(((Feel free to suggest something for a closing line!!)))
I feel like our memories are frozen in time.
~
You meant everything to me; you weren’t my moon, stars, or my sun.
There’s no metaphor worthy enough to describe the way my soul grasped onto you.
The only thing that comes to mind would be that you were the lines to my poetry,
without you I would have been nothing.
~
Sleepless nights, just to talk to you a few hours longer were totally worth it.
I wouldn’t dream of taking away the beautiful, deep conversations we had.
The carried on nights and days I spent feeling what love is supposed to feel like.
I’m even willing to keep the memory of the stressful night where you saved me from all the harm I caused myself.
~
It’s funny to look back, no, more like sad to look back on these memories.
You gave me so much, so much more than others could bear,
I gave you a part of my soul.
Our love was probably the strongest love I will ever have in my entire life,
but I still drifted away for nothing.
~
Times like this, I want our love back.
I message you, just seeing if I’m worthy of a reply,
and once I get one, I seem to bore you.
I want so dearly, so, so dearly to tell you how I feel,
to remind you of what we used to have, who we used to be.
It’s all too late, it seems, I've become a forgotten memory.
A memory you’ll never understand, at least, not how I understand.
I wish you could feel what I do when I look back,
maybe we could have sparked the memories back to life.
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,620 Reviews
Hahaha Dragon here *Fancy rage quite* haha
My turn to review you tag you're it!!
Well its a very well written ice filled with many different emotions. i liked the many examples you gave and the word choice it flowed together. IT IS RELATABLE WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE SITTING BY THE PHONE WAITING FOR A REPLY FOR AN answer back. its the battle between shoulds and should nots.
Well done keep up the great work!
A few lines that i liked were......
I gave you a part of my soul.
Our love was probably the strongest love I will ever have in my entire life,
but I still drifted away for nothing.
Haha, we seem to be having a back and forth review thing going on. (;
I always appreciate your reviews, thanks!
You are very welcome XD
Hello! I'm back to review you again!
Let's dance, darling.
Your first line is all by itself and it's the only line in the entire poem that gets a stanza all its own. I would stick it somewhere, or delete it all together if I were you. I like where you're going with the whole 'you're not my sun, my moon, or my stars' but I wish you would give us more imagery. Something with more meat. Don't tell us. Show us.
For example,
you didn't burn my skin, you weren't the sun. And you didn't cool it, either, or light it up with your smile. There are no words to express what you were, all I know is you were everywhere and no where all at once.
Obviously, that's not the best line, but do you SEE where the imagery is? Do you feel it in your bones? Yours barely scratches the surface of what it could be, and what I'd like to see it be. I also like the line 'you were the lines to my poetry', and I want you to expand. It's like cultivating a rose bush, you have to cultivate the beautiful roses and cut away the dead branches to make it a prize winner.
I'd delete the next stanza all together. It's much too telly, not incredible imagery or lines or anything. It's just there. Unless you can turn what you're trying to say into something more, there's no need for it and it almost tells the reader too much.
Your problem here, is you're stuck in a very telly-phase of poetry, and it's not telling the story as well as it could. The entire poem, you're telling the reader what's going on. It's really hard in second-person to not tell someone instead of show. Change it to third person, and expand on your imagery. Go through and find the lines that mean something, and delete all the stuff about messaging and phone calls. Make it about how they weren't your sun, moon or stars, about how they were the lines in your poetry. Make it about how you wrote your lines on their skin and they scrubbed it off with bleach. Make it hard, make it cruel, and make it real.
And above all, don't tell. show.
Spark
I see where you're coming from, imagery makes a better poem, but I just don't see that in this poem. It's more about being realistic. What really happened.
However, you can be realistic without telling. It's your poem, do what you want, but I think it would be more potent if you made the imagery the focal point of the piece.