Published August 12, 2011
Memories, good and sweet,
tokens of love and friendship,
Turned bitter and poisonous
tortured my soul,
became impossible to bear,
So I wrenched them apart,
One by one,
like faded autumn leaves
and stood,
Alone and fragile,
Like a barren tree.......
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This poem is simple, but a great metaphor. I like how you spiraled everything down, just like the progressing cold and bareness of fall. Very well done, I also love the wrenching emotion here.
Hey there, Phoenix23. Scarlett here again, to review your poem.
Wow, Phoenix. Again, this is a brilliant little one with a wonderfully simple flow. I simply love it. The imagery is wonderfully brilliant, too. I can really relate. The feeling here is somewhat dreamy, if you know what I mean. And I can't help re-reading this. I truly do love it. And I really like that last line. It really gives me the image of loneliness. Wonderful, Phoenix. Truly wonderful. Also. Nitpicks. Here; "became impossible to bear," and here; "and stood,". I would change the commas to full stops. They seem to work better. Other than that, I have no more complaints. ^^
Overall. This is a brilliant, slightly bittersweet and dream-like poem. And I adore it. *clicks like* I hope this helped, even a little. And thank you very much for the wonderful and beautifully bittersweet poetry. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!
~Scar.
Wow, you really managed to fit the best words on those few lines! I love the symbolizm you used it was just brilliant! I can't complain on much since both rythm and flow was good and there were no detectable grammatic errors. (Icy's right though, Only THREE dots at the end please
) Overall, this was sweet and but powerful! 4/5 spiders to you!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
You've got some beautiful description in here for such a short piece; I'd disagree with nutmegan in that I don't think you need to alter the rhythm because it flows beautifully as it. As you would expect, I can't really nitpick such a short piece but remember to only use three periods in your elipses at the end. Keep writing!
Really good imagry. I can see the autumn similes and feel the heart-wrenching. I think you need a little more rhythm, however, to really make it poetry. Simply making it all one long sentence isn't enough. You can keep it as is and it would sort of be free verse, but I've never been a fan of Whitman and the other free verse poets. Keep writing and try to develop your own rhythm and style as you go.