Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
People needed love in their lives
To be held by the arms of a lover
Some people could get one in friendship
Some people could get one in first sight
And some people could get one in families
However, people sometimes don't get it
Or they think they have it, but they don't
In this world, love could be a hard thing
Basically for this girl named Erica
Who was a loner in middle school
She couldn't find love in her life
Boys always called her ugly and fat
When every time she walked past them
She has brown hair and blue eyes
Her body was thick which it made her like a bear
Girls always messed with her everyday
They called her 'Fat ass' or 'Mommy bear'
They also pushed her down on the ground
As her books spread over the pattern floor
Erica stared back at the girls who pushed her
Everyone laughed as they pointed at her
Then, one of them spoke up in laughter
"You will never get a boyfriend!"
Erica just stared at them while holding her eyes
They were right about her
She will never find a guy to love her
Just look at her
She is fat, ugly bitch who will never find love
Before she let out a cry
She heard a guy's voice out of the blue
"Will you guys leave her alone?!"
Then, a boy walked through the crowd
Erica knew who he was
His name is Doniz
He has black hair and brown eyes
His body was slender and muscular
He came to Erica and helped her up
"What are you doing?" shouted one of the girls angrily.
"Standing up for her. That's what I am doing," replied the boy.
"Doniz, you are helping a fat bitch! She is nothing to us!"
"I know she is nothing to you, but she is human. I don't want you to mess with her."
One of them rolled her eyes and said, "Fine, be with that bitch."
Everyone left without looking back
Erica stared at Doniz and said, "Thanks."
Doniz smiled and said, "No problem. I just hate how people treat people unfairly."
Erica smiled at him back
She was really happy that someone will stood up to them
There were silence between them until the bell rang
"Well, I have to go class of hell," Erica said indifferent, "See you later."
Erica walked off to class before Doniz called her name
"Erica!"
Erica turned around and saw Doniz was walking toward her
"Can we hang out...you know, everyday?"
Erica smiled at him and replied, "Sure."
Doniz smiled back at her and then walked off
After the day they met, they began to be best friends
Doniz always stood up for Erica and being with her
He enjoyed Erica very much than the girls in school
He loved her personalities and her sense of humor
Throughout high school and college
Erica became slender
Which made the guys that used to mess with her want to date her
Doniz didn't like how they act around her
He thought they were jackass who cared about her looks
And he knows that Erica will regret them
Now they gradated from college together
They became producers
They make videos for people who are celebrity
Together, they are a group of friends who had the same dream
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hey there! Scarlet here to review.
Yeah, yeah I know. Review day is over but I just can't help myself!
Beautiful! This just about brought me to the brink of tears. I've gotten bullied and pushed around because I wasn't very attractive In grade-school.
I was rather pudgy and chunky, not fat but not thin.
No one ever stood up for me.
This brought back those memories and It stung me in a spot I forgot I had. I pitied the character but I was relieved when she was saved and had a good ending.
I commend to you, you are a true artist and have toyed with my emotions like a puppet. Only a rare few stories do that, keep writing!
High five! Or not...
Sincerely, Scarlet; Reader, Writer, and Reviewer
*High five you*
Hey, awesome wisegirl22 here for reviews in Team Plasma.
I love you, but this wording is a bit strange, and I encourage you to read over it and find what's wrong.
"She was really happy that someone will stood up to them"
Awwww, the wording was a bit weird in a bunch of the sentences after that one, and I didn't want to write all of it down, so please carefully proofread your work and edit. I also wonder: is Erica someone you know, or a made-up character? Happy Ultimate Pokemon Awesomeness Review Day!
Hi there! Alpha here to review... Love 'Strinks'? What does strink mean? Love Stinks, perhaps?
I'll start with some line-for-line comments, then a little point-outs about structure and format.
Ah, so this is going to be another story about finding love.
I'm not exactly sure what do you mean by 'one' in this and following lines. A lover? Love? In which case, how do you get it? The 'Some people could get one in ______' format is redundant and uncreative. You could just say 'Some people could get one in friendship, first sight, and families.' but that's just plain boring. So try out other words that can convey the meaning you want to get across. Don't just list it out, make us see it.
Please don't start a sentence in a story with 'Basically for this girl'. This isn't chat, you aren't talking about someone you bumped into in the shops. Introduce her in another way. But oh, we have a girl now. At least something is happening now.
Of course she'd be in middle school. Middle-school Alpha thought she was very deep because she read long books over and over. I feel sorry for this Erica, trying to find something like love that early.
Well of course it would be when she walked past them. They probably also call her worse things behind her back, but she wouldn't know that, since this is her story. Cut this out?
So, this has potential to make a good description. 'Brown eyes', 'brown hair' and 'Her body was thick' all ruined it. Why do we have to know the color of her eyes and hair? The second part will sound better with the metaphor alone. It's like a joke- when you explain it, you ruin it.
So maybe the sentence should be something like, "She looked like a blue-eyed bear."Okay, blue-eyed bear sounds worse. Hairy.
And then we have more examples of how mean kids are (and no mention of Erica's feelings, or anything else, really), bla bla bla, and then we have this:
Wohoo, a saviour! What really annoys me, though, is that you switched tenses for no apparent reason. Or maybe the reason is glaringly obvious and I missed it? If so, hit me up in a reply.
Uh, I didn't get that impression. If she meant nothing to them, they would have just ignored her existence and stuff. Maybe she's just an object for them to toy with but even that is something.
That sounds very creepy, but I'm sure a middle-school loner would jump at that chance.
Revise the phrasing here. I'm sure that what you mean to say is that he preferred hanging out with her more than anyone else.
Then we have them living happily ever after and the next, what, eight years written in a couple of lines. It kind of irks me. Especially since she, you know, lost weight just like that? (Like here.) I guess love is as good a motivation as any to lose weight but it's still annoying whenever a girl does it for a guy. Because that's what it sounds like. And suddenly she's all funny and guys want to date her. It sounds lousy, especially that ending. Wow, they all became producers for celebrities?
Let's talk about format. This basically reads as one very long sentence, broken up into verses, maybe to make it sound longer. I'm not exactly sure why you broke out of the usual paragraph-for-paragraph story format (and I'm assuming this is a story, since it isn't sorted in poetry), it doesn't do much for the content. Maybe it would work if the story was a bit more polished, if it was packed a little tighter, so that each line would bring new meaning (and cut out the first monologue about love), but I'm still not a fan. Try reading this out loud. That's the best advice I could give. Read it out loud and when you find something that doesn't sound right, play around with it, change it around, fix it.
Keep on writing.
Alpha
Um...you are not helpful...you are very mean....I was bored of making stories....so I am not making it perfect for you....so leave...
Hey, I'm not asking you to make it perfect for me. You published this and wanted reviews, and you got one from me, so take it or leave it. If you don't want to be critiqued, post it in a blog. I apologize if it sounded overly mean. Out of curiosity, is English your first language?
YES! God, I hate people asking that! I didn't want reviews! I just wanted to write something, not get review like a celebrity.
Again, if you don't want reviews, say that in a spoiler or put it up in a blog.
Also, on the part when she was skinny, she was not showing up. Her weight went down when she grown up. The guys were only in love with her looks.
That was really sweet. Personally I love how it was written, in that format. I forgot what its called but I love it! The only real let down was how Erica became skinny after all that. People can be chubby and beautiful you know. I think you should have said something about how she seemed happier and she was brighter, rather than now she is beautiful all of the sudden, because that doesn't really happen. Other than that I felt like this was a really cute and well written story.