Published September 23, 2007
Upon Broken Lands
The great blue canvas is swiftly painted
With the darkest shade of black.
And so it begins.
The sky screams with rage
As it rips itself apart
With jagged knives of light.
Bitter tears form angry missiles
Tearing down
Upon broken lands.
Stones cut through the air
Bruising the earth
As another scar is crafted.
Trees wave their arms frantically
As their spirits are slowly crushed.
Punched and shaken
By the roaring winds.
Twigs snap as branches fall
Bones crush as spirits shatter.
Pools of water
Become crimson lakes of death.
Amidst the battle
Two worlds have become one.
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well this is the first piece i've posted on YWS. Please let me know what you think. :]
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141,357 Literary Works • 674,380 Reviews
I love the part about the trees and such pretty words you've used make it something you could read more than once. Also I liked how the first and last parts were seperated, giving the middle a quick, sudden change. If that makes any sense.
thanks snoink and jasmine. :]
I like it too. Your imagery is really beautiful. I'd try changing lines five and six to "tear down upon
broken lands"
as I think it flows a little better. I love "jagged knives of light."
I'm not sure about "bones crush" as you've already referred to crushing. I'd try another word, maybe "collapse" of "break." I'd be more inclined to go with "break" as then you have the whole double alliteration thing in that line, and I think one syllabyl works best.
I love the ending, and how you isolated the last two lines. It really increased their power. "Crimson lakes of death" is brilliant.
I think the last line is a little long.Maybe try "Two words are one." Or "Two worlds, now one," or something along those lines.
Overall, I really enjoyed this, and I loved the vivid descriptions.
Ooo... I like this!
One thing I would get rid of is the second stanza, "And so it begins" because it reminds me too much of LOTR. But I like it because you were so creative with the verbs and nouns and you varied your word choice so that it showed me an image of abject mayhem. Nice stuff in here!
Actually, this might sound weird, but the poem reminds me of Princess Monoke because it seems to pivot nature vs. humans together.
Anyway! Cool stuff. Write more.