You can take my bread.
I will close my eyes.
Tears, escaped, will crawl,
And then, softly, fall.
*
I will starve and bleed,
Yearn to supplicate:
"Can I have a crumb?"
But crouch and cower, dumb.
*
You can take my son.
I will watch him die.
I shall bow, atone,
Then go on, alone.
*
I won't wait by glass,
Because I know you
Do not give us back
Anything we lack.
*
When I'm dry as dust,
Once I cannot move,
You'll leave me behind,
Barred inside my mind.
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138,246 Literary Works • 672,090 Reviews
Great poem, your use of the English language is flawless and creates a real depth to it.
Your poem also has a great flowing rhythm which suits the subject to perfection. Continuing on what you talk about in your poem, the real meaning is more implied than stated, which is another great aspect of this poem. Another thing I'll add is that you describe the emotion very well.
*two finger salute* Hey pinkpather, Subtle here to review! Right, so I'm not going to pretend I know what this poem was about, because I don't. It has a lot of depth and hidden meaning in it, that I'm sure people who are more ingenious than I knows how to appreciate. However, even with my limited poetic skills I can still see this is clearly a very wonderful poem. With your language, your format and how you have written it. The poem has a very soothing rhythm all the way and your wording is very concise and yet beautiful at the same time.
I for one, agree with @AlexSushiDog, this is truly wonderful opening stanza. It really reels the readers in to what is to come.
Your grammar and spelling is flawless, however, I did notice you put either a comma or a period at the end of each sentence. Sometimes these can seem somewhat redundant, so perhaps you would like to read over it and get rid of some of it? But that is just my opinion, just wanted to check in and say, great poem!
Keep on writing!
-S.s
Hey PinkPanther! I'm here tor review this poem!
I really love the structure and concept of this! I think you executed it very well and to great effect! I like how dramatic and mysterious it is! My favourite stanza is:
Generally your grammar is good. You did miss out a couple of punctuation at the end of a few lines, but it is mostly good!
I couldn't find a lot wrong with this! I did find in a few places that your vocabulary is too sophisticated for the situation. I had to look up "supplicate" (Means to beg) and I think most other words would do whilst still maintaining the effect.
Overall, great poem!