The old lady's house wasn't exactly the best looking house; rather, it
wasn't even a house that looked moderately nice. The old lady was poor,
so likewise, her house was the same. It looked like a hybrid between a
traditional Japanese house and a farmhouse - it had two floors, thatched
roof, and the walls were made out of simple wood. At the left side of
the house, there were a few plants and some vegetation which the old
lady herself planted.
After hurriedly carrying the boy to her
house, she got him inside and on took him to the second floor, where
there was a little room which was almost empty and made him lie there.
The mouse as always were following them.
The old lady put the boy
down on the floor and went downstairs to prepare some food and get some
medicine, as she felt the boy giving off extreme heat from his body
while carrying him here - he had a really high fever.
While she
got everything ready, she wondered to herself; why is such a young boy
in this horrible shape, because he definitely looks like he might be
related to the rumored and unknown Noble Family.
Let me explain a
bit about the noble family now, they are known as the rulers of the
country with unknown supernatural powers, but nobody has seen them or
know anything about them, except a little rhyme that goes around and
maybe gives an insight of what they are:
The powers of one can cause a nation to fall,
With beauty that's blessed as a mighty fallen Angel,
Their eyes look like fire, which can never be doused,
Nobody has seen them, but we aren't allowed to doubt.
Their existence is crucial, it is not denyed.
But scary they are, if their inner side rise.
They are to be cursed, with sins irredeemable,
Whereas the death of one, grants them powers uncontrollable.
And
from this, the noble family are know to have the features such as
beautiful skin and beauty, golden eyes, and unimaginable powers.
The
old lady started to ponder about the rhyme and think about the boy and
how he matches those features, as the townspeople doesn't have anywhere
near the bright skin colour the boy has - but she was skeptical about it
like the rest of the town. Everyone used to think it was nothing but a
myth to scare people.
She passed him off as a foreigner; she also
started thinking about his situation and judging by that, if he really
was a part of the noble family, then why would he be lying on the street
with a burning fever and be suffering from extreme malnutrition? Of
course, because he is not. He probably is just a lost kid from a
foreigner couple who got drifted apart some time ago due to some
unfortunate turn of events, and he's been roaming since then without
sufficient amount of food.
But she still had a kind of an
uncertain feeling at the back of her mind about the mouse and the boy.
She started wondering how scary the Noble Family are portrayed to be,
and if the boy really was as the myth speaks, what kind of terror will
he bring? And what about the mouse, why does it seem to have some form
of intelligence?
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140,917 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
Hey there! I'm here for a quick review on this.
It seems like you have the start to an interesting story here - I like that the old lady is caring for the boy even though she doesn't know him and has reason to be suspicious of him.
One thing I would suggest it to give the old lady, at least, a name, and preferably the boy too. It'll just make everything a lot less repetitive and easier to write and read.
Overall, your main other problem is readability. You have quite a few grammar problems, mostly a propensity to switch randomly to present tense for a line or too. Another thing to keep in mind is that character thoughts, such as the last line "And what about the mouse, why does it seem to have some form of intelligence?" are generally put in italics to clarify that it is the character's thoughts.
I also like the verse you decided to include - it's nice to see some form of poetry in prose. You might want to consider italicizing that as well, just to make it look different from the rest of the chapter.
Finally, you tend to be a bit tell-y here, directly stating things like "She thought about this. The boy looked like this." Try to show more than tell, and try to describe the scene more. I liked the tidbit about the old lady's house - I'd love some more description of it.
Finally, when you explain the thing about the noble family, you break the fourth wall by saying "Let me explain." This is generally frowned upon, unless you're doing it specifically for style or plot reasons. In general, you want your third person narrator to be "invisible," and so the narrator should not be addressing the reader.
Anyway, good luck with this, and keep writing!
Hello. In this chapter, you retain your good sense of connection with the reader, while your overall style and grammar only got better. For just being uploaded a week apart, it's quite an awesome improvement, well done!
Your plot is interesting enough, but not enough to really carry the story by itself, and while the writing itself has gotten better, there's still room for improvement. So you really need to step it up and give us more reasons to care about the character. Carry that bond you have from the narrator to the reader and use it on the characters that I'm sure you plan to introduce in the coming chapters.
Is it your decision not to name your characters a stylistic thing? That's fine I guess, there are plenty of mediums in general that do that. Personally, I prefer names. But its up to you.
Things:
I like this opening paragraph; it's a very nice description of the old lady's home, very clear and very easy to tell where it's at. Very well written in general.
You don't need the random "on" before took.
Was following them
The actions are stated out of order here; for more clear, concise writing, say that she felt he had a fever, then put the boy own, then went downstairs to get some medicine. And I don't think she'd leave the boy alone here, either, so have her take him with her.
This is strange to me, and the rhyme as place for backstory about the royal family is also weird, and sort of out of place. personally I'd have the woman end up knowing about the royal family, and recall her thoughts instead of you jumping in and giving us a nonsensical poem. That cuts right in the middle of the story.
You sure know how to start and end a chapter effectively; those are some enticing questions Don't get discouraged by the lack of reviews, if you click the graph above the like button you'll see that you have 20+ readers! That's really good! You can't just stop on all these questions, either, so keep going!
I know my pacing is not the best, and I am trying to improve it. But this here is kind of an insight of the noble family, or the rulers of the town of the Renegy.
Any feedbacks and reviews would be hugely appreciated! Thanks for reading!