Published May 20, 2014
Hello, everyone. My name is Stephanie Lee Pritchard., but my friends called my Steph. I live in large suburbs with my father and Jessica, a struggling actress and writer , in Los Angeles, California. Everyone are nice and friendly. The neighborhood have clubs, clothes stores, and restaurants. I went to a public school called Westbank Secondary/High. I am a popular student at school. I am an outgoing and sweet girl. I always help people and hang out with them. Jean, a girl used to be my friend, was jealous of me and tried to be popular like me. I am also a talent person. I enjoyed painting or drawing picture at school or at home. I used my drawing book to draw that what I feel or see. I always won an art contests. That event always made me feel special for myself and proud to have people to see how I feel in art. Otherwise, I am a singer in my band, The Hot Poppies. My friends, Maria, Tim, Katy, and Green, and I enjoyed playing our songs in the concerts. We are a talent people and enjoyed being a band. The concerts are very special to us because we love to have fun with our own rules. Everyone think I have a good life and normal family. However, I don't have them. I don't have a normal family or a good life. My life was hard and awkward. My father, a transplant Englishman, is a jerk and embarrassment. And I don't know my mother since I was born; however, Jessica treated me like her daughter. I always have bad things and good things in my life. As I tell all of my stories, you will learn all about my life.
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140,970 Literary Works • 673,797 Reviews
I definetly agree that this seems to be a diary entry. I'm glad you are using writing as an outlet. I do the same thing, as I see a lot of stuff and learn a lot of stuff (regarding my profession) that I cannot talk about(as it is confidential and not socially acceptable). Be sure to edit your work when you are done writing it to keep it free of grammatical errors. I noticed you have the wrong tenses a couple of times. "I am also a talent person." --> "I am also a talented person." "I always won an art contests." ---> "I always win art contests." If you start in one tense, be consistent with it. You started this entry with "I live.." which is present tense. You kept with this tense until you started talking about your interest in art. If what you are talking about is how you used to feel or used to live or used to .....then you can delve into the past tense. Diaries are an excellent method for getting out how you feel. I guess writing is like a pensive (Harry Potter anyone)? Keep writing!
Ello, here to do a review.
First things first I suppose. I've gone over the other reviews, and I've noticed that this is supposed to be a diary entry. Though, you're not exactly explaining anything in it, you're mainly just saying things very flatly without much emotion. The sentences are relatively short and your spelling is a bit off along with the placement of a few words. I'm really not trying to nitpick- but I think you should take that into consideration. You do give information on the main character, which is excellent and a good start as well. On the other hand however, you don't make the character seem..."realistic" I suppose. Over all I think this needs work, but it really is a good start and I think you should keep going. You obviously seem to know how her life is, and what goes on in it, so just fix some things up and keep writing. That's the only way you'll get better, but really. This is a step to becoming a great writer, so by all means, keep going.
Hey! Here to review your work, just like you did some of mine. So, the first thing I have to say is that there are multiple grammar errors. I'm sorry, but that's always been something that bothers me, since I'm probably going to be an English teacher/author. The next thing I would say is that you told us a lot about the character, which is good, but you don't seem to make it....what's the word I'm looking for?...INTERESTING. You kind of just tell us, rather than explaining all that by talking about, like, what she did in the past week or whatever. Now, I think this is a diary entry, so that can be hard, but I'm sure you can do it! I read your bio on this character, but I can't remember if I reviewed it or not... Anyway, you did a good job, but I think you can do better! (That's not meant as a rude statement, but a compliment, btw:)
Hello ^^ As always, Seb here for a review. I don't want to go and repeat the comments that everyone else had, so I'll try to cover the points that they didn't.
First off: I believe you said this was a diary entry? That makes things a bit different. If it is, I would recommend adding an obvious indicator that it's a diary entry; it's easy for readers to miss things that aren't obvious to them. You could begin it with "Dear Diary," "Steph's Journal," or something similar.
Some people start journal entries with the date and time. (That's how I start mine). Between that and "Dear Diary," I would recommend going with the date. That way, your reader knows it's a journal and they know when it is.
Using today's date as an example, you may want to start it like this:
Your first two sentences are good, but they could be more eye catching. Start your story with something that's really going to interest the reader. Trick your reader into reading more, give them something dramatic so they're going, "Woah, okay, I gotta figure out what's going on now.
You know those ads? The ones that pop up on websites and say, "YOU'VE WON A FREE IPAD AIR. COLLECT NOW"? Be that ad, but with writing.
If I were you, I would begin with Steph describing something that happened earlier in her day. Maybe something bad her dad did, or something that happened between Steph and her friends?
My main suggestions for an intro would be:
1. Have Steph talk about an art show she won today.
2. Have Steph talk about something jerkish or embarrassing her dad did.
3. Have Steph mention something her friends did, or something she did with her friends
I think the thing that stood out the most in your writing was the lack of actions. There's the ever-famous saying, "Show don't tell," and it's very important to remember. Show us what happened, show us how Steph feels, show us who Steph is. I know it's a diary, but have Steph describe actions and her feelings instead of just plainly stating it. It'll make your chapter a lot longer, and it'll help your writing a ton.
I'll give you a couple examples.
Here, Steph is just describing her town. Instead of having her describe it, have her describe something she did in town.
Maybe something like this.
Another example:
Instead of just stating that Steph is a popular student, show us how she's popular. Describe how she sat with a bunch of people at lunch, or how she was bombarded with text messages all day.
I liked how you introduced some of Steph's problems, and you revealed a little bit of what was going on.
I like this a lot! You tell us a lot here. You tell us how other people perceive Steph's life, as well as how it really is and how Steph feels about it. You also introduce a major problem that's going on in Steph's life, tell us a little about the relationship between Steph and her father, and show us how Steph feels. There's emotion in these lines; there's passion and strong feeling.
I believe you said you didn't like editing? If that's the case, I would recommend having a fresh pair of eyes look over your piece to correct all the little typos and grammar errors.
I wish you luck in your writing, and I really do hope you continue this! <3
I use to be a really, really horrible writer. I started off in the fourth grade trying to imitate R.L Stine's Goosebumps series. My very first story (If I can even call it that) was about some kid who was afraid of clowns. I made my English teacher read it to the class (bad idea) everyone laughed at me and told me I was no good. But I continued writing and writing until one day I decided that it was time to show someone my work again. So I did, and once again I was let down with disappointing reviews (7th grade).
I decided that I no longer wanted to be a writer at that time. I completely stopped writing and reading and all sorts of that stuff. But sooner than later I kept feeling the urge to tell my stories, even if no one ever saw them. I started reading more and more and opened myself up to a lot of different genres.
By 9th grade my hard work had started to show. My writing improved and my teachers and peers saw it. With writing comes patience and a hard head to those who belittle you and think they know everything about writing. Although most people are trying to help you by critiquing your work, you have to learn the differences between belittlement and help. (I don't think that made any sense.)
Anyways, fast forward to my senior year, and I've been accepted into Columbia University in New York city. I've had people cry from reading my work, and have had a lot of people tell me how good I am. I've been compared to Charles Dickens recently by one of my English teachers. The point I'm trying to make is that if you decide on not continuing to write. Imagine how good you could have been? What opportunities could have come ahead of you, and all the joy you'd miss from writing. Don't give up on writing, because I for a fact know that it's near impossible.
With some patience and a lot of hard work and practice, you could one day become the next huge author. But it all starts here and now. So don't quit.
Hey Pinkiegirl13. Catcha01 here with a review.
First off I want to inform you that I will not review you differently than anyone else so please if my words appear harsh they aren't meant that way.
Let's begin with overall content:
This story is a bit short to be considered a chapter. Especially when there are chapters 20 pages long filled with details. Your chapter is very "forced" per-say like when someone wants to direly say something and says it all in one breath. You need to break up this large paragraph and elaborate on the simpler concepts that leave me with many questions. Its also kind of boring as well. There is absolutely no wonderful eye-catching concepts that stand out. I fell like I've read a more detailed version of this once before. At this rate it may be easy for someone to confuse this with another story with the same storyline and I assume that you don't want that.
Next is grammar:
I will agree with the previous reviewers you must proofread and revise. I don't really care that you don't like those words or don't want to, but you will not improve with so many silly little mistakes that you would've caught if you had taken the time to read over your work. Bad grammar takes away from a story and as readers we will nitpick at your grammatical errors and focus on them rather than the plot itself and that isn't a good trait to exist in any literary work.
For example: "We are a talent people and enjoyed being a band." Should be "We are talented people and enjoy being in a band."
By the way this should be in present tense not past. If this is happening now as it seems it is it is in the present not the past as you are describing it to be. If not my apologies and your tensing is good, but if I'm right this can really throw a reader off.
Lastly is development:
There is no plot development making the story like I said earlier boring. We are also left in the dark as to time and place . Please elaborate on these subjects as they are very key components to your writing as characters are. Without them readers have nothing to imagine. Your last sentence isn't very appropriate either. Rather than an insight into the following chapters that is plain as day merge it in somehow I believe that the story would flow better like that.
Anyway I hope that you take my suggestions into consideration and have a great day.
Keep Writing
~Catcha01
I am still not writing. I gave up, okay? Don't talk to me.
Listen Pinkiegirl13. You're acting like a child to be honest. You not writing doesn't hinder me in any way nor does it hinder anyone else who reviewed your work. By the way, reviewing counts as writing so if reviewing is your plan you're in for a rude awakening. Anyway your reason for not writing is stupid in my opinion and makes all we work for as writers less accomplishing. If all it took was a bad comment made by people to stop authors like J.K Rowling from writing where would Harry Potter be? Think about that.
Shut up! I don't care that I am trying to hurt you. Plus, I am not trying to hurt you. I just need a break. Please, shut up.
First off please don't tell me to shut up when I'm trying to help you. It's rude and suit yourself, I'll leave you alone.
Ok, bye. I already got people already like my stories. They are different than mines on here.
Hi there!
This comes off as a bit of an information dump to me. Now we pretty much know everything there is to know about Stephanie. Surely there could have been some way to incorporate all this information into the plot. Starting off with the character introducing themselves and going on about their lives is a very amateur way to tell a story. Because you did this, there's no opportunity to get to know the characters. We just start off knowing all this information, and then the plot starts. Before a movie, the characters don't pop up onscreen and start introducing themselves, because that would put the audience to sleep! Beginning with an info-dump is not a good way to start a story, and I think you'll find that it will turn many people away from it.
Now, this also seems pretty poorly edited to me. There are a lot of careless mistakes, like this.
What? I think you meant talented. That's a very obvious mistake. It definitely wouldn't be there if you had proofread.
Also, I agree with Elinor in that the premise is pretty cliche. The whole "popular girl with a sucky home life" has been done over and over again in literature, and nothing seems to stand out about your version. Make something stand out. You have to pull readers in immediately. If we get bored on the first chapter, that's not good. The first chapter is very important, and you just didn't do it very well. I strongly recommend changing this so that it's not an info-dump, and editing it for mistakes.
I'm sorry if this seems harsh, I just want to help you improve.
Keep on writing!
I don't care. Also, it is a diary. I will do that in th next chapter. You know, I am done with this.
That kind of attitude isn't going to help you improve. And the way you've written this doesn't make it seem like a diary. Come on, who starts their diary by saying, "hello everyone" and then blurting out their entire background?
See? I always get this crap everyday. I give up! I am tried of this! I don't want to be a writer anymore.
*holds hands up defensively* Woah, hold on there! Proofreading and revising is part of being a writer, and you seem very unwilling to take advice from anyone. If it seems like us reviewers are being mean, we're only trying to help you get better. You should accept our "crap" graciously and use it to strengthen your skills as a writer. Even if you don't want to change this story, you can at least keep it in mind for the next time you write.
I like what I wrote. I please leave me alone. I need to be alone. *folded hands*
I can see that, sadly, I have no hope of persuading you to change your story content-wise. I'm no longer going to try, because this is obviously going nowhere. I will ask, though, that you please at least fix all the grammar mistakes. It looks very sloppy, especially on a website full of grammar Nazis.
So you dissing on my grammar mistakes. I give up, you hear me? I am done! Now leave me alone!
Hi! and Welcome to YWS Pinkiegirl13
..
I see in her a strong girl that inspite of the obstacles that she face at home and with regards to her former friend, she stays happy and helpful towards other people. She's still optimistic.
In the review:
I had this corrected on my work before so I would like to share it to you. Don't write continuously in one long paragraph. Separate those, put 3-4 or 4-5 sentences in each paragraph. One paragraph talks about her family, the next one talks about her life in school and so on.
Like in here:
Add more details about his dad and why did she described it like that. Hence, it will be better if you show us and not tell us everything about her. Put it in a scenario. For example in school: As I walked in the hallway, everyone stepped aside and looked at me with admiration. Something like that which makes us see that she's popular and liked by many. Thus, I want to know why Jean became jealous of her. They're friends so I guess that makes them both famous. The same goes with the other scenes in this chapter.
Her life's interesting and I would like to know how her story goes.
Hope this helps..
Keep writing
> Cha
Hello, Elinor here for a review.
I'll say this upfront: you did not have me hooked. The first line did not leave me in wondering what will happen next. And saying your character is outgoing, sweet, popular, talented, etc is as cliché as it is uninteresting. Perhaps, if you wanted to introduce the character, you could have done it with the storyline? It was as if you were feverishly trying to finish this chapter, without reading it again or making improvements. Perhaps it would have been better as a blog.
Okay, I don't care. Bye.
Please. It's a review. If I wanted to be all sweet and la di da then i would, but that would make me a hypocrite. You can't just throw a tantrum every time someone reviews you. Otherwise you won't get so many. If the author of The Lord of the Flies burst into tears at his first rejection, he wouldn't have been so great and famous.
All the best.
Look, that was my character Pinkie. I just shy, so I used her. Sorry for that. I didn't mean to. Forgiven?
Hey, you are allowed to use your own personal 'mascot'! I have one myself, named Astra. You don't have to be sorry about it: be proud. Tell everyone about Pinkie! You never know, maybe, just maybe, she could be a success!
But she is know-it-all writer. She is bad news for this site.