On a very normal and ordinary day, a 10-11 year old kid was walking by a
patch of grass that's on the side of the road. He was wearing an
oversize t-shirt which was split in half between black and white that
obviously didn't look like it was meant for him, had long, white hair, a
mouse on his shoulder, and a short, blue jeans. That said, his eyes
were pretty. Really pretty. They were golden colour with a bright blue
pupil. How that came to be? Nobody knows.
So back to story, he
was walking down the low patchy road when he suddenly collapsed. This
was the little town of Renegy, that existed in the country of Ulteria
ruled by beings who are known to possess some kind of unknown powers,
which supposedly has been passed down from family to family.
Now,
the town of Renegy is a quiet and simple little town, with simple
people. Set in the modern age, the town has little to no technology, and
lives like the people from the Late Middle Age, with an exception of
technology every now and then and better transportation.
After
the kid collapsed, the mouse that was on his shoulder was desperately
squeaking around his face and going up the road to squeak at people to
tell them a boy is lying at the lower sidewalk as he wasn't visible from
the view of the road, but everyone tried to kill the tiny little
creature instead. After trying and trying, to no avail the tiny mouse
came back and was sadly squeaking at the boy. The mouse finally thought
he should give one more try before giving up, as this was the matter of
life and death, the boy might die if he doesn't help him out somehow.
And so with his tiny little body, up he went again to give a try again,
but this time too, he was getting almost stepped by the human or getting
almost driven down by a car, till an old lady on the side of the road
with a stall selling different kinds of charms noticed the mouse.
Actually she noticed the mouse some time ago, but decided to ignore it.
But when she closely noticed the mouse was squeaking at PEOPLE, she
found it very unnatural - which the pedestrians failed to notice. She
went up to the mouse squeaking at people, half curious and half scared,
the mouse squeaked at her in a way which made it sound like he was very
satisfied. He started walking toward the low sidewalk, and looking back
again and again at the old lady, which showed the mouse wanted her to
follow. Yet again out of curiosity, she did and finally the little boy
was noticed. She hurriedly when up to him and rolled him over in her
arms, his appearance caught her off guard, but she couldn't possibly
think about that right now, as he looked like he was near death,
"My my, what is such a young little boy doing out in the sun collapsed like this?"
She
noticed that the boy's was stick thin, and that he was probably a
victim of severe malnutrition, the mouse squeaked at her again in a way,
telling her not to just sit there and that to start hauling. And so she
did, she left her little stall to her own daughter and her niece, who
was also about 10 years old and quickly went towards home carrying the
boy who was easy to carry as he was stick thin, and unnaturally light
for his age. The mouse followed them and soon, they were at the old
lady's house.
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140,919 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
hello. I saw your other chapter in the green room and thought I'd review it, but I decided to read this first to get a better understanding of what it's about.
I think the best attribute to this chapter is that you have a great sense of communication with your reader. The narration is clear, personal, and yet fun to read. However, they sort of read as if they're a character in the story, when if it's yourself speaking, you should know all the details of your story. You don't have to fix anything, but if you want to introduce a character later who happens to be the narrator, it'd be a suitable direction for the general feel that the narration of this story has to offer.
I'm going to have to say that it doesn't seem like you did much proofreading of this, as there are generally a ton of grammatical errors, and it's stylistically poor, so-to-speak. So just read over your work more carefully and you should be go there.
The pacing is also off a bit, the intro was good enough but I feel you rushed in with the backstory too soon without telling me why I should care about this boy. The last paragraph did alright with this, but I wanted more.
Lastly, I'd suggest you split up the middle paragraph, it's overly long and you give us a ton of information to take in, almost to the point too much.
Good luck on continuing this, I'll read chapter two very soon ^^
Oh, and to add to this: I noticed you started past tense, then switched to present tense, then went back to past tense. don't do that
Hi I would like to leave a review.
There are a few mistakes in the story, the beginning feels a little clumsy and doesn't flow well. The information in it is good, but the layout is hard to read. The information needs to be put in different order.
The second paragraph seems a bit short and could do with some description about where he is and what the sounds and smells are.
The sentence where the old lady speaks doesn't feel like it's laid out quite right.
The over all story lacks colour, but I can follow it. I like the idea and look forward to the next addition.
Hello, gonna leave your story a review.
I really like your story so far! Though, I do have a few suggestions, and they are as follows...
1. "On a very normal and ordinary day, a 10-11 year old kid was walking by a patch of grass that's on the side of the road. He was wearing an oversize t-shirt which was split in half between black and white that obviously didn't look like it was meant for him, had long, white hair, a mouse on his shoulder, and a short, blue jeans."
---- Okay, the first sentence is very important for any story. Yours is good, but it doesn't have that "wow" factor that draws the reader in. I would try to start it off with something shocking or interesting so as to make the reader more interested. The second line, is a run-on sentence. This means that it is much longer and prolonged than necessary. You can fix this simply by dividing the content into two separate sentences. I also suggest waiting to describe the boy until later in the story. Descriptions can be added in many different ways, and I think it would greatly benefit the story to wait for this description.
2. "So back to story, he was walking down the low patchy road when he suddenly collapsed. This was the little town of Renegy, that existed in the country of Ulteria ruled by beings who are known to possess some kind of unknown powers, which supposedly has been passed down from family to family." -- You started to tell us about the boy collapsing, then transitioned into a description of a town. This confuses the reader, because you went from one thing to another without a proper transition. Perhaps add the town somewhere before the boy's collapse and description, so as to not jumble and mix up the story.
3. Your fourth paragraph is a huge chunk of writing, while everything else is separated into smaller paragraphs. I suggest separating it, so as to be more organized.
So, that's all I have to suggest! I think this is a great start to your story. I hope to see the next chapter soon! Good job, and keep writing. ^~^
Hey, thank you so so so SO much! I have been waiting for a review for some time now to mend my mistakes, which I believe I had quite a bit. Thank you for your review, I'll be working on them!
Next chapter I believe will be up tomorrow or the day after!
Okay, great! I'll be sure to check it out when you post it! I'm eager to find out what happens next. If you want any advice or help, feel free to PM me anytime. c: