spell checker won't catch all of them, especially if its a word that IS spelled correctly, but just not the word that you need at the moment, kind of with "are" and "our." Other than that, it's good and doesn't detract from the overall piece much. You have a good writing style, like the others have pointed out. The characterizations are nice. I really like them.
Storyline:
Fairy tales! First off, fairy tales are some of my favorite, favorite, pieces of literature.
Overall:
Grammar decent but could use a bit of tweaking. Storyline really good, but a couple logistics issues should be addressed. Other than that, lovely.
Keep Writing!
Spork
Thanks for the reviews! Ok carbonCore- I know what your saying, and I know I suck at spelling. I tried to read My Immortal, and the spelling alone was so bad It was a joke. I'm working on that. And the reason lux said that was because the queen was mean, I changed it. Thanks again for the review and i'll keep what you said in mind
VEEWWWWYY GOOD PIPPIKUN. THOUGH, YOU COULD REALLY USE SOME CAPITALIZATION/GRAMMAR/SPELLING CORRECTION. JUST SAYIN', CUZ THAT KIND OF THING BOTHERS THE CRAP OUT OF ME.
Besides that, I liked the majority of the wording, though something like 'betrothed to be married', doesn't make sense because of the definition of 'betrothed', plus it just sounds weird. 'Engaged to be married' would be better. I already said the capitalization could be redone but I just wanted to point out how random things were capitalized and yet beginnings of sentences weren't. =.=
Last but not least!! The prologue itself is quite good, all editing and such aside, maybe I'll read the rest of the story when you put it up. But maybe not. I'm only saying that to be mean, so don't take it personally.
Spoiler
The above spoiler contains my full text review. My comments are in [red brackets]. Sections of text simply highlighted in red mean that I've corrected a spelling mistake.
Wow. I have never been so torn before while writing a review. On one hand, you've got so many spelling and grammar mistakes in your story that, at times, it becomes difficult to read. More importantly, I am (and other people are, too, I'm sure) used to assuming that a piece is automatically bad just based on how bad the spelling in the story is.
But on the other hand, you have surprised me with excellent consistency in the story, and the characters actually feel human (you'd be surprised how rare this is nowadays, even in my own work). I disagree with miss Lux above me in that the Queen does not seem "bitchy" at all: she's picking a husband for her daughter, so it is to be expected that she'd pick very carefully, for the sake of her daughter. Furthermore, I don't think descriptions are necessary at this point in the story. If they don't play an important part in the plot, they can be ignored (remember the #1 rule of the writer: it is a sin to waste your reader's time). The worst thing you can do is have a character with glowing red eyes and have those glowing red eyes play absolutely no part in the story (they're just there because they look cool). But even having said that, you STILL do describe certain things without really describing them: if a feast is in preparation for seven months, you can use your own imagination to see what it looks like. Chances are that your reader's imagination will be way more effective than any description you can ever write. So you've got this point, missed by 90% of writers, nailed as well.
You also know how to turn a phrase: "where magic blooms like flowers" gave me the chills when I first read it. Then you've got little bits like a feast that spent 7 months in preparation. An over-excited writer too often forgets basic biology and writes "THEY PREPARED THE FEAST FOR TWO YEARS", nevermind the fact that no one would know that the queen is pregnant 2 years ago.
Honestly, this is the first time I have ever reviewed a work on this site where spelling mistakes account for the majority of my edits, rather than comments proper. My honest advice to you: polish the living hell out of your story. Run it through a spell-checker ten times, make sure the grammar is correct (you've got little quirks like adding a space after a quote, like " Blah blah blah...") to make the piece easy and enjoyable to read. Everything else is perfect. Excellent job, keep it up, and best of luck!
Bonjour sister dear!
Okay, first off, this story is extremely well developed. I do agree with Lightplusdark regarding the setting description; you need to describe the people there and the party that is going on. Lavish castle parties mean people dressed in awesome clothes and I think you would have fun creating outfits for everyone. Also, describe what everyone important looks like with detailed descriptions. That will make this even more fun to read!
Now, for my critique:
For the most part your spelling needs the most work, but you hear that everyday.
The thing that really needs work for people to understand this story better is the grammar. Where the lady Aurialla first speaks, you separated her sentences into different paragraphs which made me think that the Amaria had said, ' "Your ladyship" '. I would fix that if I were you. There are several places where you just forgot to capatalize certain words, but that doesn't distract from the overall story.
One last thing that kind of bothers me is that the queen sounds kind of bitchy by rejecting all of the suitors and the king seems like a cool guy. But when the lady Aurialla comes in requesting an audience, they seem to switch roles. Make them one or the other. Just don't make them both unbearable or both of them kind. I think its good to have the whole Yin and Yang thing. Personally, I would make the king a jerk who is just concerned with his daughter getting married off and the mother very attached and hesitant to let Rapunzel go. But you do what you want.
Well, there's my review. Now get your buttocks over to my page and review my story!!!
Love ya!!!
Dear Sakuragirl1,
I very much liked the pro-log to your story and the names you chose are very unique. I think it would be helpful if you told more about the setting. Tell more about the countries and the people that live in it. I think it would also be helpful if you told a bit about the King and Queen Amaria's personalities.
I wish you the best of luck on your story. I really enjoyed it.
Sincerely,
Lightplusdark