Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey Phil!
So, this definitely seems quickly done! It was probably so quickly done because of the contest, actually. I don't know if you want to keep it as it is, just for record's sake or what, so I'll just make a couple of comments. ^^;;
First of all, poetry doesn't always have to rhyme. Rhyming is totally awesome, but you don't have to do it!
Next, if you do want to use a lot of rhyming, you might consider using some sort of metering. The poem is, in general, very lop-sided so that when you say the words, the poem doesn't really roll off the tip of your tongue. This kind of hurts the niceness of the rhymes. If you want to rhyme, consider metering.
This poem doesn't really finish very dramatically. When I read this poem, I wondered, "Is this all?" It kind of seemed to end at a cliffhanger where you didn't leave anything resolved. That's not necessarily a bad thing though... you'll notice that in Robert Frost's "Home Burial" he leaves it unresolved too. The difference here is that he sets up this really dramatic scene that leaves you on the seat of your chair when you finish the poem and wonder what will happened. Here, you didn't really set the scene up, so it just seems really random. So, next time when you write your poem, make sure that you stuff a lot of conflict in there. It will be much better!
Best of luck!