Cherry Pie

A short story I have to turn in on Sundy. It's a three level story with flashback within flashback. So any and all suggestions would be very much appreciated. =D

Blood was starting to stain the floor as Emilia brought the frying pan down on Jake for the third time.  She looked upon the crumpled body and brought down the now bent pan for a fourth attempt at bashing in his skull. He caught her wrist in desperation and pulled her down to the floor. Struggling out of his grasp, her back hit the dining room table that had been set up just hours ago for their anniversary dinner.

“Fifteen years, can you believe it?”

Emilia looked up from what she was doing. She had set up the dining room table so nicely, even bringing the good china and glasses out for the special even. It was all for their anniversary dinner. Some couples went out to eat on such an occasion, but she preferred home cooked meals. Small dinners like this were more intimate in her opinion.  

Smiling up at her husband, she responded. “It feels like just yesterday you were carrying me over the threshold.”  Lighting the two candles on the table, she turned down the lights to give the room an ambiance. Jake had bought a bouquet of roses which she had put in an old crystal vase adorned with daises. Emilia stared at the red roses for a moment as she considered why Jake would give her roses. She hated rose, doubly so when it came in red.  

Red was such an odd color. She rather hated it even.  She attributed her dislike for the color to her mother. Her mother used to wear thick red lipstick. The kind of lipstick old movie stars would wear, but her mother made it far less classy. Even as a child, Emilia always remembered her mother’s thick red lipstick. She had been fascinated by it back then. Her earliest memory had even been infected by the red lips.  She was about two, sitting in a crib, looking up at her mother as the woman leaned over to tickle Emilia’s stomach.  Her plump red lips pulled back to reveal gnarled yellowing teeth.  

 

“How was work? Emilia asked trying to ignore her husband as he picked his teeth with a toothpick. She never understood why he did that before eating.  No, she would not bring up his disgusting habit right now. The dinner needed a good start, and thus small conversational talk should make their anniversary productive one. They did not talk much anymore and this dinner hopefully would allow them to reconnect on some level, even if it was just a little bit. It was just the revitalization their relationship needed. Year after year their relationship dipped, and it was always charged back up by these anniversary dinners.  It was always best to shake things up from time to time.

The table shook, causing the vase of roses to tumble to the floor. Emilia scooted to the side avoiding it. Glass and rose petals filled the air. She reached for the pan again.  On the black metal rested a single rose petal, as if the very iron was bleeding red. It was very similar to the blood soaking into her the wool carpet.  She gripped the pan at a different angle and slammed in against Jake’s leg as he tried to crawl away.  He cried out in pain. 

“Do you like the roses?”

“Of course, I don’t use my mother’s special vase for just anything.”

Jake nodded obviously pleased with her lie. “The dinner looks really good,” he said, spooning peas onto his plate to join the meatloaf, corn and mashed potatoes.

Emilia smiled.  “Worked on it all day”

“It shows. I like how colorful it all is. It’s like a healthy plate of Skittles”

She nodded, excited to have a topic to latch onto. “I read in an article that the sign of a nutritional meal is for the plate to be a rainbow of colors; yellow corn, green peas, violet grapes. Do you want to read it? It’s fascinating really.”

“No thanks,” he paused for a moment and looked around the table. “No red?”

Emilia’s smile thinned. “I have a cherry pie baking in the oven”

“You know, we’ve been married fifteen years and I don’t know your favorite color.”

“I don’t have a favorite, she said”

“Oh, well I’ve always been partial to green.

“I know. Your favorite color is green because of football,” she said.

He looked up in surprise “What?”

“Your father used to take you to football games on the weekends. You used to say that spending time with him made up the best moments of your life. One day you even wanted to share that experience with a child of your own one day.” 

 “Oh, yes…a child of our own.”

“A child of our own,” she said. There was an awkward pause. “I think I smell the pie, it must be ready.” She smiled hoping talk of dessert would clear the air of the touchy topic. She walked into the kitchen and put her hands on the counter as she breathed in deeply.

 The kitchen.  That was where her next memory of the red lips came from. She had been eating her breakfast. She was five now and she had not seen the red lips since that night in the crib. Her mother had been wearing a fine white dress, which contrasted heavily with the deep red of her lips.  Emilia recalled her father complaining about the red lips and how it when she wore the lipstick it got all over his clothes.  Emilia’s mother gave them both a kiss on the cheek before leaving for work, leaving the crimson imprints of lips as proof of her apparent love.  Father wiped the marking off and returned to his beer bottle.

“Are you okay in there?”

Emilia straightened up, brushing off her skirt with quick strokes. “Yes, just checking the pie.” She moved over to the stove and opened it up.  The fresh smell of the pie’s crust and filling wafted out. Some of the filling oozed from the crust like lava escaping a volcano. Her distracted mind forgot that the oven was still on, reaching for the pie plate, she retracted her hand quickly from the stinging pain of being burned.

Fire pulsing through her veins Emilia jumped on top of Jake. He was bigger than her, but he already had lost a lot of blood. She clawed at his face as he squirmed underneath her. He flailed out his arm, knocking her across the face and off of him. Her face hit the floor with such force that her lip busted open letting out a fresh stream of blood. She ran her fingers across her lips so the blood coated them like a grotesque lipstick.

Two perfectly white teeth soaked with blood, fell out into Emilia’s hand. She hurled away the lost teeth. Jake had gotten to his feet and was stumbling towards the door. Emilia jumped to her feet; her hip clipped the table as she ran to catch up with him. A plate of green peas clattered to the floor.

Emilia ripped a hanging picture of the two of them off the wall and hurled it at his head. It was just enough to knock him off balance and sent him careening into her glass display case that housed all her porcelain dolls.  He crumpled to the ground, bleeding from the shards of glass that had rooted in his skin. He lay in a sea of glass and broken dolls, barely moving.

He was no longer trying to escape. His chest still rose and fell as he let out soft whimpers.  Satisfied he would not be getting up; Emilia went back into the dining room.  The table was in disarray. The food sat scattered so all the colorful foods bled together like a rainbow had exploded. She picked up the bottle of wine.   She walked into the kitchen and grabbed the bottle opener. Making quick work of the bottle, the cork shot up into the air slapping the celling.  She walked back into the dining room and picked up one of the candles. She walked into the foyer, her high heeled shoes crunching on the glass. She began to pour the alcohol on Jake.  Once the bottle was empty she threw it down by his face, adding to pile of glass.

It wasn’t enough; she walked back into the dining room and to the cabinet where she kept the hard liquor.  She grabbed one of the clear bottles and unscrewed the top. Once she was back to Jake’s fallen body she spilled the entire contents on his body.  She tapped the bottles side so the last bits of liquor fell over his body in drips.

“I hear the water running. Is everything okay?”

“I just burned myself a little. Nothing to worry about.”

“Do you want me to come in there?”

“No, it’s just a small burn. I barely feel it anymore.” She turned off the water and stared at the drops of water that stuck to her skin. Each droplet lay on her skin like perfect glass domes. She had made the comparison once before.  

Water clung to Emilia’s lashes the third time she saw the red lips.  She had advanced to the age of thirteen. She recalled thinking that the water droplets that stuck to her lime green rain coat looked like small crystal domes. She had stayed after late for her creative writing class, which was more like a club meeting.  It had been raining and her mother was picking her up late. Emilia stood huddled under the flag pole, waiting for a reprieve from the cold. A few hours passed before her mother’s old truck pulled up.  Emilia got in, and the first thing she noticed had been the red lips.  The second thing she noticed was the tired expression her mother had.  It was a haunted expression as if something had been broken inside of her.

“Are you sure you don’t want any help in there?” Jakes called from the dining room, breaking her out of her thoughts.

“I’m fine,” she said drying her hands.  She glanced over and saw her reflection briefly in the cracked glass covering of the microwave.

She remembered so vividly the fourth and final time she had seen her mother with the red lips. It had been from her window.  Emilia had been in that same year. She had a small couch by her window, for reading and simply resting while she watched the seasons change outside.  Today, nature wasn’t very interesting due to the rain, so she had curled up with a good book. She always read with a pen so she could make notes and underline passages she found interesting.

Her eyes were brought away from the words of Austen by movement outside.  She glanced out the window; her eyes found the red lips like a beacon in the grey gloom of that day. Her mother stood in front of the house, waiting for something.  A green car Emilia did not recognize sat in front of their driveway.

 A young man helped Emilia’s mother put her suitcase in the back seat. Emilia recognized him vaguely as the nice man that had worked at the diner her mother worked at.  She kissed the young man on the cheek, leaving a crimson mark. The man went around and got into the car, leaving only Emilia’s mother in the grey scaled world of outside. Her mother turned to the window and blew a kiss with the same red lips that would forever be burned in Emilia’s brain. It was like all four of her senses were being assaulted by the memory of those lips.   Every sound, taste, and smell seemed heighted by the within these memories.

“I can smell the pie from here. It smells delicious.”   Ever since that rainy day, Emilia had mostly hated the color red. She had only made cherry pie because she knew how much Jake loved it and it was their anniversary after all. Love often required sacrifice.  She carried the pie back into the dining room. As she entered, she saw a red stain on the back of Jake’s collar. She put down the pie on the table and smiled.

“I think I left something in the kitchen. I need a knife to cut the pie.” 

“It needs to cool anyway. I bet it’s delicious. Can’t wait to dig in.”

“I’m sure you can’t,” she said entering the kitchen and picking up a pan that she had used previously when she had been cooking.  “You know, I don’t have a favorite color, but I have a least.”

Jake apparently did not hear this statement as he went on about the pie. “The smell is killing me, hurry bring it in.”

“Oh, your senses are always so easy to seduce…using sweets.”  

Emilia licked the sugary wine from her hand. While pouring it some of it must have gotten on her. It was too sugary for her taste.  Of course, Jake loved the heavily sweet wines. The taste was only slightly deluded by the liquor.

 Shattered glass was all that remained of the liquor bottle when Emilia dropped it on the floor.  She held the candle with a surprisingly steady hand.  Half of the wax had already melted away.  The flame flickered as she held it over Jake’s quivering body.  She looked directly at the flame as if looking into a mirror. Jake grabbed her ankle. It was a weak grasp, and his eyes partially opened to look up at her.

“Please…don’t,” he rasped.

All she saw were those red lips. The red lips that had torn apart her family. The red lips that had left her without a mother. She was Thirty-Five and married and not once had she ever worn red lipstick.

 

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
sargsauce
Review

Hello! This is quite a sophisticated piece. Overall, I enjoy it for its confidence and unique perspective with a cinematic flair like a movie. There are some parts, though, that require reworking from a realistic or a wording standpoint. But, I'll go through the piece and let you know my thoughts more specifically.

First of all, the opening. Emilia hits him THREE times with a frying pan...enough to BEND the pan...and he's bleeding profusely...and he still has the energy and strength to catch her downward swing and get up and run away? After one hit, most anyone you know would be down and unconscious or close to it. After two hits, anybody would be down and unconscious. After three hits, his skull would definitely be caved in. Just saying.

"for the special even."
Proofread. "event"

When we abruptly switch scenes the first time, you give us no indication of the setting. It took me a long time to figure out that Jake was even sitting calmly in his chair. I would have preferred if you made some mention of that in the first paragraph of the new scene.

"Red was such an odd color. She rather hated it even. She attributed her dislike for the color to her mother. Her mother used to wear thick red lipstick. "
All of those sentences are very short and abrupt and come out very elementary when grouped together. Try to vary your sentence structure and length...it adds to the reader's immersion.

" It was always best to shake things up from time to time.

The table shook, causing the vase of roses to tumble to the floor. "
I liked the transition here. It was very "Inception"-like. We accidentally stumble into a flashback/forward and we're immersed before we realize it.

"blood soaking into her the wool carpet."
Again, please proofread. Every mistake makes you lose a little credibility with your audience.

"She nodded, excited to have a topic to latch onto."
And I liked this.

“I don’t have a favorite, she said”
Edit this.

"Her distracted mind forgot that the oven was still on, reaching for the pie plate, she retracted her hand quickly from the stinging pain of being burned."
This sentence needs some reworking. One or more of the verbs are off and/or there are too many comma breaks.

"Fire pulsing through her veins Emilia jumped on top of Jake. He was bigger than her, but he already had lost a lot of blood. She clawed at his face as he squirmed underneath her. He flailed out his arm, knocking her across the face and off of him. Her face hit the floor with such force that her lip busted open letting out a fresh stream of blood. She ran her fingers across her lips so the blood coated them like a grotesque lipstick."
I like the transition to this scene. And the grotesque lipstick line is nice and twisted.

"all the colorful foods bled together like a rainbow had exploded. "
I dislike the simile. "like a rainbow had exploded" is hardly a comparison that suits the overall murderous tone. It sounds more like something that happens in a Lucky Charms or Skittles commercial.

"She picked up the bottle of wine. She walked into the kitchen and grabbed the bottle opener. Making quick work of the bottle, the cork shot up into the air slapping the celling."
Check this. Wine isn't carbonated, so it doesn't launch the cork. You're getting confused with champagne. Also, check the syntax of the last sentence.
"Making quick work of the bottle, the cork shot..." That kind of sentence structure means that "the cork" is doing the action that preceded it.
Like so: "Moving fast, John caught the ball." It's John who moved fast.
Whereas you have "Making quick work, the cork shot..." which says "the cork" made quick work...which is, of course, incorrect.

"She tapped the bottles side so the last bits of liquor fell over his body in drips."
Also here, wine has nothing to do with liquor. Here's a quote from the wiki on liquor:
"A distilled beverage, liquor, or spirit is an alcoholic beverage containing ethanol that is produced by distilling ethanol produced by means of fermenting grain, fruit, or vegetables. This excludes undistilled fermented beverages such as beer, wine, and cider."
Excludes wine.

"Each droplet lay on her skin like perfect glass domes. She had made the comparison once before.

Water clung to Emilia’s lashes the third time she saw the red lips."
Lose the "She had made the comparison once before." Your streak of making nice, cinematic transitions was lost here by using that line.

"The second thing she noticed was the tired expression her mother had. It was a haunted expression as if something had been broken inside of her."
Ehh, I don't feel like you gave us much in this flashback. What about the haunted expression?

"She remembered so vividly the fourth and final time she had seen her mother with the red lips. It had been from her window. "
Again, not a smooth break at all. You've gone from slipping into flashbacks to going, "NOW HERE IS A FLASHBACK."

"She always read with a pen so she could make notes and underline passages she found interesting."
What did this line contribute at all?

"her eyes found the red lips like a beacon in the grey gloom of that day."
I like the comparison, however, it is not appropriate. The connotation of "beacon" is something hopeful or inspirational. Literally, yes, it's just something that is visible far away...but the meaning of it goes deeper. Perhaps try another simile.

As for this last scene, I'm confused by the construction. Her mother is leaving, right? But Emilia never noticed anyone going outside. Soo...did her mom drive home, get out, stand outside, and then get in the other guy's car? I know I'm overthinking it, but it still feels strange.

"It was like all four of her senses were being assaulted by the memory of those lips. Every sound, taste, and smell seemed heighted by the within these memories."
You missed mentioning sight. Also, there are five senses, so you can't really say "all four."

“I can smell the pie from here. It smells delicious.”
Kind of contrived. Who says "I can smell the _____ from here"? They just say "It smells delicious" right? You kind of did that earlier with "I can hear the water running. Are you okay?" Just say "Are you okay?" You're trying too hard to give Jake excuses to butt in.

"The taste was only slightly deluded by the liquor."
Again, no liquor in wine.

"The flame flickered as she held it over Jake’s quivering body."
I assume she intends to burn him alive? It's a good thing you cut off the story when you did, then, because she will have a hard time doing so. It's awfully hard to ignite alcohol that's under 40% alcohol content. And wine, being typically 14%, is more likely to put out the flame. She would need to have an excuse to be using 50% alcohol for some reason...or some kind of catalyst...anyway, food for thought.

"She was Thirty-Five..."
Capitalized for some reason?

Thanks, a lot of good points. I had to turn a slightly edited version of this on Sunday, but I can use the edits for later use. I now see a lot of flaws, but oh well. I did get confused with champagne. And I thought about the wine thing so I had her get a bottle of underscribed liquor. I may have not made that clear enough, thus I should work on that too. Thanks again.

User avatar
PhoenixBishop
Comment

Thanks, I appreciate the in put. With what you suggested I edited through it some more and hopefully made it better. The story above has been edited after your review so any future comments can critique the new version. Very little changes, mostly wording, grammar and the color thing you suggested.

And, yes I'd be happy to look over your piece.

Random avatar
ahhhsmusch
Comment

I really enjoyed reading this. Definitely one of the better stories I've read on YWS. I liked how you built the suspense with the flashbacks while supplying the final act of Emilia without giving the reason until the very end. I think that the only thing that really needs to be done is to seperate the flashbacks from the present with hash marks or a horizontal line or something. It's not hard to pick up which passages are flashbacks and which aren't, but I think dividing them would make the reading much smoother.

There are some grammtical errors and missplaced quotation marks throughout this, but I think if you just read it through, they will be easy to find. Sorry that I didn't highlight these, I like to comment on stories rather than correct.

Also, I have a suggestion just for further symbolism. Perhaps make the yellow car of the man who is having an affair with Emilia's mother green to subtly highlight Jake's affair too. I think that would be cool, but that is just me. Maybe the car is yellow for a reason and I didn't pick it up.

Thanks for the suspenseful read
-Adam

Also, if you have the time, could you read one of my stories? work.php?id=93385
I would rather have an opinion than thorough, grammtical corrections.



The thing about plummeting downhill at fifty miles an hour on a snack platter - if you realize it's a bad idea when you're halfway down, it's too late.
— Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune